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Life on Nightmare mode

By shitforchris - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Spicy

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 303

You deserved it 12 133

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I called a wrong number. Calling back the right person, I began a long story about how I'd just called the wrong number. It was the wrong number lady again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 855

You deserved it 39 575

By Anonymous - 23/01/2015 14:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 156

You deserved it 3 077

By jack - 08/10/2012 18:36 - United States - Mcnabb

Today, my girlfriend of three months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 016

You deserved it 2 544

By danii - 04/10/2011 01:19 - Reserved

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 283

You deserved it 54 789

By Gurior - 04/09/2011 07:01 - Canada

Spicy

Today, the condoms I bought a few years ago as a celebration of dumping my girlfriend due to a lack of sex, have expired. Every last one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 934

You deserved it 48 832

By happy birthday to me - 05/12/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I had to explain to half of my class that yes, my birthday is on the same day as Hitler's, but no, it does not make me a Nazi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 768

You deserved it 3 141

By Anonymous - 08/12/2011 11:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that the mother of his children, from whom he is not divorced yet, is moving back into his house because she broke up with her boyfriend and has nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 667

You deserved it 8 350

By brylynn - 26/08/2012 01:58 - United States

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 184

You deserved it 7 793

Romance

By Anonymous - 17/07/2012 16:20 - United States - Palmdale

Today, my boyfriend of several years, and father of our one-year-old child, finally proposed. He was making idle conversation from twenty feet away and casually said, "By the way, you wanna get hitched?" This is as romantic as my life will ever get. Yay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 177

You deserved it 9 645

By Anonymous - 16/12/2013 07:55

Spicy

Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 044

You deserved it 7 416

By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 06:18 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADHD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 151

You deserved it 6 341

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 440

You deserved it 49 795

By MotherofET - 11/07/2011 04:23 - Australia

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 353

You deserved it 4 518

Thanks, I hate it

By n77 - 23/04/2011 02:17 - Switzerland

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 272

You deserved it 3 594

By foreveralone - 01/12/2014 14:37 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 314

You deserved it 10 940

Best clapback

By wetbutt - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I yelled at my little brother for leaving the toilet seat up and told him he needed to go around the house and make sure they were all down. I went to the bathroom later to find that the toilet seats and covers from every toilet had all been removed and were sitting on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 124

You deserved it 69 025

By Widowmaker - 28/11/2012 18:09 - United States - Henderson

Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 696

You deserved it 48 728

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 21:01 - United States

Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 141

You deserved it 3 240

By lawman - 15/08/2013 13:34 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my dad, under threats of disowning me, insisted that I offer my sister a job in my company. I run my own law firm, she is a hairdresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 799

You deserved it 3 550

By D - 09/09/2011 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 292

You deserved it 4 850

By Anonymous - 02/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 071

You deserved it 4 221

By Emily J. - 18/06/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 481

You deserved it 38 687

Happy something

By Zebracat - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to wish my boyfriend a happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after I'd sent it, I realized that the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 476

You deserved it 56 933

By Anonymous - 06/08/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 683

You deserved it 3 495

By racchhh - 26/07/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 871

You deserved it 88 538

By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 235

You deserved it 41 645

By Hank - 14/05/2009 14:17 - Canada

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 806

You deserved it 3 087

By Az - 13/06/2012 00:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, I woke up to a guy outside my house, who wanted to give me flowers and take me out on a date. Aside from it all being pretty fucking creepy anyway, the guy is my not quite right in the head second cousin, who's apparently now head-over-heels in love with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 936

You deserved it 2 386

By KennyJF7 - 15/03/2014 02:43 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, while mowing, I found a baby bunny and took a picture of it. 20 minutes later, I accidentally ran over said bunny with the mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 573

You deserved it 22 662

KennyJF7 tells us more.

KennyJF7 14

Sunday 16 March 2014 3:57

I'm the OP, and the bunny was in a patch of grass oddly taller than the rest, and I didn't know it was there until I backed up because I thought I hit a tennis ball for my dog.

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Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was in an elevator with a coworker I barely know. My stomach thought that it was time to remind me I hadn’t eaten breakfast. It growled like a dying whale, and my coworker gave me a concerned look. To make it worse, the elevator got stuck for five minutes. We stood in awkward silence, with my stomach making noises the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 120

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 734

You deserved it 6 618

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 043

You deserved it 3 278

Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 765

You deserved it 2 735

Today, I called my mother to hear how my dog was doing, because she had been taking care of her while I was moving. My mom told me she had put her down a couple of days ago, cause she was sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 733

You deserved it 218

You can't stay mad at that face for too long!

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 146