Kids

Have a Kitkat

By Billy - 27/06/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, my wife came back from a three-day moms' retreat, and was mad I didn't immediately want to spend time with her. She called me 68 times (yes, I counted) while she was gone, so it was really like she never left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 111

What's going on?

By Damn - 26/06/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out my dad goes to therapy. Confused, I asked him what was going on. He said, "You" without any hesitation. I don't know if he's joking or not. If he is, I don't find that very funny. If he's not, I don't even know what I've done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 179

Step-father, right?

By Marytza - 25/06/2024 18:00 - United States

Today, it's my daughter’s 18th birthday. Today is also the day that my husband told me he’s leaving me for her, and he wants a divorce. When I threatened to press charges for potentially grooming her as a minor, he told me I don’t have a leg to stand on because, “She’s been at the age of consent anyway.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 869

You deserved it 183

Buckle up!

By Anonymous - 25/06/2024 16:00 - South Africa

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant with our third child. This wouldn't be a problem but we only want two kids and I had a vasectomy 6 weeks ago (they take 3 months to be effective). We weren't careful only one time, and since it was difficult to conceive the two we wanted, we didn't think it would be a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178

You deserved it 772

Tantrum

By Gloria - 25/06/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me for permission to go to her boyfriend’s studio apartment without any supervision to “watch a soccer game and eat pizza.” I said no because she thinks I was born yesterday. She proceeded to throw a tantrum and told me that she hopes my breast cancer kills me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 681

You deserved it 222

Priorities

By Anonymous - 21/06/2024 13:00 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, despite being an incredible single mother to my only child, and loving him more than anyone else could, my son still completely ignored me and my attempts to hug him at his gender reveal party with his wife. Apparently she deserved a hug more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 2 145

Waiting list blues

By Anonymous - 21/06/2024 15:00

Today, after two years of fighting, I finally got an appointment for my son to see an autism specialist. The appointment is in December 2026. He’ll be 11 and in high school by then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 455

You deserved it 103

Flustered

By Anonymous - 21/06/2024 14:00 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I went grocery shopping with my toddler. At the checkout, I realized that I forgot my wallet at home. As I frantically searched my purse, my toddler shouted, "Mommy, do we need this?" and held up a box of condoms she'd grabbed from a nearby shelf. Everyone stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 128

Bad parenting

By Anonymous - 19/06/2024 21:00

Today, we got back from our second honeymoon and went to pick the kids up from my mom's. Surprisingly, they were both sat quietly watching TV. Half jokingly, I asked my mom what her secret was. Without even a guilty pause she told me, "Benadryl for chesty coughs in their juice. You're welcome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 505

You deserved it 113

Showered

By stew - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it took me more than four hours to set up the back yard for my daughter's baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 547

You deserved it 3 985

Call CPS

By LaurenJ - 18/06/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I went to my 19 year-old daughter’s apartment when I heard her baby crying. I have a spare key so I opened the door to find her crying in her rocker. I called my daughter and it turns out she went on a weekend to Malibu with her friends and she “left her some milk and a bowl of Cheerios. She’ll be alright.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 164

FOMO

By Brian - 18/06/2024 05:00 - United States - Prospect

Today, it's Fathers Day. Both of my adult daughters called me… from their stepfather's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 170

Well played

By Shawnee Gonzales - 17/06/2024 18:00 - United States - Lansing

Today, my 6 year-old told me that he was stealing the fan I just bought. I told him he could have it for $25. He said, "What, you think I’m made of money?" My response was, "Well, you think I’m made of money." He replied, "Isn’t that what MOM stands for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 398

Hard veto on that one

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 209

You deserved it 1 758

Hell no

By Notyourstepmom - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 112

You deserved it 4 571

Language!

