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By garfield749 - 29/12/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 144

You deserved it 2 262

By solomantis - 30/07/2009 05:46 - Norway

Spicy

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 938

You deserved it 50 409

Meh

By Meh - 18/07/2009 15:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to surprise my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex Tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was naked and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 196

You deserved it 8 564

By RaYan - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 463

You deserved it 75 166

Moobs

By Anonymous - 30/06/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 016

You deserved it 54 730

By Anonymous - 03/01/2016 14:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 179

You deserved it 1 945

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 04:41 - United States

Today, I received my acceptance letter to one of the most prestigious universities in the US, as well as a nice scholarship. I was so proud of myself, I eagerly showed my dad, hoping he would shed a tear or two. His only words were, "Just get a job so you can get the hell out of my house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 741

You deserved it 3 806

By Kaei - 21/08/2015 20:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a box full of crickets in my room. I sealed it up with tape and went to take a shower. When I returned, I found that the box had popped open, releasing almost all of the crickets. I can still hear the chirping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 056

You deserved it 8 040

Kaei tells us more.

Kaei 21

Saturday 22 August 2015 16:53

thank you omg someone who puts 1 and 2 together

By misunderstood - 05/09/2010 10:56 - Australia

Spicy

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 684

You deserved it 6 389

By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - 17/08/2015 20:14 - Canada

Spicy

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 742

You deserved it 3 478

FML: Uncensored

By Cliché... or Touché? - 03/08/2017 02:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 901

You deserved it 62 167

By Anonymous - 23/06/2015 18:05 - United States - Mankato

Spicy

Today, as my mom was getting ready for a date, I told her that I think it's too early for her to date, since she divorced my dad only a week ago. She then said, "Don't worry, I'm only in it for sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 163

You deserved it 4 526

By Anonymous - 02/05/2010 07:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both Myspace and Facebook before saying to me that he was, "too busy to have sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 917

You deserved it 5 698

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 22:43 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 374

You deserved it 5 495

Stuck in neutral

By Anonymous - 08/07/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 961

You deserved it 3 627

By ijustwantpizza - 07/01/2015 12:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was having a cheat meal after two weeks of strict dieting. When I opened the pizza box, I saw a cockroach. It had been baked into the cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 657

You deserved it 7 578

By babysitter - 17/04/2009 04:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 614

You deserved it 3 815

By Jenna - 30/06/2011 00:04 - United States

Today, I was making pudding and accidentally spilt some on the floor. I had no idea until I slipped in it, throwing the bowl of pudding on my head. My mom promised to take me to the hospital as soon as she got a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 996

You deserved it 5 623

By dumpedandstranded - 15/10/2009 20:19

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 880

You deserved it 5 226

By Shleebs - 19/03/2012 19:20 - United States - Hamilton

Today, I asked my mom if she could buy me some anti-nausea medicine. She said, "You just have a stomach ache. It's not like you're throwing up." As she said it, I threw up everything but my childhood memories. She still wouldn't get any medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 619

You deserved it 2 330

Shleebs tells us more.

Shleebs 12

Tuesday 20 March 2012 1:03

I actually threw up in her room and in her bathroom. She had to clean it up. I think justice was served.

Baked

By Monty - 01/03/2009 08:45 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies. When I took the tray out of the oven, I closed the door, but it bounced back open and hit me in the back of the knees. That caused me to sit down on the hot oven door. I was only wearing my short bathrobe and no underwear. I really burned my ass and, um… stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 539

You deserved it 15 625

By caseyl - 15/04/2015 13:42 - Finland - Espoo

Today, my dad tricked the local biker gang into believing he's actually part of the Russian mob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 023

You deserved it 3 211

caseyl tells us more.

caseyl 18

Wednesday 15 April 2015 18:58

Op here. My dad has a car repair shop and the biker gang rented the property next door. So he decided the smartest move would be to intimidate them to make sure they won't cause trouble. Which, I'm pretty sure, is going to cause a shitload of trouble...

By SomeDJ - 12/08/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 113

You deserved it 46 915

By Traumatized - 05/03/2011 19:57 - Israel

Spicy

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 192

You deserved it 6 096

By hickey - 05/02/2010 10:35 - United States

Today, I made out with my friend for the first time. He gave me a hickey that can't be hidden. I'm the president of my church youth group and I have to help give a seminar on keeping your body like a holy temple... Tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 954

You deserved it 62 421

By Are you f*cking kidding me - 12/06/2013 06:10 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 850

You deserved it 4 567

By fatty magoo - 29/07/2014 18:20 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 319

You deserved it 15 990

I'll take it

By Not That Old - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 476

You deserved it 6 902

By man - 30/10/2009 16:34 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 138

You deserved it 23 571

By Anonymous - 14/04/2013 01:14 - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 019

You deserved it 8 339

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Today, I had to find a babysitter while I attended a mandatory work function. We were told to bring lunch and wear clothes we didn't mind getting dirty for a day of team building exercises. I guess that's what the boss calls painting the office. We don't get paid for it, and the boss is on vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 456

You deserved it 140

Today, my dad made the New Year’s resolution that he’d try to get on better with my boyfriend. We’re less than 24 hours into the 1st of January and he’s already chased him around the garden trying to brain him with a meat tenderiser. Business as usual then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 503

You deserved it 166

Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 690

You deserved it 1 007

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 999

You deserved it 6 424

Today, we buried my mom. I walked past my sister's husband just in time to hear him mutter: "Hope the fire's nice and hot down there, you old hag." I told my sister. She wouldn't believe me and accused me of trying to start drama. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 293

You deserved it 2 706

Today, I had to fix signs to a pond in the public park, stating that the water is not fit for drinking. Yes, this is after someone drank the water, became very sick, and successfully sued us for not having a sign up telling him the pond of mucky brown water with fish in isn’t fresh drinking water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 103