The Top

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Hot bod

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 08:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said, "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 711

You deserved it 8 710

Jealousy

By JLD - 11/10/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I came home from a four-day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she's been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 356

You deserved it 5 162

By nobodylovesme - 04/04/2013 06:46 - United States - Northridge

Today, it was my wedding day. Three people showed up. My mom, my dad, and the priest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 906

You deserved it 4 942

By nemesis5196523 - 03/12/2013 19:45 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 919

You deserved it 4 285

By zitgirl - 14/02/2012 14:14 - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 848

You deserved it 5 582

This is me

By EchoDearEcho - 04/02/2010 14:52 - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 912

You deserved it 4 803

By clean - 16/09/2013 07:51 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 185

You deserved it 4 301

By lonerboner - 03/10/2012 13:47 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 091

You deserved it 37 276

By sleepless - 20/06/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 065

You deserved it 2 909

Unexpected arousal

By Anonymous - 20/08/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 858

You deserved it 12 342

Disrespect

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 588

You deserved it 3 460

By Becoming a commuter. - 04/09/2012 17:14 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 943

You deserved it 2 117

By Anonymous - 21/08/2012 16:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 713

You deserved it 1 947

Newbie

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 637

You deserved it 7 759

By totallyembarassed - 07/07/2012 04:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 014

You deserved it 28 801

By BlueBallMcGee - 11/05/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 802

You deserved it 7 050

By Chris - 05/04/2012 02:50 - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 242

You deserved it 22 752

By ridella - 08/04/2011 10:35

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 837

You deserved it 5 473

One Day…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Gosford

Today, I paused the movie my girlfriend and I were watching and told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Her response was to stare at me silently for a few seconds before unpausing the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 749

You deserved it 7 227

Get on with it

By deflated - 09/08/2009 16:54 - Ireland

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 837

You deserved it 59 850

By gumpy - 25/02/2011 20:37 - United States

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 225

You deserved it 4 494

By pinkleopleurodon - 09/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 137

You deserved it 2 585

By I quit - 19/11/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 211

You deserved it 3 351

By SadFoxLady - 10/06/2013 18:01 - United States - Des Moines

Today, after years of researching and saving money, I got a pet fox. I was able to enjoy the majesty of the animal for three hours before it burrowed under the fence and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 786

You deserved it 55 706

Scammers gonna scam

By sarahwittman - 13/06/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 375

You deserved it 4 907

By lauren555 - 27/03/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, after finishing a huge French essay, I realized my printer wasn't working. So, I emailed it to a guy in my class to print and then give to me. When I get to French, he said he had already turned his in early and never got my email. It turned out he used mine. I got an F on the essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 941

You deserved it 18 342

By SierraDiaz2097 - 23/03/2013 05:44 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 640

You deserved it 9 667

By SexyPlayer9 - 24/07/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she's awake". FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 511

You deserved it 66 338

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 906

You deserved it 6 875

By Richard - 06/02/2010 18:39 - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 354

You deserved it 4 524

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The Top

Today, I saw a man dancing to a Britney Spears song in his Volkswagen Beetle. I started laughing hysterically until he got out. He was huge. I was stuck in traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 680

You deserved it 36 033

Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 098

You deserved it 2 794

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 294

You deserved it 2 085

Today, I am pregnant, sober, designated driver, and puke cleaner. Yay for the New Year! FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 763

You deserved it 7 415

Today, I got in the elevator with my dog and pressed the button for my floor. Instead of going up, it dropped two floors and opened up to a random basement room filled with nothing but mannequins, and wouldn't go back up. I had to fumble our way to the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 96

Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 986

You deserved it 3 861