Awkward

Effective

By Nublet - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

agreeclassic 36 450

vote type 1 5 587

Levelling down

By Yellow - 09/10/2023 17:30

Today, I told a friend I was going to the dentist for the first time in years. He immediately replied, "Yay! Teeth whitening!" I hadn't mentioned teeth whitening. I'm not even going for teeth whitening. -5 XP new insecurity unlocked. FML

agreeclassic 583

vote type 1 211

Red flags everywhere

By Anonymous - 09/10/2023 15:00

Today, my wife started finding everything I do annoying, just after she passed her American citizenship test. I hope there’s no correlation between that and the eight years of support. FML

agreeclassic 861

vote type 1 206

Brain worms

By The Wherewolf - 08/10/2023 19:30

Today, I was so tired at work that I typed out "wherehouse" instead of "warehouse" in a document shared with my co-workers. It took me several seconds to realize why the heck the spell checker had underlined "wherehouse" in red. FML

agreeclassic 518

vote type 1 202

Power move

By Anonymous - 08/10/2023 17:00

Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML

agreeclassic 543

vote type 1 174

Let it all dangle

By Anonymous - 08/10/2023 07:30 - United States

Today, my 76 year-old mother-in-law stayed the night at our house. I bumped into her on the way to the bathroom during the night. She discovered I sleep naked. Sadly, I found out that she does, too. FML

agreeclassic 366

vote type 1 805

Crossed wires

By hudd357mag - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

agreeclassic 34 772

vote type 1 2 532

Dilbert 2023

By Robert Smith's Lipstick - 08/10/2023 10:00

Today, I tried impressing my colleagues by using fancy business jargon during a meeting. I ended up saying, "Let's synergize our ideation to maximize the bandwidth of our paradigm shift." Nobody had a clue what I meant, and me neither to be honest. FML

agreeclassic 96

vote type 1 1 317

Teenage riot

By Anonymous - 08/10/2023 07:30

Today, my daughter came to me crying because the boy she’s been rejecting for 8 months stopped asking her out, and is now dating someone else. Apparently she secretly liked him and is mad he gave up. That boy dodged a bullet, but I still have to put up with her crazy ass though. FML

agreeclassic 1 089

vote type 1 308

How can I put this…?

By It's a foot long - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

agreeclassic 3 661

vote type 1 493

Funny haha

By Wrecked Ralphina - 07/10/2023 00:30 - United States

Today, I decided to try out a new look. Hair, make-up, dress. Later, at work, a guy from our insurance came to assess the building's fire damages from 2 days ago, saying, "I'm here to take pictures of the wreckage." One of my coworkers said, "She's right over there!" FML

agreeclassic 765

vote type 1 124

Profit!

By SueSueSue - 07/10/2023 05:00 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I sent my boss an animated GIF of a dancing banana instead of the report he'd requested. He replied with a dancing potato. Productivity level: absolute zero. FML

agreeclassic 186

vote type 1 657

My bad

By Noname - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a toddler's ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

agreeclassic 28 267

vote type 1 4 057

Lonely dude

By Anonymous - 07/10/2023 00:02 - India

Today, after my boss asked me to work late on a Friday and I'd agreed, thinking it would show him my dedication to the corporation, I got to the office. I realized after a while that I was the only one there, and the building's security system had locked me in. I spent my Friday night talking to our office goldfish in an empty row of cubicles. FML

agreeclassic 677

vote type 1 203

Big mistake

By AccidentalToiletSpy - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, in the bathroom at work, I heard two co-workers enter and begin a very private discussion. Not wanting to embarrass either of them, I figured I'd sit quietly until they left. Big mistake. They talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't feel my legs. FML

agreeclassic 3 093

vote type 1 1 188

Upping the stakes

By Anonymous - 06/10/2023 05:00 - Australia

Today, I was at a wedding and caught the bouquet. My boyfriend of five years panicked and proposed on the spot, thinking I was hinting at something. I just wanted to catch some flowers, but I had to tell him to get a grip without hurting his feelings. FML

agreeclassic 402

vote type 1 707

Frustrated wank

By Anonymous - 05/10/2023 19:00

Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML

agreeclassic 621

vote type 1 330

To each his own

By Anonymous - 05/10/2023 14:00

Today, during sex, my boyfriend found it appropriate to tell me he loves "how bad" I smell. FML

