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Smooth criminal

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 01:55 - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when a little old lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 687

You deserved it 2 589

By gorey - 19/08/2010 01:26 - Canada

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 042

You deserved it 2 883

By fatty - 23/09/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 429

You deserved it 15 700

You absolute melt

By errints234234 - 13/05/2010 23:31 - United States

Today, I was reading a magazine while straightening my hair. I got really into this one article until suddenly a huge clump of hair fell on it. I looked up and realized I had burned through the layer of hair I was straightening, leaving me with one layer at ear length and the rest at bra length. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 715

You deserved it 47 496

Até a próxima

By Anonymous - 20/04/2011 03:05 - United States

Today, I picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in Portuguese. It turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well. Every time I hung up, he called back. Telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 537

You deserved it 10 467

By d - 26/03/2010 07:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 121

You deserved it 9 556

By anonymous - 03/01/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 902

You deserved it 5 070

By me - 11/11/2010 18:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I were racing on our bicycles when my chain snapped. I went over the handlebars and slid, on my back, for about ten feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 294

You deserved it 4 905

No time like the present

By jadehin - 08/11/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 466

You deserved it 4 406

What the…?

By ohbiebjetaime - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - France

Today, a guy asked for my number at a party. As I was entering my number into his phone, my name and a picture of me popped up. I'm afraid I just met my stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 373

You deserved it 3 364

By PoorGal - 19/10/2015 18:04 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my financial situation is so dire that I tried to steal toilet paper from work. I got caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 063

You deserved it 5 809

By Mitcha857 - 30/07/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 799

You deserved it 3 880

By coolcucumber - 10/09/2010 20:40 - United States

Today, my dad squirted water at me. Fortunately, I blocked it. Unfortunately, I blocked it with my new $200 camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 117

You deserved it 24 437

By Anonymous - 13/04/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 814

You deserved it 4 281

By Cossack_Man - 25/08/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 877

You deserved it 11 725

By theshameofit - 01/02/2011 17:42 - Cyprus

Spicy

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 824

You deserved it 42 330

Spicy shit

By DMStarsky - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 907

You deserved it 4 828

What am I doing?

By forever young - 05/07/2013 15:16 - United States

Today, I Googled "How to act like an adult." I'm 37. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 426

You deserved it 52 845

By Silver_Jet - 30/08/2015 14:09 - Canada - Beamsville

Today, I realized I could make more money being on welfare than I can at my current job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 544

You deserved it 2 280

Silver_Jet tells us more.

Silver_Jet 10

Monday 31 August 2015 13:35

Op here didn't login to post because I didn't think it would get published. I want to clarify a few things. #1 I'm not on welfare. #2 I work part time but my employer doesn't want me to get another job. #3 I work overnight shifts for below minimum wage. #4 I needed a college diploma to get this job.

By booboo300 - 03/04/2014 22:16 - Canada - Kanata

Today, it's the last day of my sign language class. At the end of the class, my teacher surprised us by speaking for the first time, also surprising everyone that she wasn't actually deaf. It wouldn't have been so bad had I not just given someone an answer to the test, thinking she couldn't hear me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 983

You deserved it 52 461

booboo300 tells us more.

booboo300 15

Friday 4 April 2014 20:40

Definitely not going to defend myself, it was a dumb thing to do. Although, I did whisper, not shout, an answer just to get my friend on the right track. I totally respect my teacher and it was the kind of whisper that probably would have been tried in any class with a hearing teacher as well. She was a great teacher and I think I learned better that way. There is a mix of deaf and hearing asl teachers at my school, though. It was amazing though, because she didn't respond to phones going off, people sneezing, people walking in late (until she saw them) and even the people bashing asl and deaf people in the hall one day.

By Anon O'Mous - 02/01/2012 15:38 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 603

You deserved it 5 703

By wilsmith - 01/02/2010 12:36 - China

Today, while in the elevator with the girl from my office that I've been crushing on, but never spoken to, I said "aren't elevators awkward?" After a long silence, she got off three floors before our office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 588

You deserved it 26 648

By Kerry - 19/06/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 133

You deserved it 2 622

By dmanrique - 04/10/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn't on drugs, he's just really stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 477

You deserved it 3 226

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 475

You deserved it 4 931

Slapstick manners

By jake - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 623

You deserved it 6 412

Catty

By Tay Tay - 19/11/2010 13:55

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on Facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "No one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 459

You deserved it 9 753

By rplovez - 05/09/2011 23:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 329

You deserved it 4 029

By yeahno - 31/10/2010 16:10 - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 846

You deserved it 3 018

By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 04:37 - United States

Today, I had two 100's and two singles in my wallet. The two 100's was for my electric bill and the two singles were for the bus. Once I got off the bus and to the electric company, I noticed only my singles were there. Turns out I paid the bus driver $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 097

You deserved it 40 502

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The Top

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 642

You deserved it 4 933

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 189

You deserved it 3 852

Today, I finally got the courage to make a move on the guy I've been crushing on. I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me. He answered, "Sorry, I've already seen it." I didn't even mention any particular movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 886

You deserved it 4 331

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 065

You deserved it 245 597

Today, a customer complimented me on how good I looked for my age. She thought I was in my forties. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 361

You deserved it 4 132

Today, due to summer Ramadan, we have 16 hour long fasts. Normally this is okay, except today I managed to sleep through both suhoor and iftaar. I haven't eaten for 36 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 464

You deserved it 3 799