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OP here, first off I am not overweight, just gained about ten pounds shortly out of nowhere. Thank you to all of those who did have health concerns I am looking into all that.

By Rajin - 23/03/2009 20:38 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125 859

You deserved it 16 869

Do that again

By lotrgeek - 13/02/2012 13:37 - Canada

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 692

You deserved it 7 155

By whoanoa - 10/03/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, I discovered that my mother uses my eyebrow tweezers to pull ticks off the dog. She also hasn't figured out that just dipping the tweezers in alcohol doesn't automatically sterilize them. Especially if there is icky dog hair still stuck on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 455

You deserved it 3 221

By chevysprint - 28/02/2010 05:36 - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 423

You deserved it 33 402

Panic!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Marsing

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 793

You deserved it 12 443

By NO NO NO - 05/08/2013 21:42 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 561

You deserved it 5 360

By scoobysnarks - 24/09/2015 11:49 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my married life pretty much consists of punching myself in the penis until my libido goes down, since my wife has physical ailments that prevent her from even wanting to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 062

You deserved it 3 304

scoobysnarks tells us more.

scoobysnarks 15

Friday 25 September 2015 5:43

OP here. Look, there are LOTS of choices I *could* make, many of which have been offered here. There's nothing inherently wrong in a lot of the suggestions - they're just not suggestions I'm interested in following, honestly. I love my wife. I don't love anyone else; finding another outlet or a replacement for my beloved just isn't something I'm interested in. It's not that she's unsympathetic, necessarily, as much as it's just not something she can do or address; she has her own issues, and they're a big deal to both of us. I can't talk to her about it, because of her issues - it's just too much pressure on her, and I'm not willing to put that on her. I'd far rather bear the burden of my own problems than put them on her. Thanks for the empathy and comments.

By hopelessteej - 28/01/2013 13:55 - Australia - Sydney

Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 153

You deserved it 4 099

By RaccoonFever - 10/01/2014 11:15 - United States - La Jolla

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 340

You deserved it 5 791

By Grandson - 01/01/2012 13:51 - Australia

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 900

You deserved it 2 751

By Anonymous - 23/02/2015 07:45 - United States - Hatfield

Today, away at college, I called my grandmother to hear how she was doing after her knee surgery. She ended up talking about Hooters and how I should work there because of my "rare body". When I mentioned I've been studying computer science, earning a 3.8 GPA, she replied, "But you're a girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 477

You deserved it 3 387

By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 13:16 - United States

Today, I spent two hours driving all over town looking for a store that sold pumpkins. When I finally found some, I was charged ten dollars per pumpkin. Later, I went to my town's annual Halloween festival and discovered they were giving pumpkins away for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 105

You deserved it 9 160

By Joey - 24/07/2012 05:04 - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 778

You deserved it 8 363

By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - 13/06/2015 16:34 - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 164

You deserved it 2 412

By shanannygians07 - 26/01/2014 06:46 - United States - Rialto

Today, after working 12 hours, my scooter broke down 2 miles from home. I had to walk myself and my scooter home all uphill. My boyfriend and his friends drove by, honked and kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 750

You deserved it 5 726

shanannygians07 tells us more.

shanannygians07 28

Monday 27 January 2014 10:38

For those of you who said ydi, shit I guess I did! I do have a car but I prefer to spend 3 dollars in gas a month rather that 150!! I work at a restaurant on the waterfront bartending all day so I was tired after a brutal day. When I said it was uphill, I meant uphill, not a gradual incline. It was steep! and very late at night when my EXboyfriend drove by. I certainly didnt look like I chose to walk a moped up a mountain! Thanks guys!

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I was at the gas station pumping gas when the lady in front of me had a little boy who asked if he could pump the gas. She said yes and then quickly answered her phone, as it was ringing. She wasn't watching him and he pulled out the pump to early, spraying gas all over me, including my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 660

You deserved it 3 022

By SApprentice - 19/12/2012 05:02 - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I noticed one of my neighbors has decided to place an old toilet in the middle of their front lawn. Another one has had a kitchen sink in their driveway for a year, and yet another has a sofa in their grass. These are the people who taunt me for just walking my cat outside on a leash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 657

You deserved it 9 824

SApprentice tells us more.

SApprentice 34

Thursday 20 December 2012 8:49

I walk my cat on a leash and harness, instead of letting him roam, because I love him and do not want him to become lost to me. He really enjoys it and actually begs at the door to go for his walk. My neighbors are just trashy. They sit on their porches and loudly talk about the people who go by, which includes me whenever I try to walk my cat before I go to work. They are disturbingly proud of themselves, and seem to feed off of each other, with each malicious comment earning praise and support from their group. I... I just hate them so much. They don't seem to do anything. I don't know what they do for work. They're just always sitting on one of two porches, being dicks to everyone and adding new tidbits of trash to the landscape.