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Hey Everyone, OP here. Thanks for all the support and making me laugh. Luckily he hadn't taken anything of value, although he had taken my shoes(ridiculous, I know). I was walking home from my job because my bike was also stolen. Again, FML. I had accidentally left my wallet at my house which is lucky for once. After being stabbed, someone had seen me bleeding, so they called 911. I'm no longer in the hospital as the wound wasn't serious, so I'm doing slightly better. Again, Thanks for the support.

By Anonymous - 10/05/2017 00:10 - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 283

You deserved it 360

Gullible

By Anonymous - 02/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling, "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 901

You deserved it 23 591

By bunyipp - 23/09/2017 04:00 - Australia - Macquarie Park

Today, I was at work and a lady came in with a cake - I work as a nurse in a pediatrics ward. While we were eating the cake, she told us she used her breast milk instead of normal milk. Now all of us nurses have to be tested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 568

You deserved it 461

By Ford - 03/01/2018 01:30

Today, a child that was born due to my donation to a sperm bank in 1995 contacted me. My current wife, who I met in 2003, is convinced I cheated on her and is filing for a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 727

You deserved it 552

By Jason - 24/12/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 518

You deserved it 427

By whygod - 12/06/2016 13:45

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 427

You deserved it 1 418

Behave!

By Anonymous - 06/08/2018 00:00 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 324

You deserved it 1 151

Get it on

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 20:28 - United States - Fremont

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend, when his doorbell rang. He said it was his friend and that he'd be back soon. He shut off his video feed but forgot to mute his audio. A few minutes later, I heard him and some orgasm-faking girl getting it on in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 629

You deserved it 1 780

By UnicornWaffles - 16/03/2016 17:23 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I had sex with a guy I really had a connection with. It went perfect until I complimented how his moans during sex turn me on a lot, and he responded with, "That's what my mom told me." I laughed so hard we couldn't go on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 046

You deserved it 3 282

UnicornWaffles tells us more.

UnicornWaffles 23

Friday 18 March 2016 2:13

Hey fellas, quick clarification. When he said what he said I just blurted out laughing, because to me it obviously was a joke. Further confirmation would have either ruin the joke or ruin sex with him forever. He may have very well been a mother-****** but I wouldn't need to know, as we're not dating each other. That being said, I'm positive it's humor, and any humor is a good laugh to me if you appreciate the other person's intension to make you happy. I did forbid him to say that again in bed though; it'll just be creepy a second time. Thanks for you comments :) we had a good laugh.

By Starchaser - 16/04/2017 19:23

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 383

You deserved it 633