The Top

I babysat for her when she was 3-6 and it's been a long time, years. She looks incredibly different. She used to be blonde, for instance, and now has dark brown hair.

Make it stop

By firstandlastjob - 13/06/2020 14:11

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 898

You deserved it 221

What's your morning routine?

By Oliveisthenewora - 05/04/2016 05:55 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes, I tried washing it off, but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess who's going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 265

You deserved it 7 349

By Anonymous - 31/10/2013 20:42 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 656

You deserved it 3 552

By The_FN_Gunny - 29/10/2013 22:31 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was wearing a letterman jacket that had my school name and "Okinawa Japan" on the back. A high school kid walks up to me and says, "I can't forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor." I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 392

You deserved it 4 167

By BaconLover - 28/10/2013 04:58 - Japan

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I could love anything more than her, and if so, what. I guess "bacon" was the wrong answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 620

You deserved it 45 534

By Anonymous - 15/02/2015 17:57 - Denmark

Today, my roommate let out a blood-curdling scream in the bathroom. I ran in to see what was going on, only to find her sitting on the toilet, topless. Turned out she'd tried to pierce her own tit using a clothespin and a needle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 439

You deserved it 3 278

Am I being Punk'd?

By Anonymous - 16/05/2024 19:00

Today, my boyfriend and I introduced our parents to each other, and they seemed to have already met somewhere, so I asked them about it. At first they seemed shifty, then guilty, then admitted everything. They’ve actually known each other for decades as part of the same swingers group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 655

You deserved it 154

By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 22:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 844

You deserved it 4 929

By mylifereallyISeffed - 22/07/2009 10:43 - Australia

Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 443

You deserved it 4 052

By michelle - 05/02/2010 19:01 - France

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't answer his phone last night. He was hanging out with our mutual friend all night. She had been texting me all night about what great sex she was having. My boyfriend was the only person there besides her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 491

You deserved it 2 822

By iLuvsIt - 06/11/2012 09:32 - Australia - Belmont

Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 821

You deserved it 3 298

By Dante178 - 08/12/2011 20:41 - United States

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 773

You deserved it 3 798

By jswag2004 - 11/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Elgin

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 907

You deserved it 385

By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 11:45 - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 555

You deserved it 2 729

By Sal - 05/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 423

You deserved it 2 496

Explain yourself

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 327

You deserved it 4 609

By Lilly - 30/10/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, my husband and I found out that our dog was pregnant. He now refuses to have kids with me for at least two years, because he wants to raise the puppies without any "distractions". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 985

You deserved it 4 385

By mee - 30/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 170

You deserved it 8 858

By Anonymous - 15/07/2009 04:20 - Canada

Today, I was in the gas station and I saw this creepy lady staring at me and smiling. She just didn't stop. I even gave an awkward wave to let her know that I saw her staring at me. Finally I decided to confront the woman, turns out the overly happy woman was a cardboard cut out FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 471

You deserved it 66 299

By Fucked - 24/01/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 801

You deserved it 13 758

By thanksgrandpa - 08/03/2016 20:08 - Canada - Concord

Today, an attractive woman sat beside me at the doctor's office. Unfortunately, on my other side was my senile old uncle who can't control his bowels, and after a few uncontrollable farts, she was on the other side of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 953

You deserved it 1 637

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 483

You deserved it 4 478

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 315

You deserved it 3 274

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny by making a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent, "Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 3 360

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 342

You deserved it 6 790

Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat on the seat. Then I felt a stinging pain on my left bum cheek. I jumped up quickly to see a wasp splashing around in the bowl. It stung me, and now have a bum cheek twice its normal size, and pee all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 317

You deserved it 3 417

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 872

You deserved it 4 490