Intimacy: Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money,...

By nothowtheydoitinalabama - 22/02/2012 03:43 - United States

Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 593

You deserved it 3 721

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Same thing different taste

By kaynotentirelywrong - 15/08/2013 16:49 - Canada - Repentigny

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 218

You deserved it 13 356

By fucked up dad - 11/07/2013 19:50 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 473

You deserved it 6 656

Quick thinking

By me. - 29/10/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh, I had an itch…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 058

You deserved it 35 420

Realistic

By IBleedArbor - 16/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 324

You deserved it 5 039

Cash grab

By Anonymous - 13/01/2013 05:27 - Canada

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 318

You deserved it 5 067

Busting makes me feel good

By Anonymous - 03/02/2023 12:00

Today, my husband suggested we start making pornos online to make ends meet. I told him, “You bust so quickly, it’ll have to be a TikTok.” He’s been pouting all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 262

You deserved it 461

By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 15:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 769

You deserved it 8 904

TMI

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 08:18 - Australia

Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 865

You deserved it 3 847

By nooneatall - 15/01/2010 03:16 - France

Today, I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. He thought I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 975

You deserved it 20 263

Cough cough

By Anonymous - 14/07/2024 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, right now, for some reason my dad is sat in the living room masturbating. In our house you have to go through the living room to reach the front door, as there's no access to the front of the house if I go out the back to the garden. It’s been a while. If he doesn’t hurry up I’ll be late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 109

peachesncreem 21

Wednesday 22 February 2012 8:34

At least it's an original idea?

dookiedoo 0

Wednesday 22 February 2012 8:34

Too late I just patented that.

Comments

SweetPerfectionn 3

Wednesday 22 February 2012 12:35

You don't have any pets.. Do you? ._.

steeledwolf 8

Saturday 25 February 2012 17:14

Thats impossibru!!!!!

slimmathers123 10

Wednesday 22 February 2012 12:37

they already have those

Enslaved 36

Wednesday 22 February 2012 13:00

You better patent that idea quick before someone on FML steals it!

Lexiloulynn 2

Wednesday 22 February 2012 13:04

Dolphins are the only animals who have sex for pleasure... Not sure he would make a lot from selling those...

ninjapiratejesus_fml 20

Thursday 23 February 2012 3:21

Not exactly true. I'm pretty sure bonobo apes do too. Or I could be mistaken...

onikage_666 0

Wednesday 22 February 2012 13:06

I'm guessing none of you would know what artificial insemination is.

KriiFahMoro 9

Wednesday 22 February 2012 13:16

Well a happy pet equals a happy owner, so why the hell not?

Tiecho 4

Wednesday 22 February 2012 13:19

Yes... Because i hate having to whack off my animals manually

perdix 29

Wednesday 22 February 2012 13:20

There's one for cows called Beef Strokin'-Off.

MeganMckenzie 1

Wednesday 22 February 2012 13:21

They actually use those on bulls so they can breed them later.

simgar98 0

Wednesday 22 February 2012 13:22

where can i buy it?!?!

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The Top

Today, at my Grandfather's funeral, my Grandmother decided it would be a good time to tell the story of the time she went to a strip club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 138

You deserved it 1 784

Today, one of my friends confessed his love for me and said he wanted to be more than friends. Jaded by guys who only wanted one thing, I pushed him away saying, “Oh really, is that what you think you need to say to get in my pants?” He frowned and stormed off. Later, I found out he really did want a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 1 023

Today, I had to listen to my ridiculously judgmental aunt bitching about how America “let a criminal back onto the streets” because Brittney Griner (or “that bitch”, as she called her) “couldn’t be a decent person”. I can’t believe I share DNA with this cunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 1 121

Today, swimming with a friend, we had the bright idea of throwing our swimsuits into the water, letting the current bring them back. Mine never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 251

You deserved it 791

Today, I'm stuck in traffic and the rain is pouring. I guess I'll just have to wait until this is over. I wonder what I'll say to the interviewer when he cancels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 553

You deserved it 174

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 169

You deserved it 5 063