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Good job, son!

By peeepeee. - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left, all for taking a piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 039

You deserved it 4 550

By Anonymous - 26/01/2019 11:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 394

By Drafrica - 13/10/2014 10:20 - South Africa

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 763

You deserved it 5 805

By relievedbutashamed - 22/02/2019 20:00

Today, I left a coffee shop abruptly to go to my car to let out some really bad and loud gas. My window was partly open because it's broken. A stranger was walking on the sidewalk in front of me. He looked terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 948

You deserved it 442

By Anonymous - 05/08/2012 05:33 - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 492

You deserved it 6 639

By darksaber522 - 25/11/2015 21:40 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my boss fired three of the four other people who were going to work with me on Black Friday in my department. Now it's just me and a new hire. My boss doesn't see a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 332

You deserved it 1 530

darksaber522 tells us more.

darksaber522 12

Friday 27 November 2015 3:33

OP here. They mouthed off to the manager + frequently missed shifts, so they won't be missed (except tomorrow)

By Sonic - 29/03/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 981

You deserved it 255

By Anonymous - 18/03/2017 03:00 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 505

You deserved it 676

By Deathrace - 17/05/2011 13:08 - India

Today, I was on an adult-orientated website when my mother entered the room. I closed the webpage as fast as I could by clicking everywhere. I discovered later that, while panicking, I clicked on “share on Facebook”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 411

By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 14:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 680

You deserved it 2 031

By Anonymous - 10/04/2017 00:00

Today, I learned that the college I'm going to in the fall has been tampering with their ratings on the internet and actually only has a 5% graduation rate. Everything's already been paid for and I can't transfer elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 028

You deserved it 570

Paul Fart Malt Clop

By Cornbreesha - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a mall cop tore up my "Free hugs" sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 414

You deserved it 17 733

By Grant Williams - 07/05/2019 17:37

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 824

By Anonymous - 27/08/2014 21:50 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 423

You deserved it 43 228

Mixtapes are my love language

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 020

You deserved it 272

By EmbarrassedGirlfriend101 - 17/08/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 329

You deserved it 7 539

By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 723

You deserved it 4 116

By neuronerd - 16/12/2016 14:29

Today, I set the record for bringing in the most money for a charity event, and my boyfriend and I got back together. This would normally all be wonderful, but it was a bachelorette auction with the winner getting a date with me. My boyfriend didn't have the winning bid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 351

You deserved it 1 297

neuronerd tells us more.

neuronerd 28

Thursday 22 December 2016 0:06

I went to respond, but accidentally clicked on the next FML. But long story short, it's not a jealousy issue. It's that I know the guy who won, know he's interested in me, and was considering going out with him before I got back with my boyfriend. Now I feel bad that he's dropped a few hundred dollars for a date with me, when I know he was hoping for it to be a real date (no, not talking sex, just a potential to lead to more dates), but at least kids are getting to have a merry Christmas, because of his donation.