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Working hard

By whoops - 20/02/2022 16:00

Today, I got bored while studying, so I sent my boyfriend a couple of topless pics of me doing my calculus homework. I captioned them, “Who says nerds can’t be sexy?” with hearts and wink emojis. Too bad I sent the last one to my tutor instead of my man. Whoops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 1 764

Suspicious coincidence?

By Confused - 20/05/2023 15:00

Today, my wife had our first child. He's identical to her coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 998

You deserved it 145

By Mary - 05/03/2019 18:00

Today, I tried to go down the stairs two steps at a time. I slipped, fell flat on my ass, and busted my lower lip against my overbite. When I tried to get up, I realized I had also peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 062

You deserved it 1 420

Shame! Shame!

By Anonymous - 05/03/2022 12:00

Today, my daughter is so out of touch with anything not related to her phone and her social popularity that she doesn't know who Hitler was. I had to show her on YouTube, and while we aren't religious anymore, we are a Jewish family so this is an extra level of parental shame for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 646

Let me down gently

By ShotDown - 04/06/2026 15:00 - United States

Today, my coworker began flirting with the new guy at work and accepted a date with him. I’ve been trying to get with her for months and she'd told me, “Sorry, I don’t fraternize with colleagues.” I called her out on it and she told me, “OK, I’ll spell it out for you: I do fraternize with attractive colleagues.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 778

Which is worse?

By Anonymous - 25/02/2022 14:00 - United States

Today, I tested positive for Covid, which I got from my boyfriend. Who got it from the chick he cheated on me with. At least it's not an STI. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 469

You deserved it 163

How the other half lives

By Anonymous - 04/04/2022 16:00

Today, I waxed my asshole and it wouldn’t stop bleeding, so I had to shove toilet paper down my crack, because I have things to do that require me to get dressed and go out in public. It still bled through my trousers. It looks like I got my period, and I’m a 6”4 man with a beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 480

You deserved it 1 196

Sounds like a keeper

By ManChildBF - 04/03/2022 02:00 - United States - Loveland

Today, my boyfriend came home and demanded dinner. I started suggesting things, but he threw out that we should just fend for ourselves. I made pasta and offered him some, but he decided to throw a fit and go to bed at 6:30pm without dinner. He then woke up at 9 to complain he was hungry, then slept on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 238

You deserved it 156

Phantom of the bus

By Anonymous - 10/06/2023 00:02

Today, I have a facial scar from an accident, it's large but not disfiguring. A guy on the bus asked if I could turn away because it was scaring his kid (the kid wasn’t even paying attention) so I told him to screw off, but people started agreeing with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 105

Succession

By Anonymous - 30/04/2022 16:00

Today, I reunited with my mother and my sisters after a long time. I actually walked out of the reunion, too, after I drove 800 km away, only to find out that they're fighting over my late father's inheritance. I had vanished from my family because they were always possessive and crawling up my ass every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 92

By cacheson - 10/12/2016 18:25 - United States

Today, I met my new drill sergeant. Let's just say I wasn't expecting him to literally bark orders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 80

cacheson tells us more.

cacheson 41

Monday 12 December 2016 1:51

My first ever thing published on FML! I was actually really surprised when I submitted this that no one else had made the joke yet!

Considerate

By Anonymous - 01/05/2022 16:00

Today, my roommate constantly heckles me for using too much water, but I’m super allergic to Gain laundry detergent and any softener, which she uses a ton of. She’s the reason why I have to run an extra load of laundry every week to clean out the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 109

By Anonymous - 15/05/2019 20:00

Today, I saw what I thought was a cobweb right behind my head where I sleep. I went to wipe it off and part of the sheetrock dented in. On further inspection, they were holes in the wall. Termites started coming out of them like something out of a horror movie. My husband is out of town for the next few weeks, and I'm extremely bug-phobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 241

Lazy git

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 14:01

Today, my fiancé was offered a job by my boss working as a dishwasher. This is awesome, especially since he just got fired from his last job. When I brought it up, his reply was, "I don't want to work as a dishwasher." I guess beggars can be choosers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 053

