Intimacy Screwing

Screwing

ThanksMom - 26/03/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

104 624

9 217

Chinese New Year: Dragons and Laughter
Celebrate with stories where tradition and humor meet for a colorful Chinese New Year. …

Too. Much. Information.

knnev - 05/09/2021 08:01

Today, I had to explain to my mother that she needed to buy a new mattress, telling her that we could hear the springs rattling every time she had sex with my dad. She then went on to explain that that is why they have sex on my bed when I'm not home. FML

1 685

188

Noname - 24/02/2009 18:13 - United States

Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking for some time. He shook his head no. He then continued with, "Your bed is a security system and as far as I can tell, you haven't gotten any in weeks". FML

50 701

5 281

CallaC - 15/03/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

39 537

2 906

Back to reality

Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

52 011

28 324

taurus05 - 14/11/2009 03:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

25 192

3 345

bunkbed - 30/08/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

33 072

3 881

Neglect

Very caring parents - 26/02/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I'm staying at my parents' house. I was woken up by the fan in my bedroom falling down. I calmly picked it back up and went to bed, wondering why my parents weren't concerned at all. My mom said she figured it was nothing, and when my dad tried to say something, she retorted, "You didn't even wake up!" FML

404

115

fmjob - 21/07/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

90 353

6 257

linn - 27/09/2012 20:14 - United States

Today, my mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk. Towards the end, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. As I came back, I overheard my dad telling my mom that I'm so unpopular, the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin. FML

42 167

3 215

Dry

moresexperience - 11/09/2009 12:26 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. It all was going fine until my mom asked aloud, "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied, "No." I'd actually been painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

42 530

4 318

puffingdragons 0

Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

Mothers deliver the sickest burns. True story.

ohhboyy 0

Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

tell your mom you inherited the ugly genes from her. that'll keep her quiet.

PlasticShark 0

Friday 27 March 2009 1:01

Ur m0mz l33t

fakeredone 1

Friday 27 March 2009 1:06

ugh im tired of hearing all these FMLs of parents saying their kids cant get laid. lets move on

jesslackszazz 0

Friday 27 March 2009 1:12

Well atleast your Dad believes you can get a girl.

genius_man16 0

Friday 27 March 2009 1:14

just make sure to have lots and lots of sex with lots and lots of girls and keep a tally. Then walk up to your mom and show her the list or something. Or do what #3 said, that would probably be best. #2 is right though, mom's can really hit below the belt pretty well sometimes and i accidentally hit "YDI" so you can take one of those off the tally. Not sure how people think you deserved this one though...

havocnyc 0

Friday 27 March 2009 1:20

Damn, you should break it just to prove her wrong man.

misssweetsweet 0

Friday 27 March 2009 1:20

maybe she said that because she thinks it would be disrespectful for you to screw someone in her house... not that it would stop you apparently.

uhohh 0

Friday 27 March 2009 1:24

future fml: today, i went over to my boyfriends house for the first time. ive been feeling really insecure about my weight lately but i decided to be playful so instead of just sitting on his bed i jumped onto it. it collapsed under me. I started crying. FML