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OP here. Thankfully, he understood that both were accidents. I apologized for both and he wasn't mad. He does however enjoy making me feel a little guilty with some good natured teasing about it.

By deargodthepain - 02/02/2014 16:53 - United States

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 305

You deserved it 8 879

By ouch - 25/02/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 885

You deserved it 39 683

By thenotsomanlyman - 07/03/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high-pitched voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 698

You deserved it 41 705

Get them away from me

By Anonymous - 08/02/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 010

You deserved it 3 756

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 16:17 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 406

You deserved it 3 367

By parisklutz - 20/10/2012 07:06 - France - Dounoux

Today, it was my first day in Paris. I've been saving up for five years. It was a rainy day, but I was determined to go see the Eiffel Tower. On my way, I fell down a slippery set of stairs and knocked both of my front teeth out. Now, I have the view of the Eiffel Tower from my hospital window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 519

You deserved it 3 288

By Craigslist is Evil. - 24/09/2013 18:12 - United States - Dickson

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 344

You deserved it 5 485

By mapleleafs34 - 17/01/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 297

You deserved it 7 334

By ...loud noises...urgh... - 02/11/2011 16:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I have my first university lecture on lab safety. Having gone out the night before with my house-mates, I have the worst hangover of my life, and have to listen for an hour and a half while they loudly demonstrate the types of alarms we'll hear in different kinds of emergencies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 219

You deserved it 51 361

By Juicy12Jham - 09/09/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of two hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 125

You deserved it 4 463

Wakey wakey

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 247

You deserved it 25 266

By Lady Vulva - 19/09/2015 02:56

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 048

You deserved it 3 088

By the lannisters send their retards - 17/06/2014 20:30 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my coworker was telling me about his mom, when he asked about mine. I told him that I've never met my mom, because she died during my childbirth. It's a very painful subject for me, but all the same, my coworkers have decided they'll now only address me as "Tyrion". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 357

You deserved it 4 564

By darquedraconian - 12/05/2014 02:27 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my son gave me some flowers for Mother's Day. Unfortunately, the only time I can enjoy them is when I go into the bathroom where they are kept so the cat doesn't eat them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 941

You deserved it 6 331

By Anonymous - 03/03/2013 05:15 - United States - Hayward

Today, due to plumbing issues, I had to choose between a goosebump-inducing cold or skin-blistering hot shower. This is the 7th day in a row. My husband says it shouldn't be more than another week before he "gets it figured out". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 611

You deserved it 3 170

By conley19 - 15/09/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 280

You deserved it 4 813

By wtfiswrongwithher - 07/05/2011 13:56 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 769

You deserved it 7 530

Traumatized

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 699

You deserved it 5 908

By no - 25/06/2016 02:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 638

You deserved it 1 368

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Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 196

You deserved it 2 949

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 527

You deserved it 1 600

Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 663

You deserved it 5 689

Today, I found out that the coworker I’d been crushing on told me he was gay so I wouldn’t hit on him anymore. Turns out he did that so he could focus on wooing a female coworker of mine. They’re now dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 691

You deserved it 732

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 260

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 148

You deserved it 97 206