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By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I took the bus home. A bum sat next to me. Reeking with alcohol and sweat, he pulls out a pair of nail clippers and clips his grimy finger nails. With every clip, the nails would fly up and hit me. As I was about to ask him to stop, a nail flies into my mouth. I swallowed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134 830

You deserved it 13 392

itspretzelday tells us more.

itspretzelday 0

Thursday 16 April 2009 4:56

I am the author of this post, and no, I could not move to a different seat. The bus was packed like a can of sardines. My seat was actually the only seat open. Lol. I wanted to be nice, so I let him sit next to me. When he was clipping his nails, yes, they were flying EVERYWHERE. I didn't mean to swallow the nail, by the way. It was accidental. Completely. Lol. I can only fit so much in that little submit box. I couldn't explain the entire story. :) Now you all know. Trust me, if I had the opportunity to move, I would've. . . .

By joy - 07/02/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 459

You deserved it 5 036

By teapotrevolt - 02/03/2015 20:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 496

You deserved it 54 275

Shame!

By milly - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Norway

Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 783

You deserved it 6 761

By annoyed - 14/12/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 189

You deserved it 5 492

Cockblocked

By sad gf - 14/11/2010 20:29

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as we were ready, his mom called to wish us a happy anniversary. She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us again and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 917

You deserved it 5 871

Wish you were here

By sicksicksick - 01/06/2012 08:41 - Senegal

Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 261

You deserved it 6 929

By Anonymous - 27/05/2012 07:42 - United States - Fresno

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 871

You deserved it 3 051

By WasNotAdopted - 28/04/2015 13:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 167

You deserved it 3 020

Out of place

By wowthanks - 11/01/2013 19:37 - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, I was asked out by a friend of mine. He's a doctor and works at a prestigious hospital, so thinking we would eat somewhere special, I got all dressed up. We ended up eating at his hospital's cafeteria, because he gets a small employee discount. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 918

You deserved it 8 000

By in_side_out - 14/01/2010 11:26 - Australia

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 560

You deserved it 2 891

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 19:51 - South Africa

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 831

You deserved it 3 110

By Anonymous - 22/06/2014 05:27 - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 302

You deserved it 5 065

By CatLady - 24/08/2009 13:38 - Canada

Today, my cat head-butted me awake as usual. I reached to pet him, but it wasn't his face I touched. It was the still-twitching corpse of the disemboweled rat he held in his jaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 562

You deserved it 4 166

By justin - 13/12/2013 03:08 - United States - Waco

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 826

You deserved it 3 416

Afterthought

By too slow - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said, "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 629

You deserved it 9 915

By guard35 - 12/08/2009 17:02 - Canada

Today, while teaching swim lessons, a boy was holding a noodle and claimed it was his fishing rod. Trying to be fun, I grabbed on and told him to "reel" me in. He then yells out 'YAY, I caught a whale!'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 164

You deserved it 12 402

guard35 tells us more.

guard35 0

Thursday 13 August 2009 3:25

omg,everybody needs to calm down. im not fat. and im not looking for sympathy. i just thought it was funny that the kid said that. i dont think that "my life is over", i thought it was hilarious and laughed forever and told pretty much anyone who wanted to listen. i probably have higher self esteem that most of you on this site anyways. go find something better to do with your life than waste it on the computer ranting about stupid things. k thanks bye

By bored - 27/11/2012 18:05 - United States

Today, I've now worked on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, the weekend after that, and two days this week. My husband and son have had all that time off, and yet I've still ended up having to clean the dishes and the house after them on all of these days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 402

You deserved it 5 688

By ruthlessrobin - 25/02/2015 06:31 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I was given my yearly evaluation as a cake decorator at Walmart. They said I "was easily the best decorator there" and "the bakery has definitely improved since I got there." In the same conversation they put "unsatisfactory" on my evaluation and denied my raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 321

You deserved it 2 470

ruthlessrobin tells us more.

ruthlessrobin 9

Wednesday 25 February 2015 19:05

I went to the store manager who said "what do you expect? You don't make 22 cakes a day." That level is for mass production I am put on specialty orders 90% of the time. He didn't care