Intimacy: Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something....

By anne - 17/12/2011 03:46 - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 895

You deserved it 6 024

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Same thing different taste

By chewybarseventy - 24/08/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 525

You deserved it 11 081

Multitasking

By Anonymous - 09/04/2025 02:00

Today, my wife picked up her phone, answered a text, added a few things to her phone's shopping list, and looked at her phone calendar to remind me I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. She did all this whilst my penis was inside her, giving it my best effort as well. Self confidence zero. FML

I agree, your life sucks 418

You deserved it 161

Revealing

By kitkat545 - 15/06/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 131

You deserved it 51 059

My little buddy

By Anonymous - 18/08/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 144

You deserved it 6 517

Emergency

By -____- - 05/10/2013 21:28 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 384

You deserved it 7 454

Communication tool

By Anonymous - 10/10/2012 21:48 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 358

You deserved it 6 199

By Rosie - 13/06/2012 16:07 - Germany - Wesel

Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 403

You deserved it 5 252

By Anonymous - 22/02/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 806

You deserved it 5 620

By Anonymous - 13/10/2012 21:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 178

You deserved it 4 220

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 20:16 - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 264

You deserved it 4 513

TheSnakeDoctor20 17

Saturday 17 December 2011 6:27

That man is boss!

monkeysareyummy 0

Saturday 17 December 2011 6:28

New 'Americas Got Talent' contestant?

Comments

TKello 6

Saturday 17 December 2011 6:56

Is it wrong that I'm impressed by this?

maszaros 9

Saturday 17 December 2011 6:58

You picked him!

jaredjudd21 2

Saturday 17 December 2011 6:59

I would make that a stay at home job if I were him.

roseXthorns 8

Saturday 17 December 2011 7:04

I wonder what the sentence was...

MrSexyPants 14

Saturday 17 December 2011 7:09

"I'm typing this with my penis lol"

miker1000 0

Saturday 17 December 2011 8:37

Holy crap your pic is Grell xD

roseXthorns 8

Saturday 17 December 2011 19:36

Indeed, my pic is Grell. The most amazing Shinigami ever.

marisadc79 0

Saturday 17 December 2011 7:05

That's wrong on so many levels lol

cheriloowho 0

Saturday 17 December 2011 7:10

This truly makes me wonder how one can penis text, yet a phone is rendered useless if you're wearing mitts?

cheriloowho 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:24

Duh! I know that. Way to burst my funny bubble.

mauguster 15

Saturday 17 December 2011 7:12

I wonder when he decided "you know what i'm bored i wonder if I can text with my penis. Let's find out!:D"

wittygirl 8

Saturday 17 December 2011 7:15

Your hubby has talent!

Amrel 10

Saturday 17 December 2011 7:18

Just plain talent

DanniMal87 3

Saturday 17 December 2011 7:24

That deserves a BJ

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The Top

Today, I learned that just because you live on a different continent, it doesn't mean your mother won't come knocking when you are having sex. FML

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Today, I learned that you can't fool the self-checkout scanner by taking six items and only paying for two. Sometimes, two big security guards may grab you by both arms and take you to their office. To convince them to let me off the hook, I desperately said that it was just a joke. They weren't laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 2 568

Today, I asked my wife for a kiss. She snarled, "I'm your WIFE, just fucking kiss me! You don't have to ask!" Later, I went in for a kiss and she slapped me, then yelled that it was my fault for "getting in her face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 621

You deserved it 96

Today, I was on a first date at high-end Indian restaurant. I tried to impress my date by ordering the spiciest dish on the menu, only to find out it was way too hot for me to handle. I ruined the entire meal by coughing, choking, and drinking five gallons of water with tears streaming down my face for at least 40 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 2 010

Today, I was going to have sex for the first time, but when my girlfriend and I got naked, I couldn't get it up. I eventually got hard but it involved me thinking about the time I accidentally saw my girlfriend's brother naked. I think I may be gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 578

You deserved it 843

Today, I’m in Mexico for six months to discover a new culture, bathe in Tequila and Mezcal, meet loads of new people and travel as much as possible. I’ve found somewhere to live, but as for the rest… I’m living with nuns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 136