Today, I was masturbating after 2 weeks of nothing. Just as I... - FML

Content almost refused by staff

By Cleanup My Mess - 10/10/2018 03:17

Today, I was masturbating after 2 weeks of nothing. Just as I was releasing a long overdue load, my puppy walked in front of me and caught everything. Frightened, he pooped and ran around the house, getting cum and poop everywhere. My parents come home from work in 30 minutes. FML

agreeclassic 37

vote type 1 57

The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. More…

Previous FML Next FML

TOP COMMENTS

BurnInDemonFire 35

Friday 12 October 2018 3:18

Do you always unload in random spots around the house, or did your poor, innocent puppy happen to get between you and your sock?

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 35

Friday 12 October 2018 3:18

Do you always unload in random spots around the house, or did your poor, innocent puppy happen to get between you and your sock?

VDM sur Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Top

Today, a guy took me on a date to McDonald’s. I smiled, but told him politely that I don’t eat fast food. He called me a stuck-up snob and a high maintenance gold digger who didn’t deserve him. I’m neither. I have IBS and greasy food sets me off. I had to walk home. FML

agreeclassic 1 408

vote type 1 173

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

agreeclassic 575

vote type 1 1 313

Today, after I was finally able to afford a house in a nicer area so my kids could go to a better school, I was practically in the house for about 30 seconds before I started getting messages from neighbours, insinuating they don’t appreciate “my sort” and I should, “piss off back to Muslim-land.” I was born in Oxford. FML

agreeclassic 1 015

vote type 1 140

Today, I'm depressed because my long-time dentist, who I've had for nearly two decades, is retiring and I'm having my last appointment with him. It's also depressing that one of my only meaningful relationships is with my dentist. FML

agreeclassic 436

vote type 1 147

Today, I made a very pretty sunflower cake that I woke up incredibly early to make. It took me hours and a lot of money. It was for my grandparents anniversary and my whole family was invited. We only got to see the remains because the waiter gave it to the wrong family, and they ate it. FML

agreeclassic 47 963

vote type 1 2 381

Today, a man having a breakdown was trashing the shop, and I was talking to him, calming him down, when an old guy popped up out of nowhere and hit him in the back of the head, out cold in seconds. He then looked at me and told me, "That’s how you deal with crazy people. You need to grow a pair, son." FML

agreeclassic 424

vote type 1 238