Your everyday life stories

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 19:16 - United States - Newark

Today, my girlfriend wasn't feeling well, so we decided to relax and watch a movie. Halfway through she was feeling horny and decided she wanted to give me head. I obliged happily... Until I heard her gag a bit more than usual. Now I'm cleaning up vomit from my bed and need to shower... FML

Bad.Sex. - 05/04/2016 19:15 - United States - Gaylord

Today, I got more aroused thinking of a fountain, than I did thinking of my own boyfriend. FML.

greywolf19k - 05/04/2016 19:14 - United States - Havelock

Today, I went to take a number 2. I dropped my pants, pushed my junk back between my legs, and immediately sat on and ruptured one of my testicles. My wife and the attractive female doctor were laughing during the whole examination. FML.

Coconocococo - 05/04/2016 19:11 - United Kingdom

Today, after an unfortunate chain of events, my brother managed to cut my thumb down to the bone with a pair of garden shears. I'm currently on the way to the hospital. FML

TyrantOverSeer - 05/04/2016 18:58 - United States - Birmingham

Today, after finally getting my knee brace of after 6 months of having it on, I got on my bike, after about 30 minutes of finally being able to experience life and not want to kill myself I shattered my knee cap after I ran over a branch a little to big, and flipped off my bike,FML.

Kat_Kat23 - 05/04/2016 18:52 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, my girlfriend had a pregnancy scare. The funny thing is, I'm still a virgin. FML.

HackforLife - 05/04/2016 18:51 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart. When I was putting up the bags I sat my phone on the cart, only to notice seconds later it was gone. I searched everywhere. The battery was charged, so I tracked it. It was turned off. Either my phone got ran over or stolen. I don't know which makes me a bigger idiot. FML

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 18:48

Today I sat idling behind a parked car in traffic for 6 and a half minutes before noticing no one was inside it and everybody else was driving around it. I was late for work. FML

pipman76 - 05/04/2016 18:36 - United States - Chicago

Today, I told my 12 year old that I couldn't afford to buy her a brand new laptop and mabye if we started saving we could get her one for her birthday. She decided that the family could save a lot of money if she gave us all haircuts as we slept FML.

Not Engaged - 05/04/2016 18:35 - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend of 3 years asking me to marry him. Just as I was getting ready to respond, I got a text from him saying "oops, wrong person". What?

CATastroph1c - 05/04/2016 18:26 - United States - Miami

Today, I threw a highlighter into my friends hoody from far away. I got extatic, until I realized that it was the highlight of these last 2 weeks. FML.

j_ramirezxx - 05/04/2016 18:24 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, my girlfriend told me she was 2 months pregnant. I just returned from a six month military assignment. FML.

bxilee - 05/04/2016 18:20 - United States - Corona

Today, the sweet boy I've been talking to for quite a while now flat out told me he only started talking to me because one of his friends lied and said I'd sleep with him. FML

bird feeder - 05/04/2016 18:20 - United States - Henderson

Today, as I looked out of the window on to the beach I saw a seagull... So I went out and fed it bread. It ended up being a rescued one and could only get fed by bottle. It attacked me and flew off and I was charged with animal harassment. FML

usuck - 05/04/2016 18:18 - Portugal

Today, is my 20th anniversary. I decided to invite my father to lunch with the rest of us, since my parents are divorced. He was always rough but he said he was "changed". Middle lunch he burst out but not before insulting me and making me cry. Happy birthday to me. FML

Julius Caesar Salad - 05/04/2016 18:15 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, a trusted friend, that I had defended time and time again from bullies told me he had no respect for me and thought I deserved nothing from him or anyone else. He did this to a number of our other friends, making them cry. FML

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 18:14 - United States - Waukee

Today, the copier at work decided to use a stack of paper as if it were just one sheet. I had to take apart the machine to get to the jam. As I was doing so the table on which it sits broke. FML

Inciter - 05/04/2016 18:09 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and moved out of our apartment. He used the typical "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech, before informing me that he spent the night with his 18 year old coworker. FML

familymatters - 05/04/2016 18:09 - United States - Hebron

Today, I was catcalled. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't turned around and it was my principal. FML.

whyevenbother - 05/04/2016 17:47 - United States - Festus

Today is my 22nd birthday. Only five people told me Happy Birthday, everyone else forgot it. Everyone at work decided I could close the counter tonight. So I'm going to miss my dinner with my husband. Top it off, I got my period during a staff meeting. Happy fucking birthday... FML

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 17:03 - United States

Today, I told my roommate she needs to get rid of her cats since I'm allergic to them. She responded by filing a false police report against me, moving out, and threatening to sue for being too demanding. FML.

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 16:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and his friend. His friend told me to ditch him because all he wanted was sex. I asked my crush about this. Now he won't talk to me because he thinks his friend and I talk behind his back. FML.

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 16:56 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today I was at a store with a new friend, and I had come across a particularly ugly bracelet and started talking to her about how ugly it was, and why no one in their right minds would buy it. After my 2 minute-long rant, she awkwardly told me that she owned that exact same bracelet. FML

sadsister - 05/04/2016 16:54 - India - Bangalore

Today, I saw a post on Facebook by one of my closest college friends, who called me his sister all through 4 years of college. It was about the 'family he chose in college'and featured 20 of his closest friends. I didn't feature in them. FML.

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 16:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a huge pimple about the size of a dime in my pubic area. It doesn't want to pop and its getting worse. FML

pipman76 - 05/04/2016 16:13 - United States - Chicago

Today, marks the fifth day that I have been shot at work by my boss with a nerd gun to "keep it interesting".FML

Anna K - 05/04/2016 16:07 - United States - Salem

Today, my ex boyfriend left me a message asking if I would go back out with him as boyfriend and girlfriend. I was going to return the call saying yes but I got an email of him and his wife at their wedding. He apparently called me 20 minutes before he got married again for the 3rd time. FML.

Oliveistheneworange - 05/04/2016 15:51 - United States - Detroit

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes I tried washing it off but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess whose going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa? FML

mustanggt - 05/04/2016 15:50 - United States - Lake Orion

Today, my car was stolen during my job interview. FML

bahklava - 05/04/2016 15:41 - United States - Oakland

Today, the ring bearer at my cousin's wedding refused to give up the rings, declaring "The ring is mine!" in front of over 100 people. FML.

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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Today, after a fight, I caught my sister rubbing my toothbrush on the inside of our grimy toilet. This is why I have trust issues. FML

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Today, I had no choice but to bring my son to work as a med school professor. I sat him in a chair in a corner while I gave a lecture. To my surprise, he added another word to his limited vocabulary, and screamed it out loud with an ecstatic expression on his face. The word is "cancer". FML

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Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

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Today, I was outside, eating a sandwich, when I noticed a homeless man was standing in front of me. Upon making eye contact, he grabbed the rest of my sandwich and ran off. FML

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Today, the boy I've liked for the past 8 years asked me out and then dumped me when he realized that I was taller than he was. FML

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