Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML
Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML
Today, I was supposed to start my exciting new job. I knew I needed a good night's sleep to prepare but because of the excitement I was worried, so I decided to try that tart cherry juice I kept seeing on TikTok to help me sleep. It worked. A little too well. I woke up 14 hours later, missed my first day, got fired. FML
Today, I came into work to have my supervisor call me into her office, then her telling me to pack my things and get out. Apparently, just because they haven’t been saying anything about you being habitually late for work doesn’t mean that they don’t care. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML
Today, I met my husband's coworkers, one of whom told us about how he shot pigs from a helicopter. My husband thought it was awesome. I started crying. That's just cruel. FML
Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "Who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML
did he stab you with the banana?
That's important information. Tell the cops to search for banana breath.