The Top

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Why do people do this?

By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, a friend showed me my husband's online dating profile, which includes photos of him with our kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 357

You deserved it 157

By grosstoenail - 13/07/2016 05:04 - Canada - Courtice

Today, while I selling merch at a festival, a volunteer lost her toenail. Not only did she immediately show me, but she then took a picture and showed everyone coming up to my station. I lost sales because she wouldn't leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 356

You deserved it 1 048

Boomers

By CakeForBreakfast - 01/11/2019 02:00

Today, I asked my father if I could have my grandfather's old vinyls, record player, and vintage tube radio. He told me he threw those out years ago because, "Who listens to that crap anymore, now that we have mp3s?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 049

You deserved it 234

By hannamacintosh - 28/06/2016 17:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I knew my relationship was basically over when my boyfriend invited me over, and I was more excited about seeing his dog than seeing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 743

You deserved it 1 605

Cheat mode

By Kiki - 23/06/2016 23:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 002

You deserved it 1 123

By tiffylueg - 21/06/2016 13:38

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 260

You deserved it 1 523

Cunning

By Single Again - 07/03/2020 06:11

Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 342

You deserved it 167

By anon - 13/01/2014 01:53 - United States - Bullhead City

Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 523

You deserved it 36 846

By Anonymous - 31/05/2016 15:30 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 281

You deserved it 1 855

Always last

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 827

You deserved it 1 753

Singalong

By shtzbutnogiggles - 17/05/2016 14:10 - United States

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 168

You deserved it 1 032

By Husband to be....maybe - 09/06/2018 09:00

Today, I found out I was allergic to bees, the hard way, at my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 435

You deserved it 246

Pubes of steel

By bushburn - 01/06/2020 02:00

Today, I had to finally give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either he at least trims his giant mass of unruly pubes or no more sex. I feel I have no choice since his huge bush has left friction burns on my face and down below. He doesn’t see the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 094

You deserved it 286

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 14:04 - United States - Bel Air

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 222

You deserved it 2 101

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 13:38 - United States

Today, the coach bus I was riding almost crashed. I was using the restroom at the time. The bus braked so hard, I peed all over the wall and splashed my shirt. Nobody wanted to sit anywhere near me after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 544

You deserved it 1 718

"People have had enough of experts"

By not right - 30/06/2020 23:00

Today, I tried to have a serious talk with my sister about how she feeds her kids. The 5-year-old is 75 lbs and the 7-year-old is nearing 100. She scoffed and said, “What do you know? You can’t even have kids!” No, I can’t have kids, but I am in school to become a pediatrician. Pretty sure I’m right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 719

You deserved it 283

Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma'am

By IamAflyingCat - 22/10/2013 09:12 - United States

Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 718

You deserved it 5 375

By Anonymous - 06/10/2018 15:30

Today, we woke up to two inches of water in our finished basement, which my wife and I use it as our bedroom. The plumber found roots in our sewer line. The kicker: we just bought the house four days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 720

You deserved it 271

You tried

By briiiiiiii123 - 12/01/2015 07:56 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 512

You deserved it 7 767

By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 462

You deserved it 7 608

Fun times

By Anonymous - 14/10/2018 22:00

Today, I arrived at the house we rented for my sister's engagement party. I was also told that I have to sleep in the most cramped bedroom with my uncle, who sounds like a mortally wounded warthog when he snores. I paid for the rental. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 056

You deserved it 312

By Anonymous - 30/09/2012 01:37 - United States - Duarte

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 383

You deserved it 4 892

It's sus

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 09:01 - New Zealand

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 181

You deserved it 10 374

Use your powers wisely

By Levi2411 - 21/11/2018 17:30

Today, I jokingly told my mother to "go fall down a hole" during a mock argument we always have. Not even 10 minutes later, our basement stairs gave out. When I said that, I didn't want her to break both her arms or to actually fall into a gaping hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 925

You deserved it 484

By Vlad - 21/11/2018 13:30

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 061

You deserved it 305

By xsnqw - 19/01/2016 22:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 586

You deserved it 6 968

Talk to me

By JoseIsAdork - 11/01/2016 18:03 - United States - Somers

Today, I realized how lonely I am, when I got a call from an elderly women who had dialed the wrong number. We ended up having a 20 minute conversation about her cat and how he "just won't use the darn litter pan." I was sad when she had to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 356

You deserved it 2 390

Not a morning person

By chris - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 002

You deserved it 28 575

By Anonymous - 07/06/2009 00:38 - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 306

You deserved it 7 360

Uh oh

By awkward - 26/07/2013 18:00 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "Uh-huh," "Not too bad," and "Yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 260

You deserved it 7 272

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The Top

Today, my dog acted out a scene from Disney with me, by causing me and a member of the opposite sex to fall into a river after tangling our legs with the lead. No, it didn't lead to marriage, just me being yelled at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 015

You deserved it 541

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year-old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she'd said "buried." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 290

You deserved it 9 089

Today, I found out my son has been ditching his Zoom classes. He claims he couldn’t connect because of "technical difficulties." I can’t believe he seriously expected me to believe that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 144

Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 460

You deserved it 547

Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 70

Today, I was looking at the skeleton of a human male that we have in out biology classroom. I picked up the hand to examine the bones in the finger, and had the sudden realization that this is the only time that I have held hands with a boy. I'm a junior in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 245

You deserved it 8 694