The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

Sprinkler

By shelly - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 987

You deserved it 7 590

Etymology

By Anonymous - 30/06/2016 21:11 - United States - Houston

Today, my sister asked me, while making a cup of green tea with honey, "I wonder why they call it honey?" I replied, "Probably some Greek or Latin word meaning 'to sweeten'." She stopped, turned and with a serious face asked, "Where exactly is Latin?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 478

You deserved it 1 021

Very frustrating

By Anonymous - 18/01/2020 05:00

Today my Assistant Manager decided to pull a prank on me by walking up behind me and screaming my name. I screamed in terror and then swung around and punched him, full force, dead center in the chest, right in front of my supervisor, manager, and several other employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 455

You deserved it 277

Completely wet

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 20:00

Today, I was drinking too much and I had to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I'd pissed the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 2 079

By why?? - 24/05/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 605

You deserved it 1 373

By Anonymous - 18/05/2016 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat refuses to drink from any source of water that isn't the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 792

You deserved it 1 657

Poisoned chalice

By Anonymous - 27/04/2020 08:00

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 463

By JPF - 13/08/2009 03:13 - Australia

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 559

You deserved it 5 615

KEEP OUT

By Awkward - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Redmond

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 436

You deserved it 15 497

By newbornphotog - 03/05/2016 13:20 - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 829

You deserved it 2 148

Adding insult to injury

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 13:01

Today, working on an ambulance, we had an elderly man who was obviously scared, so to get his mind off things I made small talk. When I went to ask if he was retired, it came out as, "so Steve, are you retarded?" My partner/supervisor across from me had tears running down her face from trying not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 218

By me - 14/04/2016 17:33 - United States - Katy

Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 689

You deserved it 5 961

By Anonymous - 28/08/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend's dog, which he got even though he knew I was allergic, literally got in between us while we were having sex. He didn't stop and got mad when I did. Now I'm itchy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 064

You deserved it 356

Life hacks

By Zibby - 11/02/2011 05:51

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 492

You deserved it 80 918

By bootyislife - 03/02/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 298

You deserved it 4 995

By FD4 - 15/09/2018 14:30

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 3 247

Just a prank, bro

By unlucky dudebag - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 331

You deserved it 4 750

Cheers

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 08:25 - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday, my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 391

You deserved it 3 397

By Puddlepop - 01/03/2016 09:20 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 257

You deserved it 1 667

By leena - 23/02/2016 00:55 - United States - Encinitas

Today, my two best friends that I've known since middle school broke up. I'm glad I'm no longer a third wheel but now they won't talk to each other and both use me to complain about the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 611

You deserved it 1 422

By woahlaura - 14/02/2016 16:26 - United States - Houston

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 773

You deserved it 3 396

By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 17:43 - Austria

Today, I made a delicious casserole for dinner. Just as I was about to serve it, a bowl fell from the cupboard above, exploded on the counter and made it rain tiny, sharp glass shards on my food. I can't pick them all out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 917

You deserved it 1 791

By Anonymous - 06/02/2016 01:34 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 456

You deserved it 2 187

By scottishoatmeal - 01/02/2016 23:11 - United Kingdom - Auchterarder

Today, it's been about 8 months since I moved into my studio flat. It was already furnished, there was no bed but a fancy bedseat from Ikea. I slept uncomfortably on it for months until I realised it pulls out to become a double bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 224

You deserved it 12 155

By OhNo - 22/01/2016 21:28 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 584

You deserved it 3 577

By Anonymous - 19/01/2016 12:43 - Canada - Bedford

Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had left semen and filthy water all over the floor and counter. I confronted him and demanded that he clean it up. My parents heard, sighed, and sent me back into the bathroom to clean it up myself. The towel was soaked too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 950

You deserved it 1 596

By Going to work naked tomorrow - 11/12/2018 04:00 - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 238

You deserved it 230

By Embarrassed wife - 21/12/2018 14:00

Today, I let my 5 year old play on my tablet while we were both using one of those family restrooms with two toilets. She took a selfie showing both on us on the toilet and sent it to my husband. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 718

You deserved it 1 302

Hygiene police

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, my daughter and husband surprised me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumped back from the hug and said, "Ewwww, smells like fish." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 881

You deserved it 17 024

By aninc - 28/06/2019 23:15 - United States - Boise

Today, I found out that a strong orgasm can trigger my girlfriend's PTSD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 447

You deserved it 246

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 372

You deserved it 3 111

Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 929

You deserved it 4 078

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 645

You deserved it 539

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 446

You deserved it 4 376

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 643

You deserved it 3 991

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 187