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By _Ducks_ - 28/05/2014 04:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that my daughter was looking for love in all the wrong places, specifically the county jail. FML

agreeclassic 51 587

vote type 1 5 720

_Ducks_ app_comment_confession_title

_Ducks_ 7

Wednesday 28 May 2014 20:06

Hey, OP here. I can clear a few things up. She was nearly arrested for breaking and entering and saw a 'cute' boy at the jail. Every day since (without my knowledge) she went to the jail and talked to him. I found out last week.

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 17:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

agreeclassic 51 585

vote type 1 17 241

By whyme27 - 09/09/2009 02:41 - Canada

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

agreeclassic 51 585

vote type 1 20 423

By alexbrooke - 16/09/2013 02:49 - United States - Paintsville

Today, as I started my car, I heard the most horrific sounds coming from the engine. When I lifted the hood I realized I'd found my son's cat. FML

agreeclassic 51 582

vote type 1 4 592

alexbrooke app_comment_confession_title

alexbrooke 14

Tuesday 17 September 2013 0:25

Hey! OP here! the cat actually was wrapped around the Serpentine belt! No.it did not survive, and my car is in the shop, being cleaned out with a new belt. Sad thing my son was in the car, he kept saying Mommy! what is it?! The cat has been lost, I actually hadn't drove my car for a couple of days so I'm not sure how long it was actually in there. I am surprised how.many people this has happened to, glad it wasnt just me!

By helpme - 15/07/2013 17:25 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

agreeclassic 51 578

vote type 1 4 665

By Ryanissaur - 19/10/2009 05:34 - Australia

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML

agreeclassic 51 577

vote type 1 3 035

By KarateKid76 - 05/12/2013 03:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

agreeclassic 51 577

vote type 1 6 363

By Benji - 20/05/2009 19:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

agreeclassic 51 572

vote type 1 7 510

Not so tech savvy

By holliefall - 02/06/2009 08:42 - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said, "You're a fucking idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

agreeclassic 51 566

vote type 1 22 763

By brigie - 01/05/2013 08:21 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of two and a half years left me. To clear my head I decided to go for a drive. My car broke down on the way. The only mechanic I have ever used and trusted with my car is my boyfriend. Yes, I had to call him. FML

agreeclassic 51 564

vote type 1 8 154

By dumbteacher - 23/05/2011 14:35

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

agreeclassic 51 562

vote type 1 3 190

Weather

By Anon - 13/06/2013 02:40 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am feeling freezing cold and soaking wet. It turns out that my dad had opened my window when I was sleeping, and rain water had been pouring in on me all night. My hair, face, pillow, blankets, alarm clock, and homework were all soaked as well. FML

agreeclassic 51 559

vote type 1 3 629

By howaboutno - 14/03/2013 09:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, whom I haven't heard from in a whole month, turned up at my door because it was apparently "steak and blowjob day." FML

agreeclassic 51 555

vote type 1 8 703

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 18:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

agreeclassic 51 553

vote type 1 5 388

By jons - 17/02/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML

agreeclassic 51 552

vote type 1 3 612

By Anonymous - 11/01/2013 05:17 - United States - Pass Christian

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try some "prolonging gel" to help him last longer between the sheets. Surprisingly, it worked, and he lasted 3 times longer than usual. I can now enjoy 4 whole minutes of sex. FML

agreeclassic 51 551

vote type 1 6 696

Drilling

By Novocain - 20/04/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

agreeclassic 51 548

vote type 1 5 387

By rained - 02/02/2009 05:44 - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

agreeclassic 51 545

vote type 1 7 734

By Anonymous - 26/05/2014 11:37 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML

agreeclassic 51 541

vote type 1 5 872

Such a cutie

By Anonymous - 30/05/2013 20:25 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mum made me take her poodle on a walk, which she'd dressed in a tiara and a pink dog dress. Being a 19-year-old guy, I was pissed. After I got home, I saw that my mom had filmed me from the window and posted it to Facebook, to everyone's great delight. FML

agreeclassic 51 540

vote type 1 6 135

Happy America Day Mofos!

By Your ass... Grab it... - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

agreeclassic 51 537

vote type 1 4 449

Works out well

By Ann - 18/03/2013 14:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that from now on during sex, I have to be on top at all times, saying I need the exercise more than him. As offensive as this was, I was actually happy because he's crap on top. FML

agreeclassic 51 533

vote type 1 9 237

By Baby eater - 20/05/2014 00:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

agreeclassic 51 531

vote type 1 5 840

By morenita27 - 21/12/2010 01:52 - Canada

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

agreeclassic 51 527

vote type 1 4 078

By WhyDoINeedAName - 13/03/2013 19:51 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

agreeclassic 51 520

vote type 1 8 218

By asshalf15 - 25/07/2014 20:19 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

agreeclassic 51 519

vote type 1 4 420

What the…?

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

agreeclassic 51 514

vote type 1 5 329

You're welcome!

By phonegotlostinthepark - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I lost my phone. I called the number from my friend's phone, hoping I could find it. A guy answered, laughed "Thanks for the phone!" and hung up. FML

agreeclassic 51 514

vote type 1 4 219

Banger

By fuckyouharddad - 15/04/2014 19:24 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume, over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go." FML

agreeclassic 51 510

vote type 1 6 620

By wat_dafuq_bro - 06/05/2013 06:06

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

agreeclassic 51 509

vote type 1 11 385

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Today, I haven't been able to sleep for two nights due to cows mooing loudly somewhere nearby. I recently left the country to stay in the city. Which apparently has a higher cow population than my country home. FML

agreeclassic 6 001

vote type 1 589

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

agreeclassic 23 126

vote type 1 2 304

Today, my family surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a chocolate cake and my ex-boyfriend from back home. They all forgot I'm allergic to chocolate, that I broke up with him about a year ago, and that he’s been trying to win me back ever since. FML

agreeclassic 2 166

vote type 1 127

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

agreeclassic 33 401

vote type 1 4 313

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both Myspace and Facebook before saying to me that he was, "too busy to have sex." FML

agreeclassic 30 915

vote type 1 5 698

Today, during a conversation with my in-laws, I opened up about my insecurities concerning my looks. My mother-in-law responded, "But you're not beautiful." She then repeated it. FML

agreeclassic 5 115

vote type 1 500