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By sweet - 26/03/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 381

You deserved it 5 442

By Anonymous - 20/04/2014 04:03 - United States - Meridian

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 303

You deserved it 5 054

It's a gas gas gas

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 10:01 - United States - Schertz

Today, as my husband normally initiates sex and sometimes I want to but always chicken out, I was feeling brave and did so. After he came, he continued working on me and I farted. I embarrassingly apologized and he said it was ok and kept going. I then continued to fart, and I had to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 321

By Anonymous - 16/08/2016 17:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 699

You deserved it 1 603

By Jjh99q - 03/10/2017 22:30 - United States

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 478

You deserved it 691

By novacabudsforme - 15/08/2016 10:11 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my mother told me that I could take a friend on vacation with us. Then she added that because I have no friends, my brother can bring his girlfriend instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 212

You deserved it 1 009

By displeased - 05/04/2012 06:47 - United States - Candler

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 814

You deserved it 3 573

By Anonymous - 21/03/2009 07:18 - Canada

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 389

You deserved it 13 312

By sw2f2fchik612 - 04/08/2016 02:01 - United States - Snellville

Today, I was sitting on the floor petting my cat. Something that felt like a rock was jabbing into my leg so I reached down to remove it. It was an ancient, rock-hard piece of dung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 823

You deserved it 1 747

sw2f2fchik612 tells us more.

sw2f2fchik612 12

Thursday 4 August 2016 23:11

This is my FML. And yay, I finally got one published! Anyway, yes it was inside on the floor and yes, it was freakin' gross haha. I had just come home after being away for several weeks for those saying I haven't been cleaning lol. I didn't see it because it blended in with the color of the rug. It actually hurt when I sat down on it. I can only assume one of the dogs snuck it from the litter box as they tend to do.

Einstürzende Neubauten

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, the two government buildings on either side of my apartment both started renovations. It will be about two months of constant banging as they cut and put up the steel on both sites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 962

You deserved it 323

By Mandy - 26/03/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, I learned why the phrase "seafood taco salad" terrifies everyone in the school's cafeteria. What happened to me after eating it made Saw III look like a Disney movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 960

You deserved it 4 025

By SmellyLeg - 20/11/2017 15:00

Today, my bike slipped on ice and I slid spectacularly for several meters. While my helmet saved me from a cracked skull, nothing could protect me from landing leg-first in the dog poop somebody hadn't bothered to pick up. I had to go to school like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 339

You deserved it 327

Don't date coworkers

By Pastrygirl - 11/07/2016 22:00

Today, while finishing up at work, I started helping a co-worker out with his workload since I'd finished mine. His girlfriend apparently didn't like this and started slamming things around, constantly muttering passive aggressive comments because she wanted to help him. I work with idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 673

You deserved it 908

By dumbmotherinlaw - 06/07/2016 17:29 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 334

You deserved it 821

Wedding dress

By Anonymous - 24/01/2020 20:00 - Netherlands

Today, I walked down the aisle when a bug flew into my mouth. In a response, I threw up on my beautiful white wedding dress. I had to party and be in the pictures in someones spare pink dress for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 266

You deserved it 277

By Anonymous - 26/01/2013 17:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 399

You deserved it 47 372

By AstonBrown - 15/06/2016 17:53 - United States - Cleveland

Today, a strong storm knocked the power out at our office. I was dismissed five hours early, had my desk locked up and was walking toward the doors to leave when the power came back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 970

You deserved it 1 030

The classic switcheroo

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 16:01

Today, I accidentally texted my very strict and judgemental mom instead of my boyfriend. The text said, "I wanna lick ice cream off your dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 1 524

By Loveless - 09/04/2018 13:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 250

You deserved it 438

It's a doggy dog world

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 418

You deserved it 9 779

By tristaph - 01/08/2018 00:00

Today, a bird took a dump on my truck as I was driving and the wind pushed it into the keyhole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 384

You deserved it 184

By boringhusband - 08/05/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 740

You deserved it 1 534

Overheard musings

By thanks hun - 07/05/2020 20:00

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 023

You deserved it 282

By Duplighost - 12/01/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 823

You deserved it 40 173

Check before crossing

By Randy Savage - 02/02/2009 16:29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude, how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guy's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 938

You deserved it 71 401

By pierced - 01/05/2016 17:56 - United States - Marble Falls

Today, I have an infected piercing because I'm allergic to the metal. My ear is so swollen that I can't remove the jewelry. It won't get better until I'm able to remove the jewelry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 826

You deserved it 1 763

By Anon. - 01/03/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 634

You deserved it 91 099

By Coffee - 06/08/2018 16:30

Today, I went to Starbucks to get my free birthday coffee and due to a mistake I received two. Thinking it was my lucky day, I hurried off to work. As I was walking in, I tripped and spilt one coffee all over my new dress. Then I walked into a door and spilt the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 892

You deserved it 1 116

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 16/06/2020 02:02

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my shirt off, she saw my chest acne. She ran out of my house and hasn't spoken to me in 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 179

You deserved it 274

Too late

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 23:46 - United States - Paramus

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 457

You deserved it 9 624

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Today, I went on an interview for a job that I had been wanting for months. I thought everything was going great. On my way out, my interviewer asked me to recycle something for him. I agreed. It was my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 432

You deserved it 2 340

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 289

You deserved it 5 067

Today, I realized my acne is so bad that the Facebook face recognition could recognize all of my friends in a group photo except me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 857

You deserved it 3 964

Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 714

You deserved it 2 853

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 4 479

Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 422

You deserved it 2 261