By angkal2002 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my five year-old sister won't stop saying, "Shit buckle fuckle ton." My boyfriend's excuse was that he was teaching her how to rhyme. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 585

You deserved it 3 447

Red scare

By Disowning him - 11/06/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, I was meeting with my landlord to discuss buying the house I currently rent. It was going great, and he was going to give us an amazing deal. Until my idiot "socialist" teenage son barged in and attacked him, calling him a "bourgeoisie landowner." Now we're practically homeless and facing charges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 176

Red pill dingus

By Anonymous - 10/06/2024 21:00

Today, my son is refusing to find a girlfriend because, as he puts it, “Them woke bitches just want my money.” He lives alone, has a good job and lots of friends, but he never asks anyone out, and when women ask him out, he practically hisses at them like a feral cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 602

Let sleeping dudes lie

By Anonymous - 10/06/2024 11:00

Today, there was a homeless guy asleep on a bench. I had to step around some kids and my bag hit the homeless guy. Now I can only assume he was a homeless veteran, because the speed with which he woke up, screamed “enemy contact”, and practically broke my knee, tells me he had years of training. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 132

Fashionable

By arose - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer, so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own now has stripes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 697

You deserved it 3 382

Genius

By Anonymous - 09/06/2024 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised I’d raised an idiot when my daughter confidently told me she discovered an infinite money glitch by just using one of her credit cards to pay off her other credit card, then swapping them over every month. This is why she’s 28 and still living in her childhood bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 207

Settler

By d j mom - 09/06/2024 05:00 - United States - Glenview

Today, my guy's heroin-addict daughter dropped her 15 year-old son off at our house for a month. She was supposed to feed him and help get this "just outta juvie" gangsta wannabe get back on the right track. They finally got kicked out 5 days ago. Guess which idiot let them back in today… FML

I agree, your life sucks 387

You deserved it 141

Family delusion

By Anonymous - 07/06/2024 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my delusional parents are harassing me to donate my house to my little sister, because she's now a single mother at 17, and needs a house for the baby, but sure, I should reward her by giving her my stuff that I worked hard for, just because she can’t keep her knees together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 118

Family vacation!

By Ungrateful brat - 06/06/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, at the beach, my son was screaming and crying because the sand was burning his feet. I told him to put on his sandals. He got mad and threw them in the ocean, then started crying harder when he realized they were gone. He's now hiding under the bed in the condo and is refusing to come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 215

Elaborate backstory

By lordoftheweird - 05/06/2024 15:00 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I found out both my parents are career criminals. My dad expects me to join the "family business" and my mom has decided that they'll "never get her alive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 536

You deserved it 101

Avoidance technique

By M…… - 05/06/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, two days before our vacation, I caught my wife coaching our six year-old son how to fake nightmares, so he could sleep in our bed every night. I now understand why we never have sex on vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 136

Let him have his innocence

By sydcaller618 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Richmond

Today, my six-year-old son told me how it was funny that there's "a food chicken and an animal chicken". That's going to be a fun one to explain to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 378

You deserved it 2 660

Walking red flag

By Anonymous - 04/06/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my creepy-ass stalker ex-boyfriend has been telling everyone that my two year-old daughter is his. Not only have we been broken up for more than 8 years. I haven’t spoken to him since, and I have no idea why he’s doing this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 89

Skeptic

By Anonymous - 02/06/2024 08:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my son told me not to be silly, because things like the Tooth Fairy and Santa don’t exist. He’s three years old. I guess we’ll just skip all the magical moments of his childhood I was looking forward to, and start the process of turning him into a soulless adult who doesn’t know how to have fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 260

Major FOMO

By Anonymous - 01/06/2024 00:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I found out yet another friend is engaged, and a few more are having babies. I'm still young and have time, and I have a wonderful kiddo and boyfriend, but I also feel left out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 661

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The Top

Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 144

You deserved it 12 305

Today, I ran across the street due to a line of cars waiting for me to cross. Just as I reached the other side, my iPhone slipped out of my hand and fell into the road, just in time to get run over by multiple cars, one after the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 107

You deserved it 7 368

Today, my sister and I decided to do one of those online DNA tests just for fun. Our mom came in, saw all the stuff on the table, and lost her mind. She started bawling and apologizing. Apparently, neither one or neither of us actually belong to my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 125

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 864

You deserved it 3 900

Today, I was all set to attend my first renaissance faire ever. I took forever customizing the perfect costume and I couldn’t wait. My boyfriend on the other hand was pissed that it was too revealing, so he left me standing at the front gate, refused to give me my ticket, and went in without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 545

You deserved it 102

Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 746

You deserved it 5 957