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Dick joke

By awilson - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was eating M&Ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see me with my hand on my crotch while angrily muttering, "Where's that little bastard gone?" FML

agreeclassic 66 348

vote type 1 17 023

By Anonymous - 09/06/2013 05:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife decided to check her email, while I was still inside her. FML

agreeclassic 66 347

vote type 1 13 185

Next time, I'll just ignore you

By stoopidRUnner - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

agreeclassic 66 315

vote type 1 13 688

Mr Clean

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 10:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

agreeclassic 66 308

vote type 1 7 606

By Anonymous - 05/01/2014 01:08 - United States - Chicago

Spicy

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

agreeclassic 66 308

vote type 1 7 020

Life on Nightmare mode

By shitforchris - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Spicy

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 66 300

vote type 1 12 133

By liz1234 - 23/03/2009 00:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. They had a 5 minute conversation...while he was still inside me. FML

agreeclassic 66 247

vote type 1 8 145

Manly man

By takinabreak - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "Radiance Ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "Radiance Ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

agreeclassic 66 243

vote type 1 33 878

By FMLFMLFMLFML - 29/05/2009 17:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

agreeclassic 66 242

vote type 1 14 898

By vomitingnow - 22/07/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I had a fight with my little sister. Later she apologized and made me dinner to make up for it. I thought it was pretty good until I found out that instead of using Parmesan cheese in the recipe, she used foot shavings from her Ped Egg. FML

agreeclassic 66 241

vote type 1 6 937

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my biology teacher told me that every Friday we should wear a hideous shirt to count down the last days of freshman year. So when Friday came around we decided to have a contest for most hideous shirt. I won. I forgot to wear a hideous shirt. FML

agreeclassic 66 232

vote type 1 10 495

By regstl - 01/06/2013 06:21 - United States - Beaverton

Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML

agreeclassic 66 229

vote type 1 3 326

By ZaraAce - 15/04/2011 11:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

agreeclassic 66 226

vote type 1 4 770

By ohhelllllno - 20/04/2009 10:05 - Canada

Spicy

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

agreeclassic 66 220

vote type 1 19 744

By kalleylynn - 08/06/2013 06:38 - United States - Steward

Spicy

Today, my sister and I were having a slumber party in my room since my parents left on a trip. They left my grandparents here to watch us. It was past bed time and we started hearing some strange noises through my floor. We thought it was the radio. Turns out my grandma is a screamer. FML

agreeclassic 66 215

vote type 1 5 157

kalleylynn app_comment_confession_title

kalleylynn 11

Sunday 9 June 2013 4:36

Hey in totally glad they can still do that shit.. Just not while they are staying at my house, in my parents bed...

By WOW - 13/07/2013 20:40 - Kenya

Today, my driving instructor failed me on my test, because I forgot to turn the air conditioning off after parking. FML

agreeclassic 66 213

vote type 1 5 897

Dodged my bullet

By Lo. - this FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff

Today, I went to see a movie with the girl I've liked for months. After the commercials, she told me she had to go to the ladies room. She never came back. FML

agreeclassic 66 209

vote type 1 4 787

By DisturbedMan - 15/01/2014 22:29 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Spicy

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

agreeclassic 66 196

vote type 1 5 963

By Anonymous - 12/01/2014 00:03 - United States - Philadelphia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant. I asked how it could be possible, since she's on birth control. She said she didn't know her antibiotics would interfere with it. She's a pharmacist. FML

agreeclassic 66 192

vote type 1 8 900

By Anonymous - 16/08/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I have an extra key. I snuck into his bed with sleep with him and noticed how soft his skin was. Turns out I had been feeling up the girl he was sleeping with and he was in the bathroom. FML

agreeclassic 66 185

vote type 1 8 056

By IB6UB9 - 28/11/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

agreeclassic 66 183

vote type 1 6 978

Rewarding

By feiedbutter - 07/12/2013 14:55 - Canada - Ottawa

Spicy

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

agreeclassic 66 158

vote type 1 20 848

OK Stephanie, whatever

By yankeebelle - 06/03/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtly pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status than me. FML

agreeclassic 66 152

vote type 1 3 526

By young grandpa - 17/06/2013 22:49 - United States - Statham

Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML

agreeclassic 66 150

vote type 1 40 873

By countryblumpkin - 01/08/2013 18:06 - United States - Grand Rapids

Spicy

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

agreeclassic 66 118

vote type 1 7 172

By Told_You_So - 09/07/2009 06:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

agreeclassic 66 109

vote type 1 5 090

By 11321 - 22/04/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

agreeclassic 66 092

vote type 1 6 910

Stealthy

By ohdear - 31/10/2011 15:38 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML

agreeclassic 66 081

vote type 1 5 379

Double trouble

By Monika - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

agreeclassic 66 076

vote type 1 5 166

By OvertonHippie - 13/01/2014 12:09 - United States - Corinth

Today, I found out that whenever my ex-wife is late getting the kids to school, she tells them to tell their teachers they were with me, and forges my name on the sign-in sheet. Missing homework? Dad's house. Forgot to bring something important? Ditto. The school thinks I'm a horrible parent. FML

agreeclassic 66 063

vote type 1 5 367

OvertonHippie app_comment_confession_title

OvertonHippie 16

Monday 13 January 2014 21:25

What she doesn't realize is that in a school with only 180 students, it's impossible to get away with stuff like that. The principal knows what's up, because we dealt with similar issues last year; I just didn't think I was going to have to schedule meetings with the teachers again about it (outside of the regular parent-teacher conferences, which she attends). I *had* kind of noticed the teachers giving me the stink-eye in the car line lately though.

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Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

agreeclassic 3 734

vote type 1 188

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

agreeclassic 38 103

vote type 1 5 737

Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML

agreeclassic 22 919

vote type 1 5 120

Today, I was trying out my first vibrator. Soon enough, my 12-year-old sister opened my door, walked in, and saw me naked from the waist down. She laughed, called me a virgin, and left. FML

agreeclassic 58 471

vote type 1 19 471

Today, I went to change my one year-old son's diaper and it was a total disaster! He'd picked at his diaper and it came loose. There was poop all over his sleeper, and when I went to clean it up, he put his hands in it. Let's just say I threw the damn sleeper away. FML

agreeclassic 896

vote type 1 222

Today, I learned I will hand my daughter off to a complete stranger in order to provide help during an emergency situation. I don't know whether I feel proud to be someone who steps up in the moment, or mortified and ashamed that I gave my kid to a bystander so easily. FML

agreeclassic 810

vote type 1 301