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By roundemup - 11/02/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I was helping some neighbors corral and tag their cattle. Deciding to take a break, I turned my back to all 3 men and jumped down from an old, rusty gate. Luckily, the sharp piece of metal sticking out of it barely missed my skin. Instead it tore off the ass of both my pants and undies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 699

You deserved it 5 219

Grrrrrroooooooooss

By Anonymous - 21/11/2011 16:23 - United States

Today, while watching a man in front of me on the bus remove his cap to scratch his noggin, I noticed the swarm of dandruff that was about to nail me in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 479

You deserved it 2 517

They made me do it

By Cat - 07/11/2011 04:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 237

You deserved it 3 910

Nice imagery

By nekogirl15 - 27/10/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 378

You deserved it 3 839

By FMeRight? - 28/12/2015 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me in front of his whole family with the ring his mother had helped him pick out. Two hours later, I found emails of nudes from another women that had been sent to him a week prior, on his phone. Our flight for home leaves in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 941

You deserved it 1 658

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart and I asked a guy working there where the scrapbooking stuff was. He led me to the aisle where it was and then said, "By the way, I don't work here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 054

You deserved it 31 671

By -_- - 07/10/2015 11:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 982

You deserved it 32 490

By gorey - 19/08/2010 01:26 - Canada

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 038

You deserved it 2 883

Not that there's anything wrong with that

By notgay - 21/06/2015 06:04 - United States - Cranford

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 783

You deserved it 3 589

You absolute melt

By errints234234 - 13/05/2010 23:31 - United States

Today, I was reading a magazine while straightening my hair. I got really into this one article until suddenly a huge clump of hair fell on it. I looked up and realized I had burned through the layer of hair I was straightening, leaving me with one layer at ear length and the rest at bra length. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 714

You deserved it 47 494

Até a próxima

By Anonymous - 20/04/2011 03:05 - United States

Today, I picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in Portuguese. It turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well. Every time I hung up, he called back. Telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 535

You deserved it 10 466

By d - 26/03/2010 07:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 117

You deserved it 9 555

By Cossack_Man - 25/08/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 876

You deserved it 11 724

Unconvincing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year-old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 763

You deserved it 38 528

By Kallian - 25/10/2012 07:08 - Australia

Today, I found a ticket on my motorcycle for not parking in a designated spot. The space I had parked my bike in was occupied by a large van. Some asshole had moved my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 713

You deserved it 2 455

Kallian_fml tells us more.

Kallian_fml 21

Friday 26 October 2012 9:03

I actually feel much more comfortable on my bike than in a car. When I was 15 someone crashed into the side of my mums car, right where I was sitting. The passenger seat I'd been in was completely crushed. Many of my bones were also crushed. Guess I'm just afraid of getting trapped in a car like that again.

You big fanny

By Anonymous - 30/09/2012 17:57 - Germany - Hagen

Today, I was babysitting a six year old girl, when I saw a huge spider on the wall. I screamed and told her to stay back. Instead, she walked up to the spider, squished it, and told me to stop being such a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 437

You deserved it 31 308

By anonymous - 03/01/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 898

You deserved it 5 070

By me - 11/11/2010 18:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I were racing on our bicycles when my chain snapped. I went over the handlebars and slid, on my back, for about ten feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 291

You deserved it 4 904

No time like the present

By jadehin - 08/11/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 463

You deserved it 4 406

What the…?

By ohbiebjetaime - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - France

Today, a guy asked for my number at a party. As I was entering my number into his phone, my name and a picture of me popped up. I'm afraid I just met my stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 371

You deserved it 3 364

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, I had my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 365

You deserved it 22 002

By PoorGal - 19/10/2015 18:04 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my financial situation is so dire that I tried to steal toilet paper from work. I got caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 060

You deserved it 5 808

By Mitcha857 - 30/07/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 798

You deserved it 3 879

By coolcucumber - 10/09/2010 20:40 - United States

Today, my dad squirted water at me. Fortunately, I blocked it. Unfortunately, I blocked it with my new $200 camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 116

You deserved it 24 436

Smooth criminal

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 01:55 - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when a little old lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 685

You deserved it 2 586

By theshameofit - 01/02/2011 17:42 - Cyprus

Spicy

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 824

You deserved it 42 325

By Kerry - 19/06/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 131

You deserved it 2 622

By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 04:37 - United States

Today, I had two 100's and two singles in my wallet. The two 100's was for my electric bill and the two singles were for the bus. Once I got off the bus and to the electric company, I noticed only my singles were there. Turns out I paid the bus driver $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 097

You deserved it 40 500

By Anonymous - 13/04/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 811

You deserved it 4 280

By ripdivine - 24/02/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 315

You deserved it 56 547

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Today, at work, I received an email telling me that viewing porn websites was prohibited and was a good enough reason to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 348

You deserved it 68 859

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 418

You deserved it 147

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparents' house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony… until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 853

You deserved it 4 150

Today, I found out that the myth about what happens when you dream you're going to the toilet is not entirely untrue. At least for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 600

You deserved it 88

Today, I actually had to reassure the girl I'm seeing that she can't "catch" my epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 763

You deserved it 1 724

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 047

You deserved it 4 498