Intimacy: Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor...

By Anonymous - 05/09/2015 02:22 - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 618

You deserved it 9 177

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Same thing different taste

Hey there little buddy

By Anonymous - 07/02/2023 01:00 - Finland

Today, I was in my bed masturbating when I felt something on my chest. I looked down to see a spider running around. I'm super scared of spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 247

Freaked

By AussieGirl - 21/11/2009 11:40 - Australia

Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 199

You deserved it 4 036

Bath time [GONE WRONG][CREEPYPASTA]

By noname - 27/12/2008 04:07 - France

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 319

You deserved it 23 918

By eebie jeebies - 30/05/2016 15:31 - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 497

You deserved it 3 188

By fack - 29/07/2015 14:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 669

You deserved it 10 804

Freakout

By emmey - 23/07/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 921

You deserved it 44 884

By thatsnotacat - 21/11/2013 17:52 - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 544

You deserved it 3 363

Monster in my bathroom

By Thescarlettfox - 16/02/2020 01:00

Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 892

SCREAM!

By Anonymous - 10/07/2025 20:00 - United States - Newport

Today, I was in the bathroom at a party when I noticed a spider the size of a golf ball on the toilet paper roll. I screamed, tripped over my own feet trying to flee, and fell right into the bathtub. Everyone at the party heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 298

Love is love

By SpiderMan - 12/03/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor… and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 486

You deserved it 106 847

kaybows 14

Sunday 6 September 2015 0:18

Yeah, pretty sure masturbation's never been brought up in Doctor Who.

bahamit 18

Sunday 6 September 2015 0:08

Two words.... Door lock....

Comments

pooldude 24

Sunday 6 September 2015 0:30

i never get how people get caught while wanking. Have you guys not heard of door locks or do not check them before hand? YDI

derangedplanet 23

Sunday 6 September 2015 0:37

He just wanted a nice front row seat. poor sister though. and as far as it goes. wank is a British word. he's making a cliche guys

tj4234 35

Sunday 6 September 2015 0:58

He could at least have used a show where they would say wank. For example, the Inbetweeners.

9a_1z 12

Sunday 6 September 2015 1:57

I'm all for people embracing this noble word into their vocabularies, but 'wank' is more than just a TV series, wank is the entirety of British existence. Wank is always leaving the house with an umbrella, wank is puking on buses at 3am, wank is the entire bloody royal family.