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SHAME! SHAME!

By Anonymous - 02/08/2013 21:34 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 051

You deserved it 5 411

By Anonymous - 23/08/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I had a mild allergic reaction from eating pasta salad. I told my mom that I might be allergic to the parsley, since it was the only ingredient that I don't eat often. She made me eat a sprig of it to "make sure." Now my face is covered in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 746

You deserved it 4 570

By Anonymous - 14/08/2014 19:50 - United States - Powell

Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 902

You deserved it 9 172

By Dan - 09/11/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 809

You deserved it 49 265

By Noname - 17/03/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 223 139

You deserved it 19 037

By Username - 19/05/2011 22:46 - United States

Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 207

You deserved it 7 955

By Nate - 06/03/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 567

You deserved it 52 671

By Lucy - 06/03/2010 22:44 - United States

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 015

You deserved it 2 600

Rowdy

By FMyEx - 06/12/2012 11:50 - United States - Southington

Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 625

You deserved it 4 891

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I came home to my family remodeling our (extremely) out of date bathroom. I was SUPER excited to help them get it done. I walked down the hallway and opened my bedroom door to find a huge, gaping hole in my wall and my room covered in dust. I had to sweep every surface in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 380

You deserved it 3 268

By Anonymous - 19/06/2012 03:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 459

You deserved it 4 640

By scared-straight - 27/05/2013 04:05 - United States

Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 718

You deserved it 4 397

Donut laugh at me

By sdeeter - 29/04/2013 13:39 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 931

You deserved it 9 151

By wow. - 05/05/2014 03:18 - United States - Chicago

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 649

You deserved it 8 164

By Anonymous - 31/03/2012 07:03 - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to see my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he wouldn't have to drive me there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 821

You deserved it 2 326

By katams - 26/02/2012 12:28 - United States

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 801

You deserved it 5 307

Descriptive

By Teaching26 - 15/05/2010 07:47 - United States

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 215

You deserved it 17 566

By Stella Grubner - 16/03/2010 06:42

Today, I chose a cute tank top and some shorts to wear. Later, I was shopping at Target with my dad when he pointed to a girl in the same isle and said to me, "Don't ever dress like that. It looks cute on her, but you couldn't pull it off." She was wearing shorts and a tank top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 184

You deserved it 4 661

My body hates me

By Pain_intolerant - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 006

You deserved it 5 114

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 17:48 - United States - Portland

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 519

You deserved it 3 289

By haleyfml - 27/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 675

You deserved it 5 554

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 10:57 - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 195

You deserved it 27 975

Deez nutz

By balls - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Santa Clara

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 633

You deserved it 30 983

Tainted Love

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I told the girl I've been seeing for a while about the strong feelings that I have for her and that I was falling in love. She told me my words made her realize what it felt like to be in love. My words were so powerful, in fact, that she ran right back into the arms of her ex boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 566

You deserved it 3 729

Missed cues

By Kylene - 23/04/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me… so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 785

You deserved it 52 887

Rush job

By ananomoose - 15/04/2009 23:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said, "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 706

You deserved it 94 099

By jonas_93 - 05/04/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I went to a club with a couple of my friends. I met a really cute guy and we were getting along pretty well. We eventually exchanged numbers. Later on I decided to call him and set up a date. The number he gave me was the Rejection Hotline number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 069

You deserved it 9 195

Don't listen to Cosmo

By FMBs - 30/04/2014 23:40 - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 777

You deserved it 7 207

By meltingturtle - 02/08/2016 03:25

Today, I was talking with my girlfriend. We both have family issues, so we'd agreed to open up to each other today. Turns out I'm dating my cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 193

You deserved it 1 879

meltingturtle tells us more.

meltingturtle 24

Tuesday 2 August 2016 17:42

OP here. Here's your follow up. My mom and her brother had a rocky relationship. She moved to the west coast some twenty years ago, and never talks about my uncle. I know of him, but never met him due to problems between them. I moved out of state for college, and met my girlfriend there. I'd only been told I had a cousin once, pretty much in passing. My gf and I were both talking, and she mentioned how her dad, named David, was bipolar and had several issues. I asked if she had any aunts or anything cause that sounded a hell of a lot like my estranged uncle my mom hardly talks about. She was all, 'yeah, but my dad never talks about her. Her name is Emily or something I think?' And I was like 'o shit that's my mom'. It was super awkward. I'd known my uncle had a daughter, and she knew her aunt had two. Thing is, I'm a trans boy who goes by a completely name, so we never really figured it out until now. Hope it makes more sense to y'all now.

By pooh anne - 26/02/2013 20:26 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I was trying to be sexy and change in front of my boyfriend. As I was changing, he started to talk to me about how we should both try and lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 108

You deserved it 7 987

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The Top

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Today, and for the past year, I've been struggling with depression because of family life. I've been talking to my mom for the past weeks, telling her things that happen when she isn't home as a way to build trust. I finally told her I have depression and have had had it for a long time. She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 75

Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 245

You deserved it 6 095

Today, I received a bill for damage to my old apartment. The same damage caused by the maintenance guy when he came to fix the pipes about a week before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 696

You deserved it 2 769

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to guys hitting on me are the ones who ask to be my friend on Call of Duty because I have the word "girl" in my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 394

You deserved it 6 945

Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 958

You deserved it 69 376

Today, whilst showing my kids how to replace a light bulb safely, I gave myself and electric shock, and dropped the bulb. Twice in a row. In hindsight I should have let my husband do all the DIY-based educating, since I now have a glass shard in my big toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 625