Intimacy: Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to...

By Anonymous - 31/05/2011 11:21

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 786

You deserved it 69 888

Christmas: Snowy Joys and Blunders
Enjoy Christmas stories where unexpected gifts and family reunions create lasting memories... and fun! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By MyHeadHurts - 20/01/2012 10:42 - Ireland

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 221

You deserved it 39 634

Take it easy on yourself

By Anonymous - 25/04/2022 00:01

Today, I came back home from a holiday with family. Finally being on my own, I did some catching up on my masturbation. I have jerked off so much and/or so vigorously, I now have a carpet burn on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320

You deserved it 1 694

By Lonely - 02/01/2010 10:30 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 455

You deserved it 7 466

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 981

You deserved it 50 627

Rubbing it in

By Anonymous - 12/03/2022 22:00

Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593

You deserved it 1 345

Bang one out

By exhausted without relief - 08/02/2023 14:00

Today, I’ve been so stressed out lately about my health and mounting bills that my insomnia has returned with vengeance. I thought I’d masturbate to help get some relief, but turns out I’m too tired to even do the deed. Too exhausted to release, but my brain still won’t let me sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 097

You deserved it 178

Can't be bothered

By Anonymous - 06/07/2019 00:30

Today, I realised just how lazy I am when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 1 756

By Anonymous - 04/08/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 373

You deserved it 7 949

By RyanM - 13/02/2011 09:01 - Canada

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 993

You deserved it 64 734

Bad ********

By testacular - 25/03/2014 21:20 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 663

You deserved it 55 871

Tadeusz_fml 5

Tuesday 31 May 2011 15:48

Get a hobby. Get help. Go do it now. Also, how did you sunburn your area or the palm of your hands?

DalPozzo13 10

Tuesday 31 May 2011 15:49

Get a girlfriend, that will solve your problem

Comments

corrinaswan 0

Friday 3 June 2011 8:57

i know right hahahah

corrinaswan 0

Friday 3 June 2011 9:02

dude seriously first get a life and a girlfriend and is your hand sun burned or your penis because if it's your penis how'd you get sun burned there

musicloverwells 13

Friday 3 June 2011 16:59

you can wrote a book titled "what you shouldn't do before you **********

babiitigger09 0

Friday 3 June 2011 23:00

tlk tooo me;))

LA_ANGELS36 0

Saturday 4 June 2011 1:34

how did u sunburn ur dick?

lifesucksturtles 0

Saturday 4 June 2011 14:47

Its sad that I know who this is

profligatesoul 18

Sunday 5 June 2011 10:33

Well how 'bout doing what you normally do while you're waiting to reload? Just do that longer. It's not that hard. HA!

UnluckyDude96 8

Sunday 5 June 2011 18:28

please dont breed.

sdmarti 0

Monday 6 June 2011 8:52

doesnt sunburn suck??

novadebi 4

Monday 6 June 2011 22:53

Then get laid or something man

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, after I got the birth control implant, waited a week like my doctor told me, my fiancé is still too scared that I'll get pregnant. It's been two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 029

You deserved it 1 220

Today, I’m supervising an exam. I spot a girl going to the bathroom with a paper in her pocket. Stopping her just in time, I waved the paper about. It was a sanitary towel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 365

Today, out of a desire for revenge, I went over and confronted the girl my boyfriend cheated with. Somehow, we ended up in bed together. Worse, she's amazing. I'm now seriously considering asking if we can be a throuple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 153

You deserved it 746

Today, during school, I passed out in the lunch line and hit my head on the metal rail as I fell. Rather than helping or expressing concern at all, my friends simply left my unconscious body on the floor. Why? They had to get to the lasagna before the cafeteria ran out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 556

You deserved it 4 141

Today, I found out my platonic office wife and I are both in sexless relationships. The week just gets more and more repressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 331

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said, "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said, "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 253

You deserved it 7 514