Intimacy Zinger! - FML

Zinger!

Familyskank - 06/05/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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Chinese New Year: Dragons and Laughter
Celebrate with stories where tradition and humor meet for a colorful Chinese New Year. …

Tired of cooking for you ungrateful lot

Anonymous - 23/11/2022 04:00 - United States - Utica

Today, our freezer was full because my Dad got a free turkey from work. Thing is, my mom bought a pre-made ham, even though she knows my dad brings home a turkey every year. Why? Because of all the prep work that goes into making the turkey, including clearing out the kitchen, and throwing it into the oven. FML

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Good question

epictothemax - 10/03/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue stud and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin said, "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years-old. FML

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Anonymous - 30/09/2013 23:54 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my daughter trying to cut her wrist with a plastic spoon. When I asked her why, she said her friend Lucy did that so her parents would buy her pretty things. My daughter and Lucy are both four years old. FML

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Anonymous - 24/11/2016 13:17 - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

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badcook - 24/09/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

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Very funny, Dad

Anonymous - 20/05/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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Killmenow - 30/08/2018 07:00 - United States

Today, I learned that my aunt, who lives with us, is using our chopsticks in her hair and putting them back in the utensil drawer without washing them. I'm the one that uses chopsticks the most. FML

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monster in law. - 17/12/2014 07:35 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

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It's called fashion, Susan, look it up

Ari - 08/09/2018 23:30

Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece of duct tape would be a perfectly fine substitute. FML

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Where's Daddy?

Sypha - 28/11/2025 09:00

Today, I took my parents up on their invitation to spend Thanksgiving with them. My 3 year-old daughter refused to get out of the car and insisted on waiting there. When asked why, she said, "I don't like Grandma because she's mean to Daddy!" Not only did my parents hear, we haven't told her he, my husband, passed away 4 months ago. FML

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Janrok24 0

Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:04

Just one word: OWNED!

cristy91 33

Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:12

Tell her she should buy one for that fat trap of hers.

zymn 6

Friday 8 May 2009 16:47

oh shnap! i wish my aunt said that stuff when my sisters were teenagers...

zymn 6

Friday 8 May 2009 16:45

OH SHNAP! wish my grandma said that stuff when my sisters were teenagers...

Indiana_fml 4

Friday 8 May 2009 18:14

Awesome aunt. Sounds like one can have relaxed talks with her :)

Hadeezz 0

Friday 8 May 2009 19:52

WAhqhahaahahhahah ROFLMFAO..., PWNED, And thats harsh

shmaller 0

Saturday 9 May 2009 1:09

Eh, so what. At least you're getting some. I don't understand society's pressured dislike of sexual pleasure.

AnaMaree 0

Saturday 9 May 2009 2:03

...so she thinks your a turkey?

grannycakes753 0

Saturday 9 May 2009 5:11

haha. i definitely think she wasn't calling you a ****. but was saying make sure you dont have sex

Beth79 0

Saturday 9 May 2009 6:39

ahahahaha...your aunt is awesome =)

Phallus_fml 0

Saturday 9 May 2009 7:05

What a perverted aunt!

tech42er 0

Sunday 10 May 2009 6:52

Sorry OP, but that's hilarious! And it's not an FML if you're getting some ;)

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I accidentally got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years and now I’m 4 months pregnant, single and we don’t even talk anymore. The best part is that he doesn’t believe I’m pregnant, nor that it’s his. FML

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Today, I was making a special birthday delivery for a customer. As I handed her the fruit basket, I said, "Hey, we have the same birthday! Happy birthday!" She called me an attention whore and slammed the door in my face. FML

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Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

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Today, I woke up and my date I'd had the best sex ever with last night had found the sex doll I hid in a cupboard. She'd left a note calling me a creep, and to lose her number. It was a prop for my brother's stag do last week, I’ve never had sex with it, I’m just waiting for the recycling bins on Friday. FML

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Today, it was our 12th anniversary. My husband only remembered because family members texted to wish us a happy anniversary. When he went out to the store to get groceries, he didn't even buy me flowers. He's also irritated that I "seem sad or something." FML

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