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By painedandpissed - 10/08/2014 16:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 137

You deserved it 7 182

Hott

By purple - 24/03/2012 05:30 - United States - Katy

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 215

You deserved it 12 441

Long distance

By singlesailor - 19/09/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I'm in my fourth month of training in the US Navy. I'm 3000 miles from home. I joined to give my wife a better life. Since I've been gone, she decided that she liked being single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 560

You deserved it 4 478

By abercrombieef - 27/08/2009 23:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 840

You deserved it 3 979

By fugachumi - 07/08/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I discovered that every morning at around 3:00 my dad takes a monumental dump in my bathroom. When I confronted him about it he denied it. He still does it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 851

You deserved it 3 515

Many such cases

By gaga - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 092

You deserved it 39 497

The Pitt

By Anonymous - 18/06/2014 19:06 - United States - Lake Wales

Spicy

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 535

You deserved it 5 045

By Janitor - 08/03/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 348

You deserved it 3 891

By tallwoman - 18/05/2010 18:57 - Denmark

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 610

You deserved it 4 113

Dang y'all

By Kayak - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 900

You deserved it 4 600

By jamisbetter - 11/04/2015 12:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 920

You deserved it 18 969

By quarterback - 23/01/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 116

You deserved it 44 633

By brsoxgirl - 15/07/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 806

You deserved it 5 877

By Ugh - 27/02/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 527

You deserved it 7 738

By keisha89 - 22/06/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, I finally met the guy I've been talking to online for a year. I'd dropped 10lbs off my weight. He'd shaved 20 years off his age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 908

You deserved it 38 973

By superhero1043 - 14/05/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 616

You deserved it 5 233

By Anonymous - 05/01/2014 01:08 - United States - Chicago

Spicy

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 312

You deserved it 7 020

By caempa - 29/12/2010 18:13 - Australia

Today, I was taking my earrings out and thought I had lost the back of one. Turns out my ear infection has caused the flesh of my ear to grow around and engulf the back of my earring and it is still stuck in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 869

You deserved it 13 657

By John W. - 12/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "douche bag" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 651

You deserved it 47 068

By lambxox - 08/11/2010 09:04 - United States

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 362

You deserved it 25 866

By Anonymous - 12/05/2009 23:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 017

You deserved it 59 029

By dope_mcfly - 29/01/2014 16:55 - United States - Keene

Today, my mother-in-law called me every 2 hours, starting at 8pm and stopping at 10am the following morning. She says that since my wife and I are expecting our first child, I should "get used to waking up at all hours." She calls my work phone, which I'm not allowed to switch off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 031

You deserved it 4 062

dope_mcfly tells us more.

dope_mcfly 24

Thursday 30 January 2014 9:31

Hey, OP here. I would have mentioned in the FML that my work phone is one of those "dumb phones" and does not have any option to block numbers. After she did that for two nights in a row, I wound up setting one of the fax machine at my office to auto-dial her mobile and house phones every 15 minutes. Now, the only thing that wakes me up is the occasional user who forgot their login info, and my wife's odd food cravings.

By why - 05/04/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 758

You deserved it 6 614

By selfesteemboost - 27/01/2012 17:14 - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 127

You deserved it 3 132

By anonymous - 20/04/2016 03:09 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I asked a short girl to prom by making a "You must be this tall to say no" sign. She grabbed a chair, stood on it, and then said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 885

You deserved it 30 433

By for fuck sake dad - 02/11/2012 23:50 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 996

You deserved it 3 481

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 305

You deserved it 3 431

By thankshun13 - 07/09/2012 02:45 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 675

You deserved it 4 256

By Anonymous - 24/09/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 530

You deserved it 6 784

Supernatural

By rongo12 - 11/05/2012 21:41

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 987

You deserved it 6 862

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The Top

The Top

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 328

You deserved it 2 698

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 208

You deserved it 2 856

Today, I found out my sudden weight loss wasn’t because I changed my diet. It’s because I have heart failure FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 170

You deserved it 150

Today, I meowed at my cat and he got really close to me. I then meowed again and he punched me in the face. Them's fightin' words, it seems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 379

Today, my best friend said we couldn't be friends anymore because I'm too depressed or too happy all the time. After explaining for half an hour what bipolar depression was and how I have it he just said, "Bullshit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 948

You deserved it 1 737

Today, my pre-teen brother has started using the entire Axe line because he believes that it will give him an "edge with the ladies". He insists on using the products at least three times a day, including before bedtime. I'm allergic to anything that is perfumed. We share a room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 650

You deserved it 3 623