The Top

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Hot bod limit

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 08:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of four years told me that I appeared to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said, "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 711

You deserved it 8 710

By totallyembarassed - 07/07/2012 04:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 014

You deserved it 28 801

By Chris - 05/04/2012 02:50 - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 242

You deserved it 22 753

By screwwyou - 28/09/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 150

You deserved it 5 141

One Day…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Gosford

Today, I paused the movie my girlfriend and I were watching and told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Her response was to stare at me silently for a few seconds before unpausing the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 749

You deserved it 7 227

By Kelly - 12/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 355

You deserved it 3 978

By nemesis5196523 - 03/12/2013 19:45 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 920

You deserved it 4 285

By zitgirl - 14/02/2012 14:14 - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 848

You deserved it 5 582

By pinkleopleurodon - 09/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 137

You deserved it 2 585

This is me

By EchoDearEcho - 04/02/2010 14:52 - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 912

You deserved it 4 803

By crazyt446 - 11/07/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 475

You deserved it 71 696

By I quit - 19/11/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 212

You deserved it 3 351

By clean - 16/09/2013 07:51 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 185

You deserved it 4 301

Unexpected arousal

By Anonymous - 20/08/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 860

You deserved it 12 343

Disrespect

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 588

You deserved it 3 460

Newbie

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 637

You deserved it 7 759

Jealousy

By JLD - 11/10/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I came home from a four-day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she's been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 357

You deserved it 5 162

By clitty clitty bang bang - 13/04/2012 22:40 - United States - Brownsville

Today, after two years of vigorously fundraising on behalf of my senior class, they voted on spending the senior trip money at a waterpark. It's less than thirty minutes from where we all live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 937

You deserved it 2 910

By ridella - 08/04/2011 10:35

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 837

You deserved it 5 473

By gumpy - 25/02/2011 20:37 - United States

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 226

You deserved it 4 494

By sleepless - 20/06/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 065

You deserved it 2 909

By Alisha - 07/08/2012 18:04 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 188

You deserved it 2 353

By BlueBallMcGee - 11/05/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 802

You deserved it 7 050

Scammers gonna scam

By sarahwittman - 13/06/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 375

You deserved it 4 907

By KatieB - 04/04/2012 21:11 - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 632

You deserved it 7 356

By craigtm029429 - 02/03/2012 00:47 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 866

You deserved it 1 903

By Richard - 06/02/2010 18:39 - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 355

You deserved it 4 524

By Anonymous - 08/10/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 842

You deserved it 42 181

By banana2894 - 10/08/2012 04:40 - United States - Eugene

Today, I looked over at the car parked next to me and noticed a very large woman plucking her mustache. She locked eyes with me and kept plucking. After that, every time I looked over, she was still staring. Staring and plucking. Now when I close my eyes, I can still see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 585

You deserved it 3 506

By soapysoap - 10/12/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 907

You deserved it 4 944

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The Top

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 522

You deserved it 3 935

Today, I found out I'm pregnant after 14 years of being told I'll likely never have kids. My fiancé has a 7 year-old child with a woman who used it to stop him from leaving her. Yesterday, she filed a false report/restraining order to keep him from his kid, because he refused to leave me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 901

You deserved it 198

Today, I've known for a long time that I generally only wake up at ungodly hours in the night when something is wrong with me. Since last week, I've been doing this pretty much every night. Only now, I can't figure out what's wrong. Consequently, my anxiety is now keeping me awake too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 183

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? My Australian friend sent me a message saying I'd left my thongs at his house. My boyfriend still refuses to believe that they call flip-flops thongs in Australia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 076

You deserved it 586

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 199

You deserved it 5 465

Today, I asked my husband when he first knew he loved me. He replied, totally honestly, that I was the easiest girl he'd ever managed to talk into a one-night stand, only instead of doing the walk of shame the next morning, I stayed so long we ended up married with kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 938

You deserved it 1 366