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By Rach - 08/08/2018 23:30

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 088

You deserved it 797

Stealth dog

By Anonymous - 02/06/2020 02:00

Today, while I was sitting in a waiting room to be seen, my service dog (who was tucked under the bench I was sitting) let out the most vile, silent but deadly fart. The person near me retched and heaved, and I got death glares while someone sprayed their old lady perfume to mask the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 243

By CrappyValentine - 14/02/2012 18:56 - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 380

You deserved it 37 920

By Mintilou - 08/04/2016 03:17 - United Kingdom - Wednesbury

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 116

You deserved it 4 507

By I can still feel it... - 24/08/2018 19:30 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my contact split completely in half at a wedding. Not only did I interrupt the vows with my scream of pain, but I was only able to fish out half of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 872

You deserved it 295

Logical

By fresh single - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Pomona

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 134

You deserved it 2 413

By anonymous - 15/02/2015 22:39 - United States - Valdosta

Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 014

You deserved it 2 918

By girl_what - 02/09/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 252

You deserved it 227

By madbabynoel - 25/03/2016 15:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 231

You deserved it 1 604

Thanks!

By uh-oh - 21/07/2009 19:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, dropped a condom on the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 159

You deserved it 30 950

Lazy comeback

By Anonymous - 17/07/2020 02:01

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 2 750

Remember when conspiracy theories were fun?

By ET. - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my wife is totally convinced that she was abducted by aliens last night, all because she fell out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 009

You deserved it 2 710

Animal Farm

By Jaden Dubin - 31/07/2020 08:02

Today, I found a mouse stuck in a glue trap at work. I had to take it home to get it off with oil, and then I released it outside. Twenty minutes later, the cat returned it to me, dead. After that, the dogs dug it up where I buried it. Sorry, mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 457

By cantdolife - 23/09/2018 21:00 - United States - New Boston

Today, as a teacher, I had a conference with the mother of a student who is struggling with behavior. Turns out the mom is the woman who does my Brazilian waxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 391

You deserved it 310

By TiredParent - 09/10/2018 12:00

Today, I had to take my eyes off my kid for a minute to respond to an important work email. I was about to click send when I heard a flushing sound and mad giggling. It was the TV remote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 659

You deserved it 567

Secret unlocked

By Anonymous - 25/01/2010 08:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times, he told me, "Why? It feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence, then he then replied, "I'm not gay, I swear." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 139

You deserved it 5 239

By kfeath1 - 01/03/2016 05:36

Today, while working as a hostess in a restaurant, an old lady complained to the manager that I was on heroin because she could see all the track marks on my arms. I was actually fighting a staph infection and the "track marks" were where my IV had been placed. My manager told me to cover it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 311

You deserved it 1 584

kfeath1 tells us more.

kfeath1 8

Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:10

Wow! This is my FML and I can't get over the number of comments! What happened was my staph infection was on the inside of my body...to look at me I looked absolutely normal. I didn't handle any food, just sat people at their tables. So those of you who are judging...relax; no contamination was given. And I had a port in my arm that I had hidden, but couldn't pull my sleeve down over because it was so big. As for the lady, she just wanted something to complain about. She saw the spots where the port had been and just wanted to complain about it. My manager should have stood up for me, but he didn't and instead decided to tell me that a person complained and I needed to heed what she said. It was a ridiculous time and I'm glad I'm healthy again.

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 09:53 - France

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 333

You deserved it 29 281

By BloodyNoseMcgee - 11/10/2018 15:30

Today, I dropped some glass at my job while putting it on the shelf. A shard bounced off the floor and went up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 017

You deserved it 189

By fezhafeez - 23/02/2016 19:26 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 661

You deserved it 2 301

By Dan - 20/10/2018 15:30

Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 602

You deserved it 2 365

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 12:55 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 488

You deserved it 9 338

By Anonymous - 14/02/2016 09:23 - Canada - Sechelt

Spicy

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and my brother reacted by snorting and calling me a "cuck". Apparently offering your girlfriend a drink means you're being cuckolded now. God, I hope he was adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 773

You deserved it 1 895

By neveragain - 12/02/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Byfleet

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 605

You deserved it 4 661

By Iswearihavegoodhygiene - 04/11/2018 05:00

Today, I popped a zit that had formed around an ingrown hair "down there". It popped with so much force, the pus hit me in the forehead. Still can't get the hair out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 260

You deserved it 276

By lovehurts - 10/02/2016 02:29 - United States - New Baltimore

Today, I met up with my 'on again, off again' girlfriend of 4 years that I'm still madly in love with. We've been broken up for a few months and she's been dating someone else. We talked about possibly trying things again. When I got home, I found out she's engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 877

You deserved it 4 643

Whisky ********

By noO - 07/02/2016 17:43 - United States - Greenwood

Spicy

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 297

You deserved it 3 907

Erm… what?

By UrbanCass - 25/06/2009 23:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control, because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 501

You deserved it 77 056

By Snowman - 24/01/2016 22:21 - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I was shovelling snow out of my driveway and broke my shovel. So I tried cleaning the driveway with a garbage lid. That broke too. Now I'm out snow shovel, AND a garbage lid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 910

You deserved it 4 814

By Anonymous - 05/01/2010 12:49 - India

Today, while studying in India, I was peacefully journaling, reflecting and enjoying the beautiful landscape. And then a monkey threw its poo at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 286

You deserved it 5 407

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The Top

The Top

Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 896

You deserved it 4 314

Today, while I have never been able to say my dog ate my homework, I do get to call several people and tell them my dog ate my wallet. He even chewed up my driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 689

You deserved it 1 079

Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 881

You deserved it 15 218

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 465

You deserved it 2 766

Today, I nearly burnt a hole in my esophagus because I couldn’t stand my dad’s taunts about me not being able to stomach ghost pepper hot sauce. Irony is a cruel bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 265

You deserved it 1 139

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 606

You deserved it 6 171