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By fuckmyjob - 19/06/2014 20:10 - United States - Lake Charles

Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 023

You deserved it 10 182

By LexiD19 - 31/07/2015 22:56 - United States - Fort Mill

Today, on my second day at my new job, a customer called my manager with a complaint about me. He said I put the cheese "upside down" on his sandwich, and that made it taste bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 022

You deserved it 1 795

LexiD19 tells us more.

LexiD19 26

Saturday 1 August 2015 17:59

Hey, OP here! I just started working at Subway a few days ago, so my manager is still training me on the "ways of being a sandwich artist." While making this man's sandwich, I put the cheese longest side facing each other in order to cover all the meat evenly. Well, a few hours later, my manager gets a call from the same man complaining about the cheese being "upside down." My manager thought the whole situation was hilarious and enjoyed telling all of the employees the story. She assured me I didn't do anything wrong and I've been doing great the past few days.

Yaaaaaay!

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 669

You deserved it 4 544

By Order of the Dangling Testicles - 28/01/2014 20:28 - United States - Astoria

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 139

You deserved it 4 336

By DC. - 08/02/2009 12:37 - United States

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 742

You deserved it 8 631

Ed Shitren

By tommy - 20/12/2011 22:41 - United States

Today, after spending months learning how to play the guitar and memorizing the music to my girlfriend's all-time favorite song, I performed it for her. Her response? "Well, you kind of ruined that song for me now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 038

You deserved it 5 610

TMI

By Ceej - 28/10/2012 04:06 - United States - Grand Haven

Today, my husband and I were told by our elderly neighbors that they can hear us having sex a lot. To top it off, the elderly man said while patting his wife's arm with a smile, "Carol used to make noises like that too, back in the day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 960

You deserved it 7 089

Jammed

By me - 05/01/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 488

You deserved it 3 775

Love is love, dude

By lonelyengineer - 19/12/2010 10:28 - Germany

Today, I sat in the cafeteria at work and saw a girl, which is a rare sight at my workplace, from the back with a beautifully long ponytail. After a full hour of building up courage to perhaps say hi to her, she turned around. It was a 50-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 038

You deserved it 32 218

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, my lawyer threatened to sue me because I can't afford his bill, which he sent to me after getting me out of a lawsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 215

You deserved it 37 078

What a Q-tip

By Anonymous - 25/06/2013 16:21 - United States - Flowery Branch

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 575

You deserved it 6 504

By Bella0304 - 06/09/2014 18:02 - Canada - Boucherville

Today, I found out I'm allergic to our new cat. My mom said she'd rather get rid of me than the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 600

You deserved it 4 182

Bella0304 tells us more.

Bella0304 4

Sunday 7 September 2014 5:14

Hi, OP here..for those of you wondering I'm 16 years old and my mom doesn't want to get rid of Buffy (my cat) and honestly neither do I! My mom keeps saying shed rather get rid of me instead of the cat..lol I know she's probably joking and she loves me...but never get in between a woman and her cat!

Wrong place, wrong time

By And you think I'M crazy? - 22/04/2013 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. Naturally, I drove over to my best friend's house for comfort. My boyfriend saw me driving past his house and promptly broke up with me for being "a psycho stalker." She lives across the street from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 128

You deserved it 6 295

Good game

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 192

You deserved it 6 911

By roadie42 - 25/05/2015 03:15 - United States - Farmington

Today, my dog was knocked unconscious. I had to race him to the vet and pay a small fortune for x-rays and shots. All because he ran into the kitchen at full speed and smashed headfirst into the refrigerator after hearing me open a bag of turkey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 989

You deserved it 3 103

roadie42 tells us more.

roadie42 21

Monday 25 May 2015 17:49

Hey, OP here! The vet was worried that he might have a concussion, so they gave him shots to prevent/reduce any swelling. I think he also received a sedative for the x-ray. Anyway, he's doing just fine now...back to his normal happy self. And he got some turkey in the end for his trouble :)

By CMANIA - 07/09/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt - right by my left nipple. Absentmindedly, I licked my finger and tried rubbing the stain out. When I looked up, the Vice President was staring at me in disbelief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 039

You deserved it 6 632

By Anonymous - 08/01/2014 04:21 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 264

You deserved it 35 015

By cjk004 - 15/02/2009 11:35 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 780

You deserved it 6 635

Thanks, I hate it!

By AtikaSucks - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Tunisia

Today, thanks to my brilliant hairstylist, I ended up with a brand new haircut, which I like to call the "Bowler hat-and-Spaghetti" cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 676

You deserved it 3 310

By rj - 06/03/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 313

You deserved it 3 045

Weirdo

By whateven333 - 18/02/2015 04:02 - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I told my cousin that I would gladly help him get through the loss of my aunt. That is until he started flirting with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 941

You deserved it 2 688

By stupidupid - 06/02/2010 12:35 - Philippines

Today, we had a NAT for our preparation for college. I did quite well and knew most of the answers. When I turned mine in, I realised I forgot to write my name. The proctor doesn't allow giving back test papers after it is turned in. And no, I can't retake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 520

You deserved it 30 322

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, I was telling one of my patients I was upset because my sister wants to go to beauty school, and that I don't want her getting a worthless qualification and to aim higher. My patient replied by saying she's a hair dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 827

You deserved it 46 107

Double trouble

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 06:21 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 659

You deserved it 5 679

By keiran123 - 27/06/2013 23:15 - United States - Welsh

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering pizzas, I got bit by a guy dressed as Dracula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 304

You deserved it 3 336

Souvenir

By VacationRuined - 16/06/2013 23:22 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I left for a one and a half month trip to Japan with my boyfriend. He promptly broke up with me the first night in the hotel. When asked why he couldn't have waited until the trip was over, he said he didn't want to create "false memories." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 942

You deserved it 3 459

Drunken rampage?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friend's house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 925

You deserved it 5 513

By sorrynotsorry - 19/08/2014 02:59 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 897

You deserved it 3 497

By crapgirl - 18/04/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 136

You deserved it 3 766

By freakingout - 02/09/2015 21:10 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, after the doctor poking around my urethra and vagina at a lump, she turns to me and says, "I'm going to be honest, I have no idea what that is. Have some antibiotics and we'll see how it goes in two weeks." Excuse me while I go panic in a corner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 966

You deserved it 1 619

freakingout tells us more.

freakingout 10

Thursday 3 September 2015 20:57

OP here, wow didn't expect it to make it on here ? Well so far no change, she even asked me are you sure it's not part of you, like how often does anybody know themselves there. What? I know myself very well there and it's not normal. Got an appointment with the gyno for next week so should be all good :) thought it was suspicious I got an appointment within half hour of ringing...