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By Anonymous - 19/05/2012 23:20 - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 106

You deserved it 2 549

By Anonymous - 26/05/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 660

You deserved it 3 432

By Sharibabi65 - 07/03/2012 06:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 487

You deserved it 6 858

By unknown - 26/02/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 102

You deserved it 30 901

By Goodyear - 20/01/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 628

You deserved it 10 036

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 18:57 - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 867

You deserved it 13 902

Evil but cute

By WearingOff - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized my new kitten is the spawn of the devil. It decided to go get itself stuck in a tree. I tried to climb up to rescue it. But it kept climbing higher. I was about to grab the cat when I fell. The cat then jumped down and started purring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 709

You deserved it 8 994

Nice guy

By anon - 19/01/2015 05:35 - United States - Burleson

Spicy

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear: "Do you give head?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 543

You deserved it 6 557

Dirty minds

By Anonymous - 18/05/2009 12:40 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 088

You deserved it 8 445

By Emma - 01/08/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, while waiting at the park for my friend, an intoxicated tramp came up to me and asked me out. After I politely declined, he snatched the phone from my hand, threw it on the ground, screamed that I was a "two-timing whore", and staggered away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 130

You deserved it 3 477

Crime doesn't pay

By fuck_thisshit - 09/11/2009 10:27 - Australia

Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A-. All she said was, "Oh well, at least you tried your best". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 375

You deserved it 54 141

By kasai_x0x - 19/06/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 486

You deserved it 36 119

By myself - 30/01/2012 05:24 - Canada

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 378

You deserved it 3 963

By Duplighost - 12/01/2012 20:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 823

You deserved it 40 174

By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 516

You deserved it 3 235

By NotSpiderman - 31/10/2012 17:09 - United States - Edinburg

Today, I discovered a brown recluse spider in my house. Before I could smash it, it escaped under the door. Now I'm freaked out and wearing boots and gloves, clutching at my kittens and waiting for it to appear. My dad laughs everytime he walks past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 709

You deserved it 4 628

By Dopeboyfresh71 - 19/12/2010 01:02 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 996

You deserved it 3 272

Happy place

By Anonymous - 31/05/2009 17:36 - Poland

Today, my husband of ten years was playing the Sims. I asked him about the house he built. Apparently, it was his dream house, and he recreated himself as a Sim so he could live in it. Then I asked him where the wife was. There was no wife. It was his happy place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 963

You deserved it 10 925

By dumpedattheclub - 28/03/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 994

You deserved it 7 277

By drummahboi99 - 04/12/2011 01:29 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while placing her order. I work as a Drive-Thru cashier at McDonalds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 549

You deserved it 5 218

By rashpimplezitz - 08/09/2013 04:22 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, I was prank called yet again by someone asking for a game that was released over 10 years ago. The store I work at only sells modern titles, and I angrily slammed the phone down. My boss saw and fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 754

You deserved it 38 866

rashpimplezitz tells us more.

rashpimplezitz 9

Sunday 8 September 2013 22:50

Hi everyone, OP here. The game they were asking for, was, yes, Battletoads. Just another prank call. Many of you assume that the guy on the other end could have called me legitimately asking for the game, but really, it was the same person each and every time. They were just trying to be a jerk. Hell, you could hear their friends laughing in the background of the call. Yes, I understand that it isn't right to behave like this in the workplace, but I was a bit stressed out (girlfriend breaking up with me, etc.) and I didn't really feel great that day. After some explaining to the boss about the whole Battletoads prank call phenomenon, I was rehired and just took a 3 day suspension. I promise you all that I will not behave in such a way ever again, and thank you all for your wonderful comments.

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 07:26 - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 327

You deserved it 1 904

By Anonymous - 12/06/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 857

You deserved it 4 385

By jenA - 12/07/2012 02:40 - United States

Today, I got a sweet promotion at my job. Instead of being happy and celebrating with me, my boyfriend broke up with me because he is jealous that I'm more successful than he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 481

You deserved it 2 684

By myheart75 - 07/08/2011 09:52 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 540

You deserved it 5 886

By confusedphotographer - 19/04/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was fixing some photos for a client. I spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop an unusual black dot out of a picture. Only then did I discover it was a black dot on my computer screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 874

You deserved it 64 222

Too little, too late

By nosymptoms - 10/02/2012 00:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 828

You deserved it 7 292

By Anonymous - 23/01/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 402

You deserved it 36 060

By regretsteachinghighschool - 05/11/2013 13:22 - United States - Rochester

Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 547

You deserved it 5 840

By HR - 16/12/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 899

You deserved it 4 238

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The Top

The Top

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 930

You deserved it 256

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 798

You deserved it 7 173

Today, I was really hungry at work, and my stomach growled loudly. One of my co-workers heard it and thought it was a cat. Ashamed, I played dumb and we ended up spending twenty minutes looking for a cat that I knew didn't exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 023

You deserved it 19 465

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 424

You deserved it 7 357

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 102

You deserved it 2 677

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 916

You deserved it 7 060