Intimacy, Sex Awkward Bork, bork, bork! - FML

Bork, bork, bork!

Anonymous - 31/10/2022 22:00

Today, after I'd met a nice guy and went on some really nice dates, I decided to sleep with him. I knew he had only been intimate once, so I expected some awkwardness, or that he might struggle. I didn't, however, expect that in bed he would sound like a cross between the Road Runner and the Swedish Chef Muppet. FML

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Chinese New Year: Dragons and Laughter
Celebrate with stories where tradition and humor meet for a colorful Chinese New Year. …

anonymaiacciu - 22/12/2012 01:16 - France

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

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Grace - 17/10/2018 03:00

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

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Douche

YouDontSay - 10/05/2015 15:35 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

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Romance is dead

Anonymous - 15/02/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. After we had finished, I jokingly said, "Who's going to sleep in the wet patch?" He got up and said, "You're optimistic, I'm not staying. Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing." It was my first time. FML

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No kinkshaming, but come on…

esb - 13/08/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "Eat it, eat it!" FML

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The cringe is real

Anonymous - 12/12/2020 09:38 - India

Today, I was excited for my very first oral sex session. Didn't imagine that the guy would bite everywhere like a beaver trying to be sexy and leave without even cuddling. Definitely didn't match the long sexts. FML

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Uh oh

awkward - 26/07/2013 18:00 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "Uh-huh," "Not too bad," and "Yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

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Anonymous - 18/04/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

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Anonymous - 17/02/2013 19:19 - Botswana - Francistown

Today, after more than a year of being single, I finally had sex. Unfortunately, it was only in a dream, and after we finished, he told me that I'm terrible in bed. Even my dream-lover is a dick. FML

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WTF dude?

Bug5992 - 09/12/2012 22:46 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current booty-call when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed", "moo-ed", and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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SirEnigM0nk 22

Tuesday 1 November 2022 0:33

He bork, bork, borked you so fast he went BEEP BEEP and left a cloud of dust!

Earl_KarmasBitch 34

Tuesday 1 November 2022 1:39

Let's hope he wasn't as quick as roadrunner

SirEnigM0nk 22

Tuesday 1 November 2022 0:33

He bork, bork, borked you so fast he went BEEP BEEP and left a cloud of dust!

Earl_KarmasBitch 34

Tuesday 1 November 2022 1:39

Let's hope he wasn't as quick as roadrunner

RichardPencil 30

Tuesday 1 November 2022 2:25

I hope he didn't use ACME condoms. They do have jet engines, but always end up in a big splat.

Yudith 25

Tuesday 1 November 2022 13:05

Nah, he's a road runner. Typically, what doesn't work for a coyote works for a road runner.

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, my day began with a "Good morning, beautiful." and ended with a "Maybe someone would love you if you were pretty." FML

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Today, on vacation my wife asked if I wanted her to take my picture. I realized it was the first time in our 10 years she had asked me that question. Moments later I realized it's the first time in my life that anyone's ever asked me that. FML

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mother still calls his ex-girlfriend her "future daughter-in-law". FML

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Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML

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Today, like every other day, my older sister hates me, and I have no idea why. She refuses to speak to me and has never provided me with a reason why. She gets along great with my younger sister though and I get to see them having fun together in Facebook posts all the time. I'm heartbroken and she doesn't care. FML

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Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

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