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By salt. - 28/02/2012 22:04 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom." That's how he put it, anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 203

You deserved it 2 638

By wilks311 - 02/02/2013 14:12 - United States - Southampton

Today, I discovered the true meaning of being scared shitless. My father in a clown costume emerged from my closet. Needless to say something emerged from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 199

You deserved it 3 027

wilks311 tells us more.

wilks311 10

Saturday 2 February 2013 20:26

It all started at my five year old birthday party...where I met Bobo the clown...he scared me.

By Anonymous - 22/01/2014 00:55 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 402

You deserved it 6 212

By HylianFox - 27/01/2012 04:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 217

You deserved it 3 072

Fragile

By jballer - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet's fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 871

You deserved it 6 523

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 08:09 - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 053

You deserved it 7 257

By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Spicy

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 911

You deserved it 3 896

By JB - 07/12/2011 14:29 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 018

You deserved it 28 770

By EconM - 03/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 280

You deserved it 5 362

By BigBallah93 - 05/07/2009 15:23 - China

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 799

You deserved it 55 381

Caught in 4K

By j3r3zana16 - 31/10/2011 08:30 - Canada

Today, while parking, I accidentally hit my landlord's daughter's brand new car. I made a huge dent in the side door. I thought nobody was home, so I quickly went to my room. Turns out they were having a barbecue outside and saw the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 404

You deserved it 51 916

By Anonymous - 02/09/2012 13:38 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was showing my boyfriend some stuff I bought that day: a new thong and a bag of his favorite brand of peanuts. He was more excited about the peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 329

You deserved it 5 142

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 15:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 591

You deserved it 2 953

By unsatisfied - 29/11/2010 12:13 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 699

You deserved it 6 540

By sleepy - 23/05/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year-old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 894

You deserved it 8 370

An attempt was made

By Nofatforme - 06/09/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 880

You deserved it 4 893

By doomed - 21/04/2011 02:45 - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 043

You deserved it 2 515

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 05:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 816

You deserved it 5 897

By veggieluver - 16/01/2013 00:58 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, my grandfather asked me why the broccoli I served for dinner was white. I told him it was cauliflower. He would't believe me, accused me of being a Russian spy, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 999

You deserved it 3 251

By LilRedRiding_27 - 13/01/2013 07:24 - United States - Northridge

Today, I realized I'm so lonely that I get comfort from hearing my neighbor snore through my apartment wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 573

You deserved it 4 370

LilRedRiding_27 tells us more.

LilRedRiding_27 0

Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

Op here. Just for clarity I am in shape, I do own a cat but he doesn't exactly solve bedtime loneliness, i do have a roomate but shes on winter break. Comes down to shyness and social awkwardness which I'm working on. And needing to get laid...Also working on it. But thanks for the suggestions.

By 99Problemsandfml - 08/11/2012 19:03 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 533

You deserved it 2 522

By Anon - 15/03/2016 06:52 - United States - Pasco

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 907

You deserved it 3 055

By warningxxLidell - 09/01/2010 06:45 - United States

Today, I was driving on roads that were bad from two days of snow. I spun my car out, and ended up half-way in a ditch. Thinking that I could push my car out of the snow, I got out of my car, landing in waist deep snow. When trying to get back in, I fell neck deep into snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 699

You deserved it 6 093

Relatable

By Having a pretty sister sucks. - 19/08/2013 01:36 - United States - College Station

Today, my sister had an emotional breakdown because two guys love her and she can't pick just one. Meanwhile I'm single and spend my time laying treats on my floor in a pattern and watching my rabbit run in circles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 448

You deserved it 4 322

By alyssuhh526 - 17/07/2013 21:51 - United States - Channelview

Today, the family I live with decided that beer is a more important purchase than the things we need, such as detergent, soap, and toilet paper, just to name a few things. Apparently, paper towels should suffice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 891

You deserved it 3 482

alyssuhh526 tells us more.

alyssuhh526 1

Friday 19 July 2013 10:51

I appreciate you guy's concerns, but really I am fine. I do live with a foster family and they are the sweetest. I'm not in danger or anything of that nature. They give me clean clothes and a comfy bed to sleep in, and three meals a day. I turn 16 in a few weeks so I'll be getting a job at a local grocery. And no they are not "rednecks," they are just great Mid Westerners. It was nothing worth getting anyone in trouble about. Again, thanks guys!

By poomaster - 22/11/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 827

You deserved it 5 173

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 16:17 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 020

You deserved it 11 151

By Notasinner - 24/05/2012 22:39 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 878

You deserved it 2 200

By Marco - 01/04/2013 21:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 023

You deserved it 45 677

By TractorUWG - 27/09/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 370

You deserved it 18 164

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The Top

The Top

Today, my boyfriend came home from being deployed for the past 3 months. As soon as he gets out of the car, he walks right past me and goes to hug his dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 860

You deserved it 8 886

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 055

You deserved it 5 371

Today, after matching on Tinder and chatting for several days, this guy asked for more photos, so I sent him some recent pics of me in the garden. He then said they were AI and told me to, "Fuck off, clanker." The pics were real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 71

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me when I went to give him a blowjob after he got home and his knob tasted different. It was the other woman’s fanny juice still on him because he hadn’t had a shower yet. So f…ing angry and grossed out right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 082

You deserved it 249

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 623

You deserved it 35 213

Today, I got called to the guidance office, only to be told my boyfriend broke up with me. He wasn't sure how to break the news to me, so he made my guidance counselor do it for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 608

You deserved it 3 485