New year's day, Wanker and Intimacy: Wanking in the New Year

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

agreeclassic 54 830

vote type 1 13 325

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Lonely hearts

By Lena - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

agreeclassic 26 738

vote type 1 3 214

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

agreeclassic 25 967

vote type 1 3 035

Happy New Leg

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

agreeclassic 43 572

vote type 1 4 526

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

agreeclassic 5 535

vote type 1 1 049

Stranger danger

By shit - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

agreeclassic 17 730

vote type 1 31 766

Sounds promising

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

agreeclassic 28 781

vote type 1 3 238

Courtesy visit

By hottytodday - 12/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxford

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

agreeclassic 2 547

vote type 1 371

What's your resolutions?

By why? - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

agreeclassic 31 347

vote type 1 2 503

I hate myself

By trixanne - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

agreeclassic 28 732

vote type 1 3 964

Piss poor prank

By peedonme - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet, sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

agreeclassic 32 288

vote type 1 2 955

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

Comments

IXChaosDragonXI 13

Wednesday 1 January 2014 21:15

Well did you manage it?

mzhaze 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 21:16

did it work?

worldclassrager 39

Wednesday 1 January 2014 21:36

Did you get it off?

suckitstyles 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 21:37

Damn I wish I thought of that

olpally 32

Wednesday 1 January 2014 21:58

Giggity! Hahaha.

xxsakuraxx 29

Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:25

Thats disgusting

Kendrah18 19

Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:30

Well, did you do it? lol

superkahmiguru 3

Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:39

Happy new year!

PrettyBlackChick 16

Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:40

Did you?

shaytards_fml 9

Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:23

Tbh that's hella sad

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, my boss wrote me up for drinking Kombucha at work, swearing it was "fancy Asian beer." I went to HR with the bottle and they dismissed the write up, since they saw sense and realized. FML

agreeclassic 373

vote type 1 68

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

agreeclassic 25 161

vote type 1 2 809

Today, at work, I was putting away clothes in the Men's department, when a guy came and started shopping in the aisle in front of me. He kept staring at me non-stop. Getting fed up, I said "What are you staring at?" Turns out he was wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head. FML

agreeclassic 9 292

vote type 1 64 697

Today, I was at a bar with a friend. A guy came up to me, took my drink and drank it. I laughed and jokingly said "now, you have to buy me a drink." He said "I would rather buy your friend a drink." FML

agreeclassic 52 067

vote type 1 4 161

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

agreeclassic 2 778

vote type 1 158

Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML

agreeclassic 27 192

vote type 1 1 979

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