The Top

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By kinky - 05/08/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 678

You deserved it 38 024

By WildaRora - 14/03/2013 07:19 - Australia

Today, I picked up my new car. The dealer offered to connect my iPhone to the Bluetooth system for me. Once connected it automatically started playing the audiobook I had been listening to over the stereo system. Right on a passage which had an extremely graphic description of anal sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 294

You deserved it 19 060

WildaRora tells us more.

WildaRora 43

Thursday 14 March 2013 14:56

Hi guys, OP here. The dealer was femalel, I doubt she was older than 25 and we managed to laugh it off. After me nearly dying from embarrassment she actually asked what the book was. And no, it wasn't 50 Shades of Grey. It was not just the description of the act that was so bad, it was the moans and groans that the narrator put along with it. It sounded like really bad **** - not that I know what that sounds like! Thing is I was shocked when it came up in the audiobook, which is why it was stopped at that part. Later on I listened to the rest of it and boy was I glad that I managed to stop it when I did. I am really thankful that I found out about this feature before I took my parents for a drive.

By Theregomylifesavings - 07/08/2016 08:52 - Vanuatu - Port-vila

Today, I arrived for the holiday across the world that I spent my entire savings from working during college on. I had a slight sore throat, and couldn't manage to equalise my right ear, aborting all my scuba dives. There goes $500 and my dream of being a scuba instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 824

You deserved it 1 131

By Anonymous - 31/03/2012 07:03 - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to see my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he wouldn't have to drive me there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 820

You deserved it 2 326

Don't Touch My Fries

By FML Approved - 22/10/2017 04:00

These aren't beetles... This is Sparta!

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 123

By onedollar - 24/07/2010 21:56 - Venezuela

Today, someone gave me 13 dollar bills. I rejected one because I'm very superstitious about the unlucky 13. Later, I waited half an hour in the car for someone to bring me exactly 1 dollar because I did not have enough for the parking fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 691

You deserved it 65 715

Spoiler warning

By Cantseethroughdoors - 14/11/2017 05:00

Today, everyone was signing a birthday card to surprise a coworker. I was told to go find someone who hadn't signed it so I went to the office next to mine, opened the door, and told them about the card. The intended recipient was sitting behind the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 971

You deserved it 1 296

Relax!

By still sore - 12/10/2019 19:00

Today, after months of asking my massage therapist boyfriend to work on me, and him always saying he’s too tired to do so, I called my local spa to make an appointment. He then screamed at me for wasting money and for going to the competition when he could just do the job himself. I'm confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 912

You deserved it 227

Christmas is canceled

By Virginia6810 - 14/10/2019 02:00

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 168

By thanksdad - 16/03/2014 19:28 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 833

You deserved it 6 298

It's a pretty good response, though

By angrymom - 04/06/2021 01:59

Today, I got a call from my son’s teacher. Apparently, while doing a test, he responded to the question, "Predict how the government will change in the next ten years" with, "I’m not psychic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 170

Misconstrued

By Anonymous - 22/09/2009 23:36 - Canada

Today, I was checking into a hotel with my boyfriend. A few minutes after we get to our room, the cops show up to our door asking to see some ID from the both of us. The hotel staff had called the cops on us because they thought I was underage and he was going to molest me. I'm 21 and he is 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 052

You deserved it 3 210

By Anonymous - 12/03/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 914

You deserved it 6 131

Pussy power

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 17:57 - Canada - Fernie

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 176

You deserved it 8 165

By Anonymous - 21/02/2013 13:43 - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 972

You deserved it 12 001

Bon appetit!

By Fattie - 28/10/2019 06:00

Today, I'm on a diet. I was compelled to start it when the only pet name my boyfriend could think of for me yesterday was, "My baby elephant." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 605

You deserved it 292

Toxic waste

By Anonymous - 02/09/2022 06:00 - Europe

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at a lake. I felt my stomach rumble and knew I couldn’t make it to shore, so I dropped into the water and had violently diarrhea in the water. It started to bubble, and so I started splashing around, saying, “It’s cold” while she swam around me, in my shit water. I’ve never told her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 464

By Anonymous - 03/07/2016 23:22

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 192

You deserved it 3 974

Beady eye

By Anonymous - 16/11/2019 18:00

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 090

You deserved it 2 260

David Attenborough

By types - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he was going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 499

You deserved it 3 744

By Dave - 10/09/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 544

You deserved it 3 581

My chocolate

By oops - 31/12/2019 05:00

Today, I was being playful with my boyfriend and put a chocolate between my legs. He bit the chocolate. My lips too... FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 1 812

Man vs Boy

By Anonymous - 17/02/2018 19:00

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 000

You deserved it 312

No chance

By Anonymous - 21/02/2020 14:00

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 559

You deserved it 920

By Grrrr! - 23/04/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to hunt Easter eggs before we have sex. I'm glad he has his priorities straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 044

You deserved it 10 949

Our house, was a very very very nice house

By Anonymous - 06/03/2020 18:00

Today, my house caught on fire. After it was put out, I realized the damage wasn't bad, mainly smoke damage. I went to my parents' for the night because my house smelled. While there, I received a phone call from my neighbor. Apparently, my house caught fire again. It's now a pile of ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 302

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 09/01/2014 17:59 - United States - Imperial

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 130

You deserved it 7 780

Follow the yellow brown road

By cat_lady - 05/04/2020 17:00

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 532

You deserved it 333

By CockroachCluster - 02/06/2018 01:30

Today, I turned on my A/C for the first time in a couple of months. A family of ginormous cockroaches climbed out of the air vent and a few clumps of dead cockroaches fell to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 132

You deserved it 488

By Mr. Sensitive Nips - 17/03/2011 22:38 - United States

Today, I was spending Saint Patrick's Day with my girlfriend, when she started pinching me for not wearing green. To my complete shock, when she pinched my nipple, I got the biggest, most noticeable erection I've ever had in my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. We were in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 614

You deserved it 9 414

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The Top

Today, I took my partner’s car to fill with gas because mine was in the shop. Out of habit, I put diesel into the tank. We discovered it three hours later; the tow bill ate my weekly budget, the mechanic sighed through the repair estimate, and I spent the evening on hold with roadside help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105

You deserved it 482

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 815

You deserved it 3 532

Today, I was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to New York. When I got to my row, I noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me, and a pair of toddlers behind me. I then looked to my seat to find I have no window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 832

You deserved it 3 735

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 565

You deserved it 3 202

Today, I found out that my now ex-fiancé was still married to her ex throughout the entire relationship. What I didn't realize was that I ended up paying for the divorce, and 3 months later she got married to someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 199

You deserved it 176

Today, I checked my bank account that I've been saving money in since I was a kid for college. I have $100 left out of the $10,000 I had last month. Apparently my parents thought buying a pool and an HDTV for themselves was more important than my college education. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131 776

You deserved it 6 466