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By jessierules93 - 07/12/2013 05:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream that I was playing fetch with my dog. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to the sound of my phone smashing against the wall. FML

agreeclassic 42 832

vote type 1 4 772

jessierules93 app_comment_confession_title

jessierules93 11

Friday 13 December 2013 4:52

Lol thank everyone! My iPhone wasn't in a case but surprisingly it's fine! But the wall, not so much. I kinda put a hole in it haha

By gera3gera - 07/10/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

agreeclassic 42 831

vote type 1 4 132

By terdberglerforlyfe - 07/12/2014 20:54 - Brazil - Mogi Das Cruzes

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

agreeclassic 42 829

vote type 1 4 400

Big deal

By Like mother like daughter - 24/02/2015 22:25 - United States - Aurora

Today, I had a talk with my daughter about how I hope her first boyfriend is a special one because 'spending the night' with a boy is a big deal. She replied with a giggle, "Mom, I lost my virginity in a parking lot three years ago!" FML

agreeclassic 42 827

vote type 1 9 623

By nonameLiz - 03/02/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

agreeclassic 42 827

vote type 1 11 608

By ihatepokemon - 22/07/2013 22:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

agreeclassic 42 826

vote type 1 11 833

By WastedTime - 07/08/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

agreeclassic 42 824

vote type 1 5 732

By me - 22/06/2013 21:16 - United States - Findlay

Today, while volunteering at a local museum, I politely told an elderly gentleman to have a nice day. He responded by yelling "NO" and storming off. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of monster. FML

agreeclassic 42 824

vote type 1 3 249

By littleguy - 20/08/2009 15:55 - United States

Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML

agreeclassic 42 823

vote type 1 19 270

By Anonymous - 23/09/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I'm deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

agreeclassic 42 823

vote type 1 2 601

By mypoolisstilldirty - 16/02/2012 16:26 - Australia

Today, I found out that the pool boy has been stealing from me for over a year now. The latest things that he has taken are my laptop, the cash I hide in my closet, and my wife. FML

agreeclassic 42 818

vote type 1 4 333

By HM - 06/04/2011 17:28 - Germany

Today, I found out that my entire class, me included, has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week. All this because the Professor left the exams strewn across her desk. The cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them. FML

agreeclassic 42 814

vote type 1 3 581

By zephyrgk - 02/09/2013 01:15 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

agreeclassic 42 813

vote type 1 3 118

By alissa_roar - 18/04/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

agreeclassic 42 812

vote type 1 8 514

By displeased - 05/04/2012 06:47 - United States - Candler

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

agreeclassic 42 812

vote type 1 3 572

Oh yessss

By Anonymous - 29/07/2011 07:24 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

agreeclassic 42 811

vote type 1 10 737

Brokeass Mountain

By collegebroke - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

agreeclassic 42 807

vote type 1 4 631

By Anonymous - 15/07/2015 15:40 - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

agreeclassic 42 804

vote type 1 2 202

By ramble ramble - 30/01/2014 20:55 - United States - Monroe

Today, I was taking a leisurely stroll through the woods in the nice cool weather, when a mountain biker came out of nowhere and tore past, barely missing me. As I counted my luck, another biker followed the first and crashed right into me. FML

agreeclassic 42 804

vote type 1 4 430

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

agreeclassic 42 804

vote type 1 4 465

By cutthroatkait - 05/08/2014 22:44 - United States

Today, I picked up an extra shift at the store. It was also the day the store's ventilation system shut down, resulting in carbon monoxide poisoning for me and two co-workers. FML

agreeclassic 42 803

vote type 1 3 014

By Anonymous - 05/07/2012 19:10 - United States - Findlay

Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a Diet Coke?" FML

agreeclassic 42 803

vote type 1 10 015

By shocked1 - 07/01/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was doing a local search at SexSearch.com and I found my sister's profile. FML

agreeclassic 42 802

vote type 1 11 059

By Drizztreri - 05/03/2014 00:09 - United States - Imperial

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

agreeclassic 42 798

vote type 1 3 323

By greatly disturbed - 07/03/2015 19:09 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

agreeclassic 42 798

vote type 1 4 395

By Dina - 23/11/2008 09:24 - France

Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

agreeclassic 42 798

vote type 1 2 890

Night terror

By unlovedandunfucked - 10/12/2014 18:16 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML

agreeclassic 42 797

vote type 1 4 565

By dannyfanny - 28/08/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, I slipped walking down the stairs. My mom thought I sprained my right ankle. In her haste to get me to the doctor, she grabbed me and accidentally tripped me. I broke my left ankle. The right one was fine. FML

agreeclassic 42 796

vote type 1 2 620

Giggles McGee

By Shitmetalseller - 02/08/2014 22:37 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

agreeclassic 42 796

vote type 1 5 144

By Anonymous - 06/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower I noticed a short, black hair on my loofa. I ignored it and lathered up my entire body with it. When I put it back down, a roach crawled out of it. What I thought was a black hair was in fact its antenna. FML

agreeclassic 42 792

vote type 1 8 946

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Today, I got a 4-hour Saturday detention as a punishment for skipping a regular detention. We had to wear full school uniforms, then sit at our desks in silence and write long boring punishment essays. It was HORRIBLE. I don't think schools should be allowed to detain and punish pupils on a Saturday. Do you agree? FML

agreeclassic 202

vote type 1 2 068

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

agreeclassic 8 882

vote type 1 57 461

Today, my husband started screaming at me about how I’d lost the mop, so he couldn’t mop the kitchen, and how the mess in the house is my fault since I got fired before Covid and "sit all day doing nothing" when I could be cleaning. Because job hunting during Covid is totally doing nothing all day. FML

agreeclassic 710

vote type 1 1 147

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

agreeclassic 41 038

vote type 1 8 074

Today, I sprained my ankle badly at a volleyball game. I asked my coach for some athletic tape so I could get back in the game. She handed me duct tape and said that athletic tape and duct tape are basically the same. Getting duct tape off your sprained ankle hurts like hell. FML

agreeclassic 1 098

vote type 1 187

Today, I'm 37 years-old. I work full time and make 20 dollars an hour. I live with my parents. I still cannot afford to move out and I'm completely broke. I keep overspending because I get anxious because I feel like a failure. I'm addicted to sugar and eat a pint of ice cream a day. FML

agreeclassic 275

vote type 1 626