You deserved it 231

Misophonia

By Anonymous - 29/04/2022 12:00

Today, my brother warned me he could drive me crazy without even being in the room. I didn’t believe him, so he pointed out just how loudly my girlfriend slurps anything she drinks. I honestly hadn’t noticed before, but now the slurping is all I notice, and it's driving me crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 262

The whole kit and caboodle

By Anonymous - 05/07/2023 22:00

Today, I asked my husband for a divorce. He said fine, as long as I got full custody of the kids. I did an actual double take; he didn’t want shared custody, he wanted me to take the kids, no arguments or negotiating, because he doesn’t want the kids anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 508

You deserved it 578

By Anonymous - 24/05/2019 06:14

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 197

By Anonymous - 27/05/2019 10:00

Today, I pretended to have a heart attack so my baby sister would know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she drank my soda instead of helping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 1 758

The hell that is dating

By Laura - 15/07/2023 22:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. He told me his wife had filed for divorce this morning (I had no idea he had ever been married) and then he sent me the e-receipt for my nachos along with his Venmo handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 150

Tales of the Unexpected

By maddyUnderstood - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 223

You deserved it 261

Are you OK?

By TooMuchWattpad - 20/07/2023 15:00 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I cried so much I felt nauseous and almost puked. Why was I crying? I made up a hot, brooding, cold, and heartless guy who secretly cared about me, and who's super protective. Then I imagined him dying by being stabbed. I cried over a guy I made up in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200

You deserved it 1 395

How could you?

By Horndog - 03/04/2022 00:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, a female friend, who I'm mildly into, was crying into my arms about how tough things have been for her. I'm so touch-starved that I got a boner as I hugged her. She noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 366

By whale14 - 06/06/2019 16:00

Today, I was in the newspaper for my soccer accomplishments. It was supposed to be my day in the spotlight. I went home to find out that my little sister had sprained her ankle in P.E. Not only did nobody in my family read the article in the paper, I'm now doing all of my sister's chores. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 923

You deserved it 240

Get out

By Anonymous - 22/04/2022 10:00

Today, I’m considering a divorce. My father-in-law has never liked me and is very vocal about that, names like "bastard" and "prick" are common. My wife is normally very headstrong and takes no nonsense, but she lets him treat me this way so she must agree with him. The wedding was only a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 055

You deserved it 196

Bunch of bankers

By skippydoda - 25/06/2019 12:35

Today, I went to the bank to open an account. It took hours for them to tell me that I needed my driver's license, passport, and residency paper. I returned with the documents. They then said that they couldn't help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 739

You deserved it 158

Spinning out

By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe - 08/06/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past month, I've been feeling lightheaded from a breathing problem. I've now been prescribed a medication to help with my anxiety and my breathing issue, which would in turn help stop me from getting so lightheaded. The side effect of said medication: lightheadedness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 889

You deserved it 301

By Anonymous - 09/07/2019 04:00

Today, I finished hauling all of my possessions from another state, because I was supposed to move in with my girlfriend. I was just waiting to find a job. Almost as soon as my stuff was delivered, she broke up with me and told me to figure out getting it all back by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 108

You deserved it 228

By rhcp007 - 13/06/2017 18:00 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, I went to drop my little brother off at the nursery. As I walked in, a boy punched me in the dick and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 427

You deserved it 292

By Anonymous - 13/07/2019 04:30

Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 946

You deserved it 192

Let it all out

By HateCelebz - 26/08/2023 00:02

Today, I went for a swim in the sea. It was early and I was the only one in the water. I swam out far, then my tummy rumbled big time. Next thing I knew, I'd shat my shorts. It went everywhere. I had to scoop the poop out with my hand and wash it off whilst swimming back to shore. I had to shower afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 592

You deserved it 230

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The Top

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's, some kids were running and screaming. One of them stopped right beside me, turned to face me, and threw up in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 554

You deserved it 2 503

Today, at the store, I noticed a girl eyeing a chocolate bunny. Her mom refused to buy it, saying they didn't have enough money. She started crying, so I decided to make her day and offered to buy it for her. Her mom reacted by slapping me across the face and calling me a "pedo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 700

You deserved it 8 610

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 2 800

Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 944

You deserved it 362

Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 511

You deserved it 788

Today, my mom said my name and startled me so badly, I jumped and dropped the glass I was holding. She still isn’t speaking to me for breaking her favorite glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 990

You deserved it 236