The Top

That man hasn't worked a day in almost 5 years. He took an early retirement and sits home all day. I work my ass off. I have a 3 hour daily commute on top of my work day. After sitting on his ass all day, he needs to cook me my favorite meal, give me the best sex ever and worship me for taking care of him! Yet, I'm thinking of myself? Get real.

By Wheresthecreamfilling - 03/11/2016 06:03

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 110

You deserved it 1 909

Dad jokes, part #23555

By Lizzie - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 895

You deserved it 354

By "GumStickExtraGmail" - 26/09/2017 17:33 - United States - Arvada

Today, I told my dad I had depression. He responded with, "Why do all gay people have depression?" I'm not gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 540

You deserved it 408

GumStickExtraGmail tells us more.

GumStickExtraGmail 22

Sunday 24 September 2017 5:01

Hey, OP here. No, he wasn't joking with me. I had just gotten a divorce, and he thought it was because im gay. I'm also female, so my father thought females are more likely to be gay??? idk.

Odd

By StupidPets - 24/08/2016 03:09 - United States - Murrysville

Today, I saw my new pet fish completely missing the food at the bottom of his tank and sucking up the little rocks instead. My last dog died from eating rocks. I think I'm doomed to have insanely stupid pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 275

You deserved it 1 432

By inappropes - 11/08/2016 05:33 - United States

Today, my mom got so desperate to find me a woman, she went to see a medium. I don't have the guts to tell her I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 709

You deserved it 3 067

inappropes tells us more.

inappropes 31

Thursday 11 August 2016 21:17

Wow this got posted. Ok so here is some background. She thinks I am bisexual. And is already wanting grandchildren. I am 24 and she mentions it alot. And I do want children one day....but that day is far off. She has 6 grandchildren from my step brothers but she really wants biological ones. About the medium part. Out of the blue she texts me asking if im interested in a specific looking woman, then tells me her medium said to be on the look out for her. I had no idea my mom believed in that crap. So I thought it was funny she went to one. She REALLY wants me to find a woman. Thanks for the encouragement and jokes. They brightened my day.

Arrested

By shikushiku - 03/08/2016 03:12 - United States - Plano

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Turns out he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 403

You deserved it 991

By pass me the fucking rope - 18/06/2016 13:17 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 464

You deserved it 945

Boring people

By Anonymous - 25/05/2016 07:53 - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 498

You deserved it 1 661

By NotAsGoodAsATruck - 03/06/2018 14:30 - United States - Ludington

Today, after my boyfriend had been away for months, I invited him over to have sex. He said he hurt his back too badly to do anything. Don't worry though, it doesn't hurt enough to stop him from working on his truck for several hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 231

You deserved it 595

By Shino - 26/06/2018 19:00

Today, my fiancé's mother made him pack his stuff and move to Montana while I was at work. I came home to a half-written note because she wouldn’t let him finish. We own a house together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 502

You deserved it 471

By Dramaqueenfornothing - 27/04/2016 22:32 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 360

You deserved it 2 840

By Parking princess - 05/09/2018 10:27 - United States - Curwensville

Today, at work as a meter maid, I had a man scream at me. He had a handicapped license plate on his 3-wheel motorcycle and said he could "park in any handicapped spot and not have to pay the meter". He wouldn't believe he was wrong, even after the police chief backed me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 444

You deserved it 255

kdragonrose tells us more.

kdragonrose 10

Tuesday 4 September 2018 5:35

Op here. To clarify, I did NOT give this jerk a ticket for parking in the handicapped spot. He got the ticket for not paying the meter. Handicapped parking meters in my area are painted blue. He cussed me out because he felt having a handicapped license plate entitled him to not have to pay the meter. I told him "why would they have a meter there if you didn't have to pay it. It's even painted blue?" He continued to cuss at me, so I called the police chief who told the man he was wrong. Ps: a first violation parking ticket in my town costs $3. He cussed me out all this time over a $3 parking ticket.