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Weird assumption

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 14:29 - United Kingdom - Hassocks

Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye seven years of friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 555

You deserved it 1 817

By malaak2 - 03/07/2014 21:28 - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, being the class nerd hasn't stopped me from being naive: none of my so-called friends has talked to me since the last day of exams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 365

You deserved it 4 309

malaak2 tells us more.

malaak2 16

Friday 4 July 2014 23:27

This wasn't the first time something like this happens and it never hurt me until now because we graduated. I just felt bad cause I won't be friends with anyone from school anymore, and maybe that I won't have a chance to get my revenge.

By Joplin - 13/09/2010 19:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 993

You deserved it 6 239

By gamerguru13 - 21/04/2013 12:26 - United States - New York

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 977

You deserved it 4 265

By toilet_trouble - 19/04/2014 07:44 - United States

Today, after living in my apartment for nearly a year, I heard my neighbor having a violent toilet session. Now I realize he's always been able to hear the wrath of my bowels too. We wave at each other every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 368

You deserved it 4 646

toilet_trouble tells us more.

toilet_trouble 5

Monday 21 April 2014 9:49

Hi. Some of your comments really made me laugh! So, it surprised me I heard him because I've never heard anything other than a vacuum or water in the pipes. This just made me aware he can probably hear a lot more than I previously thought.. Luckily I don't have loud bathroom trips often. I definitely regretted the super loud fart I ripped about 5 minutes prior to hearing him though. :p Anyway, neighbor acts cool so all is well!

By laurwitharawr - 06/10/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 454

You deserved it 4 442

Love your art

By BigBlue - 19/03/2014 23:19 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 338

You deserved it 5 670

Cassius

By Noname - 11/03/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my father over top of me saying, "Nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burglar and he knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 477

You deserved it 9 481

Spooked

By awkwardpartybear - 04/01/2014 23:43 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to a figure holding a knife above me. After I screamed in terror, the figure burst into laughter. It was my mom. She did this as payback for me not washing the dishes last night after making food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 875

You deserved it 17 644

By anonymus - 18/08/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 897

You deserved it 10 318

By Eggs6131 - 15/10/2013 13:09 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I found out that my brother is adamant that if he records silence, then listens to said silence at full volume, it'll improve the headphones' noise-blocking abilities. I live with a complete idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 367

You deserved it 3 329

Eggs6131 tells us more.

Eggs6131 14

Wednesday 20 November 2013 13:39

For all the people who don't get it, my brother recorded about a minute's worth of silence on his little MP3 player, so he could listen to said recording at full volume. He thought if he listened to this recording of nothingness on a loop at full volume, it would make his earphones act like earplugs, cancelling out any noise made. #8, still laughing at that "I'm sorry? I can't hear you for all this silence blasting in my ears". #22, he's fifteen :

Thanksgiving is such a special time of year

By emilyta - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband threw up in the shower after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. The shower won't drain now. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 276

You deserved it 2 989

emilyta_fml tells us more.

emilyta_fml 0

Thursday 29 December 2011 7:49

I don't drink much and he wanted to have drunk sex. Lol fail on him.

By newly passed, newly grassed - 06/12/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 139

You deserved it 8 408

By SerendipityRose - 13/09/2012 17:03 - United States - San Jose

Today, I invited my boyfriend to his first dinner out with my family. As my older brother was discussing the injuries he'd received while working as a tow truck driver, my innocent 10 year old brother piped up saying he should see what I did to my boyfriend's back with my nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 256

You deserved it 5 411

SerendipityRose tells us more.

SerendipityRose 26

Friday 14 September 2012 5:50

He didn't actually show him specifically, TJ had his shirt off at the house & my little brother saw his back... He asked what happened & said that TJ got his butt kicked by a girl. It was a harmless joke & look where it got us. So mortifying...

By SakuraBreeze - 26/09/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 721

You deserved it 2 638

By usmcgirl - 18/11/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 691

You deserved it 2 232

By fuckmyliiiiiiife - 01/05/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 437

You deserved it 25 978

Charity

By fail - 26/04/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I worked a carwash as a fundraiser. Being nice, I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 767

You deserved it 11 470

By ShowerGirl - 30/04/2013 07:54 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 678

You deserved it 5 709

By AndieApocalypse - 03/06/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 018

You deserved it 6 383

Rain check?

By Egtat216 - 29/07/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 426

You deserved it 1 479

By Anonymous - 20/09/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I was watching The Omen with my father. A little bit into the movie, my dad turned to me and said, "Wow, you really looked like that Damien kid when you were little." Apparently I strangely look like the Antichrist, and I'm a teenage girl. Thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 558

You deserved it 4 755

By Anonymous - 08/02/2013 21:20 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I was taking a stroll in our yard, when my mother decided it would be hilarious to run me down with her Segway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 205

You deserved it 3 692

By i2xl - 24/02/2012 15:28 - Canada

Today, my landlady roasted a joint of beef and the whole house smelled wonderful. OK, even if I am a masochistic vegetarian and former omnivore, that was way beyond cruel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 692

You deserved it 33 955

By FMLPLZ - 03/01/2014 02:52 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 773

You deserved it 9 211

By unwantedlove - 25/02/2011 18:36 - France

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 178

You deserved it 6 928

Ecological hazard

By waterballoons - 27/07/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 323

You deserved it 4 048

By depressed - 03/09/2013 21:43 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 286

You deserved it 3 095

Tony Soprano?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - York

Today, I asked my best friend if he would do me the honour of becoming my son's godfather. He replied, "Um, that's just rude. You know I'm an atheist." Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 690

You deserved it 8 737

Profit!

By rewarded - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - India

Today, for the second time in 5 months, I was recognized for my hard work, sincerity, and all the adjectives that they use to describe good employees. What was my reward? A piece of chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 114

You deserved it 4 730

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 924

You deserved it 1 922

Today, I had managed to avoid any mention of who won Big Brother because I couldn't watch it live, and I had planned to watch it on replay tonight. All was going to plan until my arsehole brother sent me a text that simply said, "Spoiler alert: Ali won." FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 209

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 008

You deserved it 228

Today, I was chatting with my boyfriend and his mates barefoot on the grass. I suddenly felt something flick across my feet, so I let out a startled scream. Turns out it was my toe hairs rustling in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 982

You deserved it 27 557

Today, I pretended to be sick at the office and went home early because I wanted to attend a party. On the way to the said party, my car caught fire on the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 2 227

Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 193

You deserved it 2 786