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By emmmbo - 19/12/2011 15:40 - Australia

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes; mine said no. FML

agreeclassic 55 830

vote type 1 5 485

By Danielle - 06/06/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML

agreeclassic 55 828

vote type 1 4 078

Mixed reviews

By nirvana_mama157 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

agreeclassic 55 824

vote type 1 4 360

By Anonymous - 08/08/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled, "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

agreeclassic 55 817

vote type 1 3 792

Prize

By Anonymous - 03/05/2013 21:00 - Germany

Today, I overheard my boyfriend admitting that he's only dating me because having me around "sucks a bit less than fucking my own hand". FML

agreeclassic 55 814

vote type 1 5 328

Not now, Yoda

By iwassoclose - 10/04/2013 16:32 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is." Orgasm gone. FML

agreeclassic 55 813

vote type 1 8 816

By Anonymous - 07/02/2015 11:51 - United States - Desoto

Today, hours after being turned down for sex, I woke up to my boyfriend sitting at the computer, jacking off to a picture of my deceased mom. FML

agreeclassic 55 810

vote type 1 4 659

Score!

By OverIt - 25/02/2014 22:24 - United States - Winchester

Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML

agreeclassic 55 810

vote type 1 11 234

By Sleepy head - 07/10/2013 01:34 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

agreeclassic 55 805

vote type 1 15 058

By Whatswrongwithme? - 03/11/2013 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

agreeclassic 55 805

vote type 1 5 730

By anonymous - 22/12/2012 12:50 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML

agreeclassic 55 803

vote type 1 4 995

Who knows?

By Anonymous - 08/02/2014 18:49 - United States

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

agreeclassic 55 799

vote type 1 11 087

By d.stack - 12/08/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

agreeclassic 55 794

vote type 1 3 993

By SirDirtyRedD - 25/01/2014 01:03 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

agreeclassic 55 792

vote type 1 5 178

By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - 31/03/2013 04:34 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

agreeclassic 55 791

vote type 1 4 091

By Anonymous - 14/07/2013 19:37 - Brazil - Campinas

Today, while mourning my friend's recent passing, my dad told me to shut the fuck up because "worse things are going on in the world". FML

agreeclassic 55 790

vote type 1 4 673

By notsexy - 28/07/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

agreeclassic 55 789

vote type 1 8 449

By Parusu - 13/02/2014 00:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

agreeclassic 55 785

vote type 1 4 392

By Anonymous - 07/05/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

agreeclassic 55 783

vote type 1 4 702

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 20:55 - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

agreeclassic 55 770

vote type 1 12 849

By Mike - 25/04/2011 21:39

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

agreeclassic 55 765

vote type 1 6 400

By disturbed2103 - 09/07/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

agreeclassic 55 764

vote type 1 9 113

Bondage prank [GONE SEXUAL]

By ldn - 21/03/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

agreeclassic 55 763

vote type 1 13 002

By Subliminal message - 19/01/2014 23:21 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

agreeclassic 55 762

vote type 1 8 500

By vrossie_ - 08/09/2013 05:56 - United States

Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML

agreeclassic 55 758

vote type 1 4 211

vrossie_ app_comment_confession_title

vrossie_ 15

Monday 9 September 2013 21:43

Yea it was clever. I shared it to my Biology class and they all laughed.

By kk - 09/01/2013 16:07 - United States

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

agreeclassic 55 756

vote type 1 5 333

Fancy seeing you here!

By tryingnottocare - 06/08/2009 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

agreeclassic 55 752

vote type 1 4 616

By paige - 01/04/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

agreeclassic 55 749

vote type 1 5 792

By John - 07/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 6 years. She said no. Why? She's already married. FML

agreeclassic 55 740

vote type 1 6 355

Congratulations!

By Noname - 09/03/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

agreeclassic 55 737

vote type 1 2 950

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Top

Today, my mom slaved over a hot stove making a meal for 20 guests. They all cancelled at the last second. We now have leftovers for 20 people. FML

agreeclassic 705

vote type 1 100

Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML

agreeclassic 1 838

vote type 1 219

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

agreeclassic 27 493

vote type 1 6 665

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

agreeclassic 43 241

vote type 1 2 981

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

agreeclassic 10 502

vote type 1 920

Today, I was grocery shopping, when an elderly lady walked up to me and tripped over her own feet. I caught her by the arm, at which point she shrieked at me for "groping" her. She ended up smirking as security threw me out of the store. FML

agreeclassic 27 016

vote type 1 1 808