Spicy

Some guys will hump anything

By slschmidt - 22/09/2021 14:00 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, when asked for a second date, I had to explain to a man that I didn’t want to see him again, and that he should give women compliments and ask them questions when on a date. He then told me he only does that when his dates look good or say something interesting. He sure still tried to fuck me. FML

agreeclassic 1 403

vote type 1 344

Butt-dial

By I'm a recurring amateur porn consumer but this is bollocks. - 21/09/2021 23:00

Today, my father sent me a video via Whatsapp. In it, he was cheating on my mother. FML

agreeclassic 1 451

vote type 1 95

But my grandbabiiiiiiies!

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 02:00

Today, my mother was sneaking through my underwear and found my condoms and the bills from the hospital where I had my IUD inserted. She then started yelling at me, saying that I didn't have permission to not have children and that, "I get to choose, not you." I'm 28 years-old. FML

agreeclassic 2 325

vote type 1 200

Thanks, that fixed it

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 20:00

Today, my coworker touched me inappropriately. I reported it to HR, and all they said was, "Do you want to talk to a therapist?" FML

agreeclassic 1 301

vote type 1 138

Comeback

By Pinsky - 20/09/2021 01:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I walked in on the guy I called a cuck in high school going down on my sister. FML

agreeclassic 316

vote type 1 2 001

Feed me with your kiss

By Anonymous - 18/09/2021 08:00

Today, while having missionary sex, my girl was reaching a climax. She kept screaming a bunch of things like, “Yes!”, “Don’t stop!”, “Keep going.” Well, at least until a giant booger fell straight from my nose into her mouth. Then the only thing she was screaming was that I needed to leave. FML

agreeclassic 1 947

vote type 1 823

Pee is stored in the balls

By Anonymous - 18/09/2021 02:01 - Belgium - Lint

Today, I learned two things: first, that a bladder infection may spread to your testicles, and second, that the first does not excuse you from work. FML

agreeclassic 1 070

vote type 1 105

Us neither, dude

By Buzzing Confusion - 17/09/2021 13:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the mother of my children named her vibrator after me. We are together and have not had sex in over 18 months. I have no idea what to do with this information. FML

agreeclassic 1 374

vote type 1 227

That's one way to start the weekend

By Monkey - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

agreeclassic 56 701

vote type 1 3 091

I wish!

By Anonymous - 17/09/2021 11:00

Today, my sister saw an empty bottle of squirty cream in my bedroom, and now her and my siblings keep teasing me about how I must have a really kinky sex life. Truth is, I ate the cream by myself with cake, chocolate and biscuits, because I was depressed about it actually being 2 years since I had sex. FML

agreeclassic 1 257

vote type 1 280

Not sure that's how it works

By Julisna - 16/09/2021 20:00

Today, after getting sick of my boyfriend pestering me for a threesome, I invited a male friend over. My boyfriend strongly declined, because, "Hell no, I ain’t gay." So this man expects me to be a lesbian, but him being gay is a problem. FML

agreeclassic 1 779

vote type 1 339

Silver linings

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 05:00

Today, I'm over COVID but have apparently lost my sense of smell and taste. My boyfriend, who thinks he’s a comedian, said at least I can’t complain his farts stink and should have no problem swallowing instead of spitting during blowjobs. FML

agreeclassic 1 206

vote type 1 366

No kink shaming

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 08:01 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I found out the real reason for my parents' divorce. Not because they had grown apart as they claimed, but because my dad was sleeping with hookers. FML

agreeclassic 1 268

vote type 1 90

It's up there somewhere

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 06:57 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, it was the first time my fiancé and I have been able to have sex in the daytime for ages. We have 2 kids under 2 who take up most of our time, so when we had the opportunity, we grabbed a condom and pounced. Everything was going well until he pulled out… and left the condom inside. Now we can’t find it. FML

agreeclassic 1 497

vote type 1 221

Horno

By horno - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad why the WiFi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

agreeclassic 25 676

vote type 1 2 639

You're fired

By Pyrophobia - 13/09/2021 23:00

Today, my husband nearly set our apartment on fire, all because he attempted to burn any evidence of his affair with his mistress, including the used latex condom. FML

agreeclassic 1 738

vote type 1 152

Ace of Spades

By Simon Edhouse - 13/09/2021 09:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my wife has initiated sex less than five times in the 18 years we've been married. If I don't mention it, then she doesn't have to bother. FML

agreeclassic 1 186

vote type 1 246

Taking it too far

By Anonymous - 12/09/2021 03:00 - Bangladesh - Chittagong

Today, I was playing GTA V, and being the horny bastard that I am, I went to the club and was getting a lap dance in-game. My cousin walked in to find me kissing the TV. FML

