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By Anonymous - 22/09/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, I went to run outside, only to smack straight into our sliding glass door. Just a few hours beforehand, my mom put up a strip of colored tape to stop this from happening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 366

You deserved it 31 633

By Anonymous - 07/05/2011 05:58 - Canada

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 049

You deserved it 9 002

By scammed - 18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 933

You deserved it 2 887

By Anonymous - 22/01/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 010

You deserved it 28 677

Troubling

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 00:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 497

You deserved it 23 308

By Lola - 23/07/2012 04:31

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 813

You deserved it 4 358

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 00:21 - United States - Matteson

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 385

You deserved it 4 470

Freaked

By paranoid - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 844

You deserved it 55 492

By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 147

You deserved it 4 802

By horn-y - 23/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 447

You deserved it 60 187

By wish his dad had worn one - 07/06/2014 21:16 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 673

You deserved it 5 348

By jace17 - 24/08/2010 08:34 - United States

Today, my parents threw out the beautiful birthday cake my aunt made me, and served celery sticks at my party because I need to "watch my weight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 042

You deserved it 6 310

By Sigh - 19/02/2013 17:13 - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 940

You deserved it 2 637

Hogs gone wild

By NotoriousSRJ - 28/01/2011 15:43 - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 327

You deserved it 4 348

Creepy

By Anonymous - 17/10/2017 06:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 111

You deserved it 5 368

By sadness - 29/11/2010 18:58 - South Africa

Today, I went to see a psychiatrist for my depression and low self esteem. While in the waiting room, I overheard a guy telling his friend how ugly I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 616

You deserved it 4 055

Catfished

By Alison - 08/12/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, the "hot" guy I've been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He was very overweight and not good looking at all. He then followed up with, "Now send me one of you so I can prove to all of my friends that you're real." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 902

You deserved it 40 018

By calliefml - 26/04/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate hanging a voodoo doll of me on a noose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 815

You deserved it 6 169

By missyoudad. - 31/08/2010 07:54 - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 560

You deserved it 2 871

Keep some things to yourself

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Plymouth

Today, I overheard someone at the mall telling his friend, "So I'm going in for a brain scan." Trying to be funny, I piped up, "Better hope they find something!" Turns out that had been the end of his sentence, and the scan is to see if his cancer has spread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 569

You deserved it 75 839

By firethorn - 20/06/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 112

You deserved it 3 584

Gnarly

By Anonyme - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Switzerland

Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 589

You deserved it 47 194

By Anonymous - 10/02/2012 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 237

You deserved it 29 481

By Ouchies - 09/02/2012 17:28 - United States

Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 423

You deserved it 2 262

By anonymous - 05/09/2012 16:25 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my teacher assigned us teams in a class debate. I landed on the team that had to argue the obviously wrong point of view. When I finished, my teacher told me and the entire class how much I disturbed her, and how I reminded her of Hitler and Napoleon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 691

You deserved it 2 580

By marcranger - 11/08/2014 23:40 - United States - Denver

Today, I attended a family gathering. My cousin's new baby was being passed around. By way of politely declining to hold it, I meant to say that I looked forward to getting to know it better once it could talk. What I blurted out instead was, "I can't wait until it resembles a human being." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 306

You deserved it 16 476

marcranger tells us more.

marcranger 28

Tuesday 12 August 2014 16:41

Hey all, OP here! Glad to see I made some of you laugh...I wish I could say the same about my cousin, his wife, and my aunt and uncle (the proud first-time grandparents)! At least my dad, who I was staying with for this event (I live up in the mountains, but this was in Denver), laughed his ass off when everyone else was out of earshot and said he honestly felt the same way (and since I was a baby once...thanks, Dad?). Oh, well. At the very least, I think the new parents will avoid me like the plague at future gatherings, even ones specifically planned to honor the new addition (oops), and this might get my relatives to back off about when exactly I'm making my own contribution to the family line.

By fat - 12/07/2010 07:52 - United States

Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 196

You deserved it 50 267

By terrible person - 04/04/2011 09:29

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to break down and cry because his mother hates me for unknown reasons. I walked in, gave him a long hug, and started sobbing. I then saw his mother. She was visiting him to complain about how terrible a person I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 160

You deserved it 6 004

By santashelper - 05/12/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 931

You deserved it 4 763

By anonymous - 02/02/2010 17:32 - France

Today, I put out a fire. Sadly, it was on my doorstep because someone had lit a bag of dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 561

You deserved it 4 273

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Today, I was telling my brother about how my new colleagues and I don't share a sense of humour. He replied, "What, you mean they don't pretend to laugh at your jokes like everybody else?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 946

You deserved it 6 021

Today, one of my guy friends, who I’m not interested in romantically, asked me out on a date. This is the third time a "friend" has asked me out on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 341

You deserved it 543

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637 312

You deserved it 799 853

Today, I was rearranging the cabinets above the washer and dryer, and the whole thing fell down on top of the washer. I had just put my clothes in the washing machine too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 103

Today, my mom called to tell me that I needed to clean the side of her couch. Why? Because someone picked their nose and wiped snot all on the side of it. She thinks it was me because I sat there last. It wasn't me. I don't even live there, but I have two teenage siblings that blame everything on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 898

You deserved it 166

Today, I spent ages getting dressed up for a date I’ve been excited for. I even put on cologne for the first time in forever. When I arrived at the restaurant, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. I spent the entire meal pretending to be “really into the conversation” while internally panicking about how I was going to pay. It didn't end well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 182

You deserved it 483