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By wow - 11/07/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 056

You deserved it 5 162

By shutupandsmile18 - 18/04/2009 02:32 - United States

Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate." According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 071

You deserved it 16 871

By notsohappilyeverafter - 26/11/2011 21:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 209

You deserved it 3 768

Cursed underwear

By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 16:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 356

You deserved it 20 438

Pleased to meet you

By Anonymous - 15/09/2013 19:53 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 113

You deserved it 31 390

I'm OK!

By MAC. - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 469

You deserved it 6 053

By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 643

You deserved it 3 144

By Anonymous - 04/07/2014 22:02 - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my 11-year-old son and I took an IQ test for a laugh. To be honest, I've often suspected that I may have some form of mental retardation, but I didn't expect to get a score of 79, while he got one of 114. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 592

You deserved it 7 551

By Voice29 - 26/03/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend two tickets to a Broadway show that was coming through town she really wanted to see. I couldn't attend with her due to work so she said she would take her mom. I found out later she took her ex. Now they're back together, and I paid for the date that made it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 180 100

You deserved it 24 845

By Anna - 28/03/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 751

You deserved it 4 669

By iAMloud - 19/03/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 482

You deserved it 67 597

Rare thing

By sweet_02 - 01/06/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was talking this guy I'm dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. I was joking. He then responded that he doesn't care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 501

You deserved it 65 865

By anonymous.. - 03/09/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 137

You deserved it 4 462

Relieved

By Anonymous - 26/06/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 574

You deserved it 51 894

Woof!

By XxDanno316xX - 08/08/2010 14:52 - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8-hour shift with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 830

You deserved it 3 420

By Tp - 30/06/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 903

You deserved it 28 927

By Lemonhead - 21/07/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 043

You deserved it 3 805

By Anonymous - 15/07/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't call her in the last few days. I tried to explain to her that I was out at my grandfather's house in a remote place with no cell service to stand by him on his death bed. She thought I was making excuses and called me a lying bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 903

You deserved it 4 568

By Username - 03/01/2011 11:40

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 907

You deserved it 10 707

By Anonymous - 06/10/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was asleep, I gave him a soft kiss and whispered how handsome and gentle he looked. His response, still asleep, was to roll over and let out a massive fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 902

You deserved it 11 316

By suckstobeme - 12/04/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying, "Will you marry me?" my partner answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

I agree, your life sucks 163 996

You deserved it 10 745

By gonebabygone - 27/08/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 242

You deserved it 9 550

By garage - 27/01/2010 06:21 - France

Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 734

You deserved it 8 608

Piercing wit

By piercingfreak - 28/08/2011 10:41 - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 894

You deserved it 4 132

By lily - 23/03/2009 15:46 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. As I was getting off an old man whistled at me, I told him to go to hell and got off the bus. When the bus drove away the old man stood in the back of the bus, holding up the wallet I left that he was trying to give to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 467

You deserved it 134 371

By StinkyandStupid - 15/03/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, I was calling my husband while driving. While the phone rang, I farted. As soon as the horrid smell hit my nose, my husband answered. I panicked and hung up quickly, thinking to myself how embarrassed I was because he could smell it. I'm an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 657

You deserved it 38 151

Brain bug

By andimanastudent - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door…" I'd forgotten about that option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 642

You deserved it 68 649

By DieTrying - 02/02/2012 09:31 - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 282

You deserved it 5 482

By twingirl - 14/08/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 845

You deserved it 4 167

Help!

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 103

You deserved it 3 570

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The Top

Today, the medication I’ve been taking has caused me to become constipated for so long I'm now unable to go, because all my poop is a solid mass in my bowels no stool softener can touch. So a surgeon is either going up my ass with a hose and a spoon, or cutting open my stomach to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 93

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 479

You deserved it 3 880

Today, I took a look at my boyfriend's videocamera. On it were several videos of me on the toilet. My boyfriend has been hiding the videocamera in the bathroom airvent, and taping me taking dumps for the past three months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 959

You deserved it 4 756

Today, my boyfriend has spent weeks trying to get me to cancel my breast reduction surgery, for selfish reasons obviously, even though he knows how bad my spinal problems are getting. I don’t want a hunched back in my 30’s, but all he cares about is his sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 068

You deserved it 315

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having a terrible love life for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 724

You deserved it 14 010

Today, my dog pooped. In my lap. While I was driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 889

You deserved it 2 308