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By Sanchez - 07/01/2010 17:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 558

You deserved it 2 815

By ashamed - 20/01/2016 19:00 - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 279

You deserved it 1 704

Pleased to meet you

By Mr_Yato - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a girl in my class introduced herself to me for the fourth time this semester. Am I really that invisible? FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 929

You deserved it 1 948

By MLGreco - 14/10/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 495

You deserved it 5 785

Not so anal retentive then…

By Anonymous - 03/02/2017 22:00 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 366

You deserved it 747

Moron

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because, "Wi-Fi’s all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said, "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil Ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 937

You deserved it 4 227

Charming

By iwillcutyou - 06/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 709

You deserved it 160

By Why - 18/12/2018 05:00

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 414

You deserved it 162

Have a good one!

By suuuuuupucci - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 203

You deserved it 3 528

By Anonymous - 22/09/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 383

You deserved it 16 804

By Stargirl - 28/02/2017 07:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 038

You deserved it 754

By Anonymous - 01/12/2015 09:49 - Australia - Corrimal

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 732

You deserved it 6 616

Weird dude

By Anonymous - 09/04/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 383

You deserved it 251

By Thatgirl - 14/04/2019 20:00

Today, my grandfather told me I could bring a date to my cousin’s wedding. I said I didn't have anyone to bring. He replied, “That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.” He’s 98. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 028

You deserved it 288

Get cracking

By goingdownhillfast - 12/04/2017 02:00

Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 445

You deserved it 322

Work sux

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor had said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 436

You deserved it 929

You wanker

By Jeremy - 10/05/2009 01:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 321

You deserved it 87 364

By shakira, when the walls fell - 23/10/2015 18:56 - Canada

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 572

You deserved it 2 987

By Degueusement - 18/08/2014 04:48 - France - Puteaux

Spicy

Today, to spice things up, my boyfriend suggested we wear disguises. Amused by the idea, I accepted. That's how I ended up having sex with Gandalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 824

You deserved it 11 027

By hellpop - 10/12/2016 16:23 - United Kingdom - Smethwick

Today, my partner and I took his daughter to a museum. "I want to see the dead people!" is all she said the whole journey there. She's four. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 023

You deserved it 882

hellpop tells us more.

hellpop 22

Sunday 11 December 2016 20:51

Hey, OP here. I thought I'd leave a comment just to give a tiny bit more clarity. After we went to the museum and took her for food, we asked why she said that. Turns out, she'd heard us talking about it and heard that there was a mummy there. So #1 was spot on! The next day in fact she went on to repeat what I read out at the mummy exhibit so there is nothing wrong with this girl's memory.

By lemonchips - 12/10/2015 21:28 - Norway

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 459

You deserved it 2 990

By slicero - 07/12/2016 04:40

Today, I finally got a package for some pieces that my model kit was missing after I had contacted customer services about the problem. The package was still missing a piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 070

You deserved it 643

Long time coming

By heaventlyassbutt - 30/11/2016 12:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 009

You deserved it 1 020

Creepy Uncle Dave

By ScandinaviaBacon - 11/06/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 845

You deserved it 236

By Alittlebitiffy - 14/11/2016 12:42 - Australia - Caloundra

Today, for the sixteenth day in a row, my husband slept in the guest room because he doesn't want to disturb the dogs once they've fallen asleep on our bed, so they don't hate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 133

You deserved it 1 296

Hush

By furious parent - 03/07/2019 18:00

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 096

You deserved it 348

By bob7654 - 11/11/2016 02:44 - United States - Arlington

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 274

You deserved it 2 122

By Anonymous - 12/07/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 663

You deserved it 1 031

Delicious hell

By superdrinkingbud - 23/06/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 042

You deserved it 616

By jwolt92 - 25/10/2016 02:27 - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, I felt something wet and warm on my arm. I looked down and saw a kid with his mouth attached to my arm. Didn't expect that out of a third grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 641

You deserved it 708

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The Top

The Top

Today, I watched my brother attempt to cook some eggs without turning the gas on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 878

You deserved it 5 022

Today, my brand-obsessed sister bought $200 shorts. She was cutting the tag off of them in the kitchen and left them on the counter. I went into the kitchen, poured me some coke, and spilled it all over the counter. I thought the shorts were a rag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 375

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 109

You deserved it 20 662

Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 721

You deserved it 405

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 481

You deserved it 4 087

Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 478

You deserved it 25 007