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By anon - 13/01/2014 01:53 - United States - Bullhead City

Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 521

You deserved it 36 842

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 21:52 - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 774

You deserved it 4 935

By chilegrande - 01/03/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, I was mugged while on my way to the bookstore. I'd saved up for months to make a mega-purchase of study materials for my major, only for it to be taken away in a few seconds by some lowlife thug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 324

You deserved it 4 563

By TextLoser - 05/08/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus next to a hot guy who was texting. I sneaked a peek at his phone to see if he was texting a girl so I could know if he was single. As I looked at his screen, he turned it towards me and typed in caps "STOP BEING A CREEPER." He got out of his seat and off the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 863

You deserved it 86 795

By grounded4life - 22/07/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 370

You deserved it 83 518

Kinder stranger

By Me. - 11/04/2013 00:45 - United States - Ramona

Today, as I walked out of the local store, I noticed a young girl was sitting on the curb, crying. I nudged her with the Snickers bar I had bought earlier, thinking she needed it more than me. After looking at it, she yelled, "PEDOPHILE!", punched me in the balls, and then ran away screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 482

You deserved it 12 726

By pda - 25/08/2013 02:46 - United States - Short Hills

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids, when a girl in line next to us slipped a hand down her boyfriend's pants and started groping him. I politely asked her to stop, to which she snorted, "Why? Your kids've gotta learn the birds and bees somehow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 189

You deserved it 4 705

By Anonymous - 02/01/2010 22:27 - United States

Today, my mom informed me that my entire family puts their dirty towels on the towel rack in the bathroom instead of the hamper. I've been using their dirty towels after showers for as long as I remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 152

You deserved it 6 528

By yonanon - 31/08/2012 12:02 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I found out that if a guy you've been dating starts acting weird, there's probably a reason why. Like, perhaps, a wife and two kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 905

You deserved it 3 127

By BC94 - 16/07/2012 04:21 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 574

You deserved it 2 848

By Severus_Snape_ - 20/09/2015 07:11 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my wrist. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I am pretty sure mosquito bites are not supposed to start crawling up to your armpit while swelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 098

You deserved it 1 675

Severus_Snape_ tells us more.

Severus_Snape_ 23

Sunday 20 September 2015 23:11

Wow, this is the first time one of my FMLs have been accepted! I googled whatever was happening on my arm, and I think 26 may or may not be right. According to the internet, if should go away in a few days, and it was a spider bite. But ever since I was a kid, I've always attracted some weird bug bites, but this has never happened to me before. Unfortunately, I am the type of person that will twist my wrist and still just say that I'm fine. Like that time where I threw up twice when I was 11 years old and still insisted that I was well enough to go to school, only to be sent back home when I threw up again. I applied some type of cream thing on the bite, and it has gotten better. It'll probably go away in a few days. Hopefully.

By Harry - 20/07/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I got a call from a man yelling and cursing at me, calling me a "selfish no-life asshole" for getting his "baby girl" pregnant. I'm 29 and she is 27 and we have been married for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 677

You deserved it 3 203

By guess I'm stuck - 16/04/2013 07:23 - United States - Alamo

Today, I was about to break up with my psycho girlfriend. As I sat her down, she told me she wanted to show me something. She then took off her shirt to reveal my name tattooed across her chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 054

You deserved it 7 741

By Anonymous - 05/03/2013 05:25

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 879

You deserved it 4 759

By Jaeda - 12/03/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, my boss forgot her meeting with an official from the military base and called to ask me to handle it. The very cute Marine showed up that afternoon and we talked for an hour. After he left, I realized I had forgotten about the paper mustache I taped to my face for fun that morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 314

You deserved it 72 874

Jaeda tells us more.

Jaeda 0

Friday 13 March 2009 6:00

I'm twenty years old, and my boss never leaves me enough work, but I'm expected to stay a full day so that I can answer the phones during all business hours. Sometimes my days are very slow, so I have to entertain myself. Don't hate on me and my goofiness because you're square. :) I forgot about the mustache because it was small and had been there for a good 3 hours when he showed up. And yes.. I had met him before and I will see him again. We're going to be doing some building for the nearby base. I work for a construction company.

By 1378 - 12/03/2010 08:26 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''Prudish'' to name a few. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 282

You deserved it 3 002

Art critic

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 122

You deserved it 3 548

By Anonymous - 05/07/2009 23:20 - Canada

Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 650

You deserved it 3 045

Daddy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy." Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 430

You deserved it 5 071

By Anonymous - 04/09/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 753

You deserved it 3 881

By Bobsaget00 - 04/08/2011 10:19 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 850

You deserved it 50 625

By americanbln - 01/08/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. His sister and I filled the air vents in his car with confetti so when he starts the car, it would blow all over him. In the process we lost the keys. The keys cost $200 to replace. Happy Birthday! FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 962

You deserved it 38 743

By davincourt - 29/04/2012 18:31 - United States - Apollo Beach

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 303

You deserved it 3 011

By Bigfatfailure - 28/03/2013 10:02 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I got dumped during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 564

You deserved it 9 872

By Anonymous - 07/10/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 332

You deserved it 16 798

By A. Person - 07/04/2010 05:36 - Mexico

Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 143

You deserved it 2 806

By messyvictor - 28/01/2012 16:19 - United States

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 422

You deserved it 3 091

Mood: broken

By talkingtoaretard - 25/01/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 020

You deserved it 36 031

By jwshrieky - 05/01/2012 16:00 - Canada

Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling good about it until I saw the interviewer. It was a guy I had sex with and never called again. He remembered me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 412

You deserved it 44 098

jwshrieky tells us more.

jwshrieky 0

Friday 6 January 2012 3:23

It was an 'Oh Jesus.. Ive had you between my legs and now you're the decider on whether or not I actually get to make money off of my brand new nursing degree' moment. :-D