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By ahhhboys - 27/11/2010 19:12 - Romania

Today, my boyfriend of six months said he wanted to take our relationship one step further. I thought he was going to ask me to move in. He meant he wanted to fart in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 568

You deserved it 6 262

By accountnamevalid - 21/06/2013 02:23 - United States

Today, I lost my car keys, so I asked my ex-husband if he still had his spare to my car. He said he'd send it. I got an empty envelope with a troll face on it. There's a reason I left him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 989

You deserved it 8 762

accountnamevalid tells us more.

accountnamevalid 3

Friday 21 June 2013 11:10

We had a very amicable divorce. I'll admit I laughed a bit, but waiting on that key cost me cab and bus fare, when I could have called the locksmith I'll have to call anyway.

By Anon - 26/06/2014 04:03 - United States - Middletown

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to marry me and be the father of my children. Five minutes later, he told me he wants to experience death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 628

You deserved it 5 229

By bambam - 12/05/2014 16:01 - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 357

You deserved it 6 258

By esv - 01/04/2009 09:18 - United States

Today, I went to the laundromat for the first time. I fit all of my clothes into two washers. Not knowing where to put the soap in, I asked a man doing his laundry, "Excuse me, where do I put the soap in?". He replied, "Ma'am, those are the dryers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 604

You deserved it 80 171

By lizzzie - 09/10/2009 21:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the excessive groin sweating I've been trying to deal with for weeks isn't groin sweating. It's a slow and steady stream of urine that I have no control over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 163

You deserved it 3 779

By Anonymous - 21/03/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 803

You deserved it 10 418

By fingerhut - 03/03/2012 08:27 - United States

Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck by the terrible feeling of an oncoming turd. Being only about 20 minutes from home, I thought I could make it back without letting the beast out. I was so wrong. The only thing I'm grateful for is that I was carrying the Sunday paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 529

You deserved it 3 676

fingerhut tells us more.

fingerhut 3

Wednesday 7 March 2012 2:37

running is the best solution to constipation

By Anonymus - 18/04/2015 07:01 - Sweden

Today, I read my 10-year-old sister's diary. That's how I found out about her disturbingly detailed plan to murder me, make it look like suicide, date my boyfriend after helping him get over my death, then marry him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 163

You deserved it 5 504

Naptime

By Celeste - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 014

You deserved it 3 336

By some things never change - 28/11/2012 23:04 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 565

You deserved it 1 988

By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 23:17 - United States - Killington

Today, I found a wounded turkey in our backyard. I brought it inside, put it in a cage, and tended to its wounds. I then left. When I got back home, I smelled the wonderful aroma of my mother's cooking. She had prepared a turkey, the one I'd rescued. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 921

You deserved it 5 666

Gross

By hushnow - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer who, just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 208

You deserved it 3 813

By djkimmaz - 03/12/2011 11:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 785

You deserved it 3 385

By oncehipjr - 03/10/2014 19:04 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 440

You deserved it 4 552

By sirensaresexy - 24/07/2012 13:54 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I got on a two hour train ride to go to a concert. I had been so caught up in handling the train tickets that halfway to the concert, I realized I had left the concert tickets on my dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 873

You deserved it 9 092

Set the scene

By Fire0fisis - 23/05/2012 09:38 - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 948

You deserved it 11 159

By freed - 29/01/2014 05:13 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 596

You deserved it 12 276

By Anonymous - 20/08/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 783

You deserved it 67 010

By fine - 28/02/2015 05:22 - United States - Danvers

Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 445

You deserved it 4 698

By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 20:08 - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 162

You deserved it 1 904

By cduran2011 - 14/10/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 608

You deserved it 12 401

Delusional

By Anonymous - 02/08/2012 00:56 - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 206

You deserved it 3 304

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I decided to sleep in for 5 extra minutes. Those 5 extra minutes became 55 minutes, which, coincidentally, was roughly the length of the midterm I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 421

You deserved it 240

Surprise indeed

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 14:24 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 332

You deserved it 3 740

By nightjay - 11/07/2016 14:32 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I got grounded for having a boner when I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 326

You deserved it 1 556

nightjay tells us more.

nightjay 21

Tuesday 12 July 2016 4:44

Hi, OP here! It was just a casual morning today, and since my mom usually waits for me to get up (because I'm usually pretty lazy out of bed), they wouldn't leave my bedside. Not wanting to embarrass myself in front of my extremely Catholic mom, I said no when she kept on telling me to get up. Finally, laying on my side (facing away from my mom) she boils over and pulls the covers off, and in my attempt to save my covers from falling on the floor, she sees my boner and immediately assumes I was masturbating. I don't know which was worse: getting grounded, getting the "masturbation is evil" talk, or having my mom see my dick. Triple FML. Thanks for the support! All the penis-puns make me smile :)

By yes i meant ex-boyfriend - 18/01/2014 21:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 457

You deserved it 5 821