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Hey lady!

By Anonymous - 03/05/2014 05:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light, she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 205

You deserved it 3 444

By Jason - 12/08/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 741

You deserved it 44 425

Slippin' and a-slidin'

By Anon - 13/03/2009 04:00 - United States

Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 546

You deserved it 6 015

By anonymous - 30/06/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 77

By liynda - 06/05/2011 01:49 - Canada

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 087

You deserved it 15 585

Crackers

By buryuntime - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paperwork. Later, she asked me, "What does caucasian mean?" I replied, "Why?" Apparently she didn't recognize the word, so she checked "Other" and wrote in "White". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 973

You deserved it 5 578

That one weird kid

By shellski - 21/01/2012 01:21 - United States

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know…" and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 801

You deserved it 2 352

By hayah - 21/02/2010 06:08 - France

Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 379

You deserved it 23 452

By Toolate - 10/10/2012 08:26 - United States - Bristol

Today, I went to the surprise birthday party of an ex I still love, though I'm the one who ended things. I walked in in time to see her screaming "Yes" to her kneeling boyfriend, her parents crying and applauding, and her brothers patting him on the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 210

You deserved it 52 088

Boot camp

By oohrahgal - 14/02/2019 16:32 - United States - Clementon

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 171

You deserved it 30 361

By Anonymous - 11/08/2013 00:04 - United States - Reno

Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 403

You deserved it 4 403

By figgy - 29/11/2010 10:46 - United States

Today, I was working in a deli when I cut more meat than I intended; I basically removed my fingerprint via the deli slicer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 284

You deserved it 6 098

By Dreamer - 03/07/2012 06:22 - United States - Castro Valley

Today, I'm going to court to give an eyewitness account of a robbery. Unfortunately, I had a wacky dream last night concerning the robbery, and no longer have any idea of what actually happened in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 686

You deserved it 3 829

By Anonymous - 26/10/2015 04:42

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns, and it hurts to sit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 557

You deserved it 5 760

By tgd4444 - 23/07/2011 10:29 - Malaysia

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 454

You deserved it 8 497

Enough!

By pissed off - 02/07/2014 21:52 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 902

You deserved it 4 966

By konichiwa - 02/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 932

You deserved it 34 784

By wvugirl - 19/04/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 930

You deserved it 5 495

By driverman12 - 04/04/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 191

You deserved it 31 018

By Anonymous - 18/06/2016 14:09 - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 100

You deserved it 25 562

By jam - 11/02/2012 07:03 - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 622

You deserved it 7 746

By sickened - 25/08/2009 14:17 - Philippines

Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 762

You deserved it 68 089

By Broke - 04/12/2013 08:27 - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 992

You deserved it 4 131

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 05:33

Today, while on a family Disney World vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 833

You deserved it 12 076

Grandma, nooooooo!

By Sam - 02/12/2012 14:05 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my mom and I took my senile grandmother to the mall, since she doesn't get out much. She complained it was hot, then took her clothing off in the middle of the food court. It took us thirty minutes to make her put her shirt back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 505

You deserved it 2 279

By awkwardencounters - 12/11/2013 11:18 - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 234

You deserved it 49 342

By Ewwwwww - 04/02/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 757

You deserved it 3 353

By copper - 30/01/2011 02:20 - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said "No left turn". As I was getting my ticket, I watched as three cars turned left. The cop saw them, laughed, and said, "I guess you're the unlucky one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 960

You deserved it 3 664

By walnutbladder - 07/01/2011 21:46 - United States

Today, I realized that every time I hear running water, I have less than a minute to find a toilet or I'll pee my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 838

You deserved it 4 080

WTF dude?

By mtorres8789 - 27/06/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming, "Sexy!" The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 868

You deserved it 80 660

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The Top

Today, I overheard a couple talking behind me. She said, "You wanna know what's really scary?" He said, "the size of that guy? Yeah he's huge", to which she replied, "no, the scary thing is that's a chick." They weren't talking about me, but they sure were talking about my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 627

You deserved it 8 837

Today, my sister got a speeding ticket in the mail. A month ago, I got pulled over and used her name, intending to take care of it but forgot. She's going to the police station to review the footage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100

You deserved it 1 734

Today, I unthinkingly did something dangerous and now I have a painful kink in my neck. What dangerous thing did I do? I yawned. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 113

Today, I figured out my girlfriend's mother has various nicknames for me. My girlfriend and her family are from Poland and speak on the phone in their native tongue, but they don’t know I’ve been learning the language either. I heard her call me “idiot”, “loser”, “moron” and various other “nicknames” multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 125

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 282

You deserved it 2 747

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 525

You deserved it 2 399