agreeclassic 495

vote type 1 255

Trauma for life

By he's still not convinced - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while visiting my mother, she asked my son who his favorite parent was. As a growing boy, he chose his father. I don't mind, except she then asked, "So, whose side are you taking in the divorce?" My husband and I have no marital issues. My son refuses to believe us. FML

agreeclassic 47 932

vote type 1 3 642

Cheer me up

By Anonymous - 03/10/2023 04:00

Today, I was in bed feeling sad and depressed because I hate my career and several major life choices I made for the wrong reasons. My husband, who had been trying to cheer me up all day, put the icing on the cake by saying, “Is this a bad time to mention the blowjob you promised me yesterday?” FML

agreeclassic 601

vote type 1 326

Let's get it on

By chief623 - 01/10/2023 16:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I showered with my wife for the first time in months, so I was excited. Once we got in, she was adjusting the temperature to something more comfortable. She then turned around and tell me to suck in my gut. After I did so, I slipped and ate shit, smacking my head on the wall. FML

agreeclassic 505

vote type 1 140

Is it technically cheating or not?

By Anonymous - 01/10/2023 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out that my ex has a “new” girlfriend. I’ve been romantically involved with the ex off and on since our breakup 2 years ago, which just so happens to be how long they’ve apparently been dating. FML

agreeclassic 260

vote type 1 770

Great parenting skills

By Anonymous - 01/10/2023 08:00

Today, I borrowed my adopted mom's laptop and found out that either her, my dad, or both of them, have been trying to research legal ways of un-adopting me and giving me back to the foster care system. FML

agreeclassic 1 112

vote type 1 132

Cursed media

By Zack - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

agreeclassic 37 302

vote type 1 97 806

Great, just great

By lax22 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, thirty minutes after the end of a great date with a great girl, she texted me, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML

agreeclassic 48 181

vote type 1 6 316

Double sus

By Turnipseed3 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever, and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

agreeclassic 48 335

vote type 1 3 171

Soaking in shame

By Joseph Smith Flynt - 28/09/2023 16:00

Today, my family gathered for dinner. My dad told my newlywed sister that she looked gaunt and that she should eat more. When pressed, she began describing everything wrong in her sex life. We’re Mormons. FML

agreeclassic 470

vote type 1 191

Confused?

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

agreeclassic 20 181

vote type 1 35 908

High school drama

By never again - 27/09/2023 20:00

Today, I asked a girl from class out. Not only did she say, "Ew, no way, never, creepo!", but four hours later her boyfriend, who I didn't know about, threatened me with a gun if I ever even looked at his girl again. FML

agreeclassic 787

vote type 1 128

Dog's dinner

By Bad Pet Sitter - 27/09/2023 01:00 - United States

Today, it's been a week since my brother asked me to watch his dog while he's on a business trip. I let his dog out to do his business, and he ran right in front of a pickup. The driver didn't stop in time, and crushed the dog's head. I went to check on him. He's dead, and I will be too when my brother gets back. FML

agreeclassic 399

vote type 1 876

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I got excited when I learned that the fruit on the trees by my apartment building was ripe and free to pick. I picked myself some juicy summer plums and enjoyed them. Minutes later, my tongue started burning painfully. Turns out, I'm allergic to plums. FML

agreeclassic 986

vote type 1 148

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

agreeclassic 5 191

vote type 1 681

Today, my satan-spawn of a step-son proudly showed that he can pee accurately while standing up. I'd be less livid if he hadn't pissed on me while I was asleep in bed. FML

agreeclassic 26 775

vote type 1 2 574

Today, I asked my mom if I was ugly. She said, "Ask your girlfriend." I said I didn't have one. She said "Exactly." FML

agreeclassic 53 507

vote type 1 5 319

Today, I bought a desk for my new apartment. After ignoring the warnings on the box saying it should not be carried alone, I made it all the way to my apartment with the desk. I walked in the door and dropped it on my foot. FML

agreeclassic 3 894

vote type 1 6 272

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

agreeclassic 28 799

vote type 1 5 307