Miscellaneous: Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain...

By Anonymous - 04/03/2012 22:20 - Canada

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 449

You deserved it 4 365

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Same thing different taste

By lingadoo - 07/12/2012 05:46 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 083

You deserved it 4 857

Freakout

By DisgustingCreatures - 04/08/2016 18:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 625

You deserved it 1 176

Freaked

By AussieGirl - 21/11/2009 11:40 - Australia

Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 199

You deserved it 4 036

By spiderwoman - 04/11/2012 17:12 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 739

You deserved it 13 583

By Anonymous - 29/03/2018 19:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 3 736

By Anonymous - 05/06/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 223

You deserved it 347

Sticky situation

By Anonymous - 24/07/2022 06:00

Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 207

Where did you come from?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 977

You deserved it 2 929

By what if I'm being eaten from the inside out? oh my god - 05/04/2013 18:51 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 714

You deserved it 4 841

By funyfunkid - 22/12/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 136

You deserved it 47 971

Sarah_moustache 9

Monday 5 March 2012 1:20

Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.

aFreedom127 9

Monday 5 March 2012 1:22

They were coming to collect the offering.

Comments

sean5 0

Monday 5 March 2012 1:31

This is my worst nightmare

Calyx_fml 21

Monday 5 March 2012 1:32

Piss ant.

GlitterBomb 5

Monday 5 March 2012 1:34

I'd jump in the shower quick if there was one! how horrible!

I_heart_sex 1

Monday 5 March 2012 2:12

Can I join you?

llamafish 25

Monday 5 March 2012 2:30

But there wasn't one. There were many. More than five, at least.

XtraEzeee 8

Monday 5 March 2012 4:11

More than 200, actually

XtraEzeee 8

Monday 5 March 2012 4:13

More than 200, actually

kimmi41509 10

Monday 5 March 2012 1:39

I think you need to clean your bathroom and buy some ant traps..or squirt the entire area with Windex. That'll kill those bitches. Works for me every time.

DocBastard 38

Monday 5 March 2012 1:40

You should've redirected your offering onto the ants. Then once they've congregated around it, you stomp them all into oblivion. Of course, that may cause another problem...

rattusrattus 18

Monday 5 March 2012 2:27

Shit all over your feet? Ant corpses all over your feet? The neighbours complaining about the crazy person next door who ***** on the floor then stomps on it, yelling "WE ART THY DOOM, FEEBLE ANT CREATURES!!!!!"?