agreeclassic 209

vote type 1 3 141

uBlock, mate

By Anonymous - 11/09/2021 05:01

Today, my husband has been in a bad mood all week, so I finally demanded to know why. He told me his favourite porn site has suddenly started showing adverts, so now he can’t wank in peace anymore without pop-up ads appearing every 20 seconds. FML

agreeclassic 1 306

vote type 1 250

Power moves

By Travis - 10/09/2021 22:59

Today, my wife told me that I take her breath away. However, she was talking about my large stomach hitting her while we have sex and knocking the wind out of her with every thrust. FML

agreeclassic 620

vote type 1 1 227

Everybody want to drool the world

By slapstick1982 - 10/09/2021 08:01

Today, I was having sex with my wife, doggy-style. She then got mad at me for coming on her back. I didn’t have the balls to tell her that was drool. FML

agreeclassic 458

vote type 1 1 227

Parental advice

By Anonymous - 09/09/2021 07:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my brother and his wife, who is 6 months pregnant, disturbed our boring family vacation by having really loud sex. Our Mother then began a sentence aimed at me that started with, "I think if you showed more enthusiasm…" FML

agreeclassic 1 323

vote type 1 190

Humblebrag

By Jason - 09/09/2021 05:01

Today, I discovered that have large "parts" is not all it's cracked up to be, when the girl of my dreams broke up with me because, and I quote, "We tried everything and it just won't fit." FML

agreeclassic 2 543

vote type 1 403

Mind the handbrake!

By Anonymous - 07/09/2021 11:01

Today, I've been loyal to my wife for almost 25 years then I randomly bumped into my high school sweetheart, sparks flew like when we were teenagers, and less than an hour later we were having sex in her car. I feel like such scum. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

agreeclassic 556

vote type 1 8 677

To catch a predator

By not to blame - 07/09/2021 02:01

Today, my boyfriend’s family, whom I’ve known since I was in elementary school, now completely hate and blame me for "ruining their precious baby boy’s life." I'd called the police and reported him after finding out he cheated on me with not one, but several high school girls. We’re in our 30s. FML

agreeclassic 2 357

vote type 1 261

Respect

By it’s still cheating! - 05/09/2021 11:01 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my wife, who’s been a stay at home mom since our kids were born, hasn’t really been out looking for a day job since they’re old enough to be in school full time now. She has however been day-drinking and hooking up with the neighbor's wife. She insists she’s not gay, just experimenting. FML

agreeclassic 1 843

vote type 1 214

Too. Much. Information.

By knnev - 05/09/2021 08:01

Today, I had to explain to my mother that she needed to buy a new mattress, telling her that we could hear the springs rattling every time she had sex with my dad. She then went on to explain that that is why they have sex on my bed when I'm not home. FML

agreeclassic 1 684

vote type 1 188

It's out there

By anonymous - 03/09/2021 20:00

Today, my boyfriend showed me a video on his phone that he'd recorded of us having sex. Furious, I asked him if he'd ever shown it to anyone. His response was, "No, not really, I mean… My roommate walked in on me watching it. Oh, and my dad wanted to know how our relationship was going, I was drunk…" FML

agreeclassic 1 723

vote type 1 181

Bae goals

By ninithel - 02/09/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that when my partner says, "Let's cuddle up, watch something and spend the night together," he means ,"I'm gonna wank and fall asleep at 8.30 with my phone playing videos." FML

agreeclassic 1 179

vote type 1 192

Broke

By PinChi - 31/08/2021 21:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my wife's OnlyFans account is the only thing keeping us solvent. Also, that my wife has an OnlyFans account. FML

agreeclassic 1 159

vote type 1 263

VDM sur Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, my dad decided to clean out my car and "accidentally" threw away my $520 tax refund check. FML

agreeclassic 53 201

vote type 1 6 840

Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML

agreeclassic 29 564

vote type 1 12 702

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

agreeclassic 12 957

vote type 1 2 155

Today, my friend was complaining to me about her problems. I tried to be a good, understanding friend, listening and giving advice. When it was my turn to vent, she interrupted me, saying, "Sorry, but I don't really care." FML

agreeclassic 33 424

vote type 1 2 666

Today, I found out that the motivational quote I've been living by for months is actually from a misattributed SpongeBob SquarePants meme. No wonder my colleagues looked at me strangely during team meetings. FML

agreeclassic 146

vote type 1 559

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

agreeclassic 4 761

vote type